Archive for September, 2009

Chicago Olympics 2016: BHO to throw out the first CIA interrogator

September 30, 2009

President Obama and the First Lady will be in Copenhagen this Friday to personally pitch the International Olympic Committee to award Chicago the summer Olympics in 2016. While no one can doubt BHO’s famously tough negotiating skills — witness his threats to put Iran’s leaders in a 30-minute ‘time-out’ if they keep building nukes — the Keyster has learned that the Chicago gang has a secret plan up its sleeve that will tip the scales in favor of the Windy City.

'With nothing important happening elsewhere, BHO heads to Denmark to sell Chicago'

'With nothing important happening elsewhere, BHO heads to Denmark to sell Chicago'


No, Dear Leader is not going to throw in a 12th ShamWow towel or the Ginsu knife set if Chicago wins. And his promise to refrain from giving a major speech for 24 consecutive hours is regarded as impossible by the IOC.

Rather, the Keyster has learned that Barack and Michelle will unveil a host of new Olympic sports guaranteed to boost the Olympic spirit to new heights. Each new sport will reflect the unique character of Chicago and its rich political heritage that resulted in its native son holding the position formerly known as the Most Powerful Person on Earth (that slogan will be officially replaced at a White House ceremony next month by ‘Most Obsequious Person to All Dictators on Earth’).

Here are the new sports BHO will propose to add for Chicago 2016:

State-Run Media Fawning

Each nation sends its top ‘reporters’ to Chicago. Each is timed to test how quickly they can support all the positions of their head of state. Bonus points are earned for asking gooey questions such as: “What has delighted you most about being President?” While China and Burma are medal contenders, the United States contingent will be especially strong, led by NBC, New York Times, CNN and the Washington Post.

Ally Backstabbing
This violent new martial art involves a country suddenly reversing course on its friends and taking positions that most endanger the ally. Each nation’s secretary of state will enter the arena with its allies and be timed at how quickly they can break treaties, embrace their enemies and cut-off foreign aid. The U.S. team is the gold medal favorite based on betrayals of Poland, Czech Republic, Honduras and Colombia. Israel, having no allies, will not be allowed to participate in this new sport.

The Teleprompter Crutch
Open only to Presidents, Prime Ministers and other heads of state, the competition will determine which leader can use their prompter for the most mundane speaking opportunity. BHO’s reliance on his prompter for announcing his lunch selection and reading bedtime stories to the kids makes him the prohibitive early favorite.

The Terrorist Release
This popular, worldwide sport involves countries releasing committed jihadists and other lunatics so they can return to killing innocents. Each nation would release three prisoners in the arena and they would be timed at how quickly they can plant a bomb. Libya, Yemen and Scotland have to be considered contenders here, but the U.S. is gaining strength based on the parade of Gitmo prisoners turned loose.

Hollywood and socialism: ‘We love it, just don’t touch my Gulfstream and Bentley’

September 28, 2009

No matter where the Keyster turned on the television spectrum this weekend, he was pummeled by ads for Michael Moore’s latