Archive for August, 2009

Keyster to Obama: Please, get back to work

August 30, 2009

I don’t know about you, but the Keyster can’t wait for the President to end his vacation. First of all, we won’t be subjected to those painful, obsequious tales from his media cheerleaders about golf, ice cream, Michelle’s ‘do’ and shorts, and the new Camelot that the Obamas have ushered in. But much more importantly: POTUS has shown he is fully capable of inflicting pain on his squirming subjects each day of his vacation.

Like most Americans, I was hopeful that Dear Leader in summer-vacation mode would mean a break from the Katrina-like path of destruction his first eight months on the throne have wrought. I imagined 10 days without prime time speeches, a fortnight without whopping lies about Obamacare cutting health care costs, and most blissfully, no new ‘crises’ that naturally require bigger government, higher taxes and less freedom.

The Keyster even envisioned a break from swarmy network TV talking heads smirking about citizen outrage as the U.S. is transformed into Hugo Chavez’ Venezuela — only Obama’s speeches are a tad shorter than Chavez’s four-hour stemwinders. Alas, Dear Leader has shown just cannot stay away from the adoring cameras for even a day.

I don’t know about you, but when the Keyster clan goes on holiday our check list goes something like this: hold the mail, and make plans for transportation, hotels and sightseeing at destination.

Dear Leader’s vacation list is a little different:
1. Encourage terrorists worldwide
2. Make the country much more vulnerable to attack by our enemies
3. Destroy our intelligence-gathering network
4. Demonize half the nation for opposing the destruction of the best healthcare system in the world
5. Golf

Sounds like fun to me! But seriously: what is it about this administration that is hellbent on releasing terrorists and murderers, yet prosecuting those who have kept up safe? Is there any more appalling spectacle than Dear Leader turning his Attorney General loose to arrest CIA and Bush administration officials who have kept the jihadists at bay for eight years? The cherry on the sundae: Obama goes all-out Pontius Pilate on us by declaring that his hands are clean, that this witch hunt is all the work of AG Holder.

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Of Craigslist and a tile-covered guitar

August 24, 2009

The Keyster is a big fan of Craigslist. I’ve sold everything from a really expensive PRS guitar (a non-guitar player showed up with a stack of fifties and buys it on the spot) to old tennis racquets ($25 a pop and we had a big stack to go through). I’ve also used the “free” section to pass along old patio furniture to a mom who was going to recover it for her college-age children.

I’m convinced that Craigslist is one of the two reasons local newspapers are spiraling into bankruptcy. “Hmmm, I can either sell my old Toro in the Daily Pescadowrap for $35, or on Craigslist for free.” The classifieds used to be a financial pillar for newspapers. But today the Keyster’s local, The Sarasota Herald-Tribune, rarely prints classifieds at all, as far as I can tell. The last one I saw in the H-T went something like this:

Readers Wanted

A local outpost of the New York Times is seeking readers to be assaulted daily by foaming-at-the mouth reporters and columnists. Must suspend your ethics and morality. You’ll pay just $300 a year to be insulted! Apply at any of our rusting vending boxes scattered throughout Sarasota.

But I digress: The interesting thing about Craigslist is that every person who has come by the Keyster abode to purchase an item — from old bikes to a roof rack for a Volvo — has been really nice. Polite. Well mannered. And thrilled at getting exactly what they want for a fair price.

Okay, the Keyster is well aware of the widely reported problems with Craigslist, especially the prostitutes who advertise within. Just stay away from those well-marked sections, carefully screen via the phone anybody who might be interested in what you’re selling or looking to buy, and you’ll likely have a good experience. Use common sense just like you would when you give your address to anyone.

Recently the Keyster came across a tiny guitar he had purchased 10 years ago for the kids. It was a well made European job that still had its original strings. I put it on Craigslist and got a contact from Susan. She came by and I gave her a demonstration of the little guitar, showing that it could indeed put out a decent sound for a one-quarter sized instrument. I handed it to her so she could try it out, but she declined. “I want to decorate it.”

It turns out Susan was an artist who applied small decorative tiles to a range of common items. This Czech guitar was destined to wind up handing on a wall festooned with hundreds of glittering fragments of tile. She paid the asking price and the little guitar walked out of the Keyster’s life. Another successful transaction done in a the free market, two parties brought together by Craigslist who reached a mutually beneficial agreement. Adam Smith would be proud.

The Keyster's mini-guitar was going to be Susan's next tile project, thanks to Craigslist

The Keyster's mini-guitar was going to be Susan's next tile project, thanks to Craigslist

Remember Jack Nicholason in “The Shining”? Lefties becoming seriously unhinged during the long, hot summer

August 21, 2009

What is it about the political left that cannot tolerate people disagreeing with them? As public support for the socialization of the best healthcare system in the world continues to plummet, the outbursts from supporters of the government healthcare takeover grow ever more bizarre.

Just watch the video of Congressman Barney Frank mocking, ridiculing and insulting his constituents who dare to question his position. Or consider the MSNBC “news” report this week that warned of armed white people showing up to protest Obamacare, even though the protester in question was a black man exercising his second amendment rights. Or how about Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi calling “unAmerican” those voters who don’t believe the government should decide when granny should be shuttled off to hospice.

Here's Obamacare!  The political left is at your door and it ain't pretty.

Here's Obamacare! The political left is at your door and it ain't pretty.


Each day brings a new outburst from the Dems and the government-loving left. Even Dear Leader is getting in the spirit of the moment, as he accuses insurance companies of being evil organizations because they try to earn a profit. He’s so concerned about citizen opposition that he formed a special White House group to gather the names and email addresses of those who disagree with him. Can you imagine the response of the New York Times, WashPo and other members of the Obama Communications Grid if a Republican President did this? We’d have Dems and their media lapdogs frothing about Nazis and jackbooks… oops, come to think of it, that’s what they’re calling the people who don’t want Obama deciding which medications they can take.

Prez Obama’s proposals for the takeover of healthcare must be debated long and hard before action is taken. Those in favor of a government system and those who oppose it must be allowed to speak without fear of being branded a racist or a fascist. This is the most profound change ever proposed in the covenant between the American people and their government.

Dancing with the Czars: Obama has a czar for all occasions

August 16, 2009

In six months on the job, President Obama has gone on a czar bender the likes of which haven’t been seen since Russia in the 1400s. Our Dear Leader has hired a veritable rogue’s gallery of lefties to oversee dozens of his favorite causes. We have a pay czar. A car czar. A “green jobs” czar. A science czar. A regulatory czar. And the list grows weekly. At last count, Obama has appointed some 34 czars to extend his rule ever deeper into American society.

And, as might be expected, these unelected, unconfirmed czars are a radical and wild-eyed pack of lefties. Consider Van Jones, our recently minted “green jobs” czar. This self proclaimed black nationalist is on a mission to remake the American economy with a bizarre blend of eco-craziness and social justice. Jones is convinced that the American economy of old — making and selling goods and services that people freely buy in a competitive market — has to replaced. His vision would have everyone living in yurts with a solar panel on top… equal poverty for all!

The Keyster suggests that Obama obtain similar outfits for his cadre of czars

The Keyster suggests that Obama obtain similar outfits for his cadre of czars

And then there’s our “science” czar, Dr. John Holden. A proponent of coercive population control, Holden is a fringe scientist who thinks that all of our problems can be solved if we just eliminate people. For 30 years, this guy has been making doomsday predictions that have consistently proven false. While we do have freedom of speech in this country, at least when last the Keyster checked, we generally don’t put people who espouse such nutty views (like global warming will kill a billion folks in 10 years) into positions of authority. They’re more typically found shouting on street corners or hosting MSNBC talk shows.

The fact is: Obama knows that some of his policies might be resisted, even by the most radical Congress in U.S. history. If he wants to remake America into his socialist utopia, he’s got to consolidate as much power as he can in the White House. Hence, appoint a czar for everything he wants to regulate, from your salary to what kind of food you can eat.

The Keyster helpfully offers Dear Leader some thoughts on additional czars he could appoint:

A Bar Czar: Everyone knows that too much alcohol isn’t good for you. The bar czar would regulate the consumption of beer and distilled spirits, especially hammering establishments that feature country music.

A Jar Czar: Glass jars can break and cause cuts. America needs to regulate this dangerous industry to prevent it from exploiting home canners and hapless shoppers.

A Star Czar
: Too long have the heavens been unregulated. The Star Czar would impose taxes on the sale of telescopes and people making wishes to help finance the health care overhaul.

Keyster goes inside the Beltway, and lives to tell about it

August 12, 2009

There we were, riding the Metro this week. The Keyster clan had climbed aboard the train at the New Carrollton station in Maryland, bound for a day of touring in the nation’s capitol. As we rode deeper inside the Beltway, the infamous highway that rings the District of Columbia, strange feelings welled up inside.

First, the Keyster had strong urgings to pull out his credit cards and max ’em out. It would have been much better if I had a card belonging to somebody else. But any credit would do. I needed to spend and spend right now, way beyond what I could possible afford.

Second, I wanted to start telling those around me what they could do. Those clothes? Gotta go. That hot dog? Way too fatty, the rest of us are gonna have to pay for your heart surgery buddy. Those horrible SUVs? Ever hear of a Prius dude? Private health insurance, you kidding me? What are you trying to do, deny care to others??

I felt like Bruce Banner as he transformed into a raging monster. Only my Hulk was ready to suck up the nation’s resources and start controlling the lives of total strangers.

The Keyster morphed into a Federal Hulk, a frightening beast that roams Washington D.C.

The Keyster morphed into a Federal Hulk, a frightening beast that roams Washington D.C.


As we power toured the inspiring monuments — Vietnam War, President Lincoln, President Washington, WWII — I couldn’t help but notice the other monuments in Washington… those of the giant departments staffed by countless bureaucrats working for the Department of Commerce, the Internal Revenue Service and the Department of Agriculture that maintain a careful watch over the tourists on the Mall.

We ate lunch in the cafe at the Museum of American History where the initial exhibits, I kid you not, featured items such as a vacuum, a lawnmower and a pristine GI Joe action figure. Gee, I can’t figure out why little Johnny doesn’t know who Thomas Jefferson is! Anyway, the cafe offered truly dull items like turkey on powdery whole-wheat rolls, limp salads and only baked potato chips. Then I saw the reason why: the cafe fronted a wall of glass that let in the probing eyes of the Department of Environmental Protection which has its imposing headquarters across the street. No way that they were going to allow any tasty French fries or a decent burger. Shut up and eat your tofu!

Anyway, we had a fine day of touring, despite the Hunk-a-facation. And last night, back in the Sunshine State, the Keyster realized that he was so grateful to live in a smaller city, where the beach is accessible to all, where the state doesn’t tax income, and where we’re way way way outside the Beltway.

Prez Bubba and Kim Jong II: These two make Michael Jackson look normal

August 6, 2009

Just when we thought it was safe to watch television news and not be assaulted by the disfigured face of MJ, this happens. Former President Bill Clinton (whose resemblance to W.C. Fields grows stronger by the minute) sneaks off to the most repressive nation in the world to negotiate with its maniacal dictator. While that was bad enough, part of the deal was that North Korean Kim Jong II demanded that Bill pose for pictures.

That’s right. In return for releasing two people Kim had kidnapped (who just happened to work for globing warming alarmist Al Gore), Bill has to “say cheese” with the man who wears the worst looking clothes since John Travolta tore up the disco floor in Saturday Night Fever. The only way things could get stranger would be for a shadowy image of Elvis to appear in the background during the photo shoot.

Our happy couple

Our happy couple

While the Keyster is happy for the families of the two former captives, most rational people would agree that it’s probably not a good idea to deal with a madman who:
a). delights in starving his own people
b). continually threatens to nuke his neighbors, and Hawaii for good measure
c). whose fashion sense is so profoundly malfunctioning

The bottom line: a former U.S. President has rewarded the little dictator by apologizing, by opening one-on-one talks with the most powerful nation on earth, and encouraging every other thug to kidnap an American so they too can talk with Bill.

‘Cash for Clunkers’: This is what our Congress calls a success?

August 4, 2009

The President and his Democrat allies in Congress are thrilled with the much vaunted Car Allowance Rebate System (CARS), aka, Cash for Clunkers. Only in the world of politics could a program that uses taxpayers money to support taxpayer-owned businesses (GM and Chrysler), that went broke in four days, and which completely collapsed administratively, be declared a smash hit. Just wait until they take over healthcare!

Prez Obama is so excited about this mess that he wants Congress to triple the amount of our money given away. Dear Leader and the Pelosites cannot wait to shower more cash over this mess. After all, Obama intoned, it’s a ‘win-win’… that is, unless it’s your money being given away, which applies to most Americans. What’s hard to figure out is why the Dems are so surprised that people are lining up to receive $4,500 checks.

How long will it be before DL and Congress decide other sectors of the economy need ‘stimulating?’ All it takes is a call to Timmy at Treasury, ask him to keep the presses running, and come up with a clever acronym or alliteration. Bing, we can give away another trillion before the end of the summer recess.

The Keyster helpfully offers a few ideas to save Congress some time in getting this economy truly percolating:

Funds For Fries
: Restaurants are hurting big time as people cut back on dining out. Funds for Fries would gets the deep vat fryers boiling again by giving every person eating in an approved restaurant (those owned by registered Democrats) a month’s worth of free meals.

Riches for Rugs: During the long recession, rug dealers have been closing left and right. All we have to do is give people a $500 check if they bring in their old area rug to trade in on the purchase of a new one.

Wealth for Washers
: This program would give every person buying a new washer or dryer full federal funding. As a bonus: if you buy a GE model (which owns the NBC networks, part of the Obama Official Communications Grid), you get free delivery and set up. A win-win-win!

Pesos for Persimmons: Yes, the nation’s persimmons growers and dealers are in deep trouble. Buy a dozen of the delectable treats and you’ll receive a $1,200 federal check. And if you act now, we’ll throw in four more Sham-Wow towels and the Ginzu knives!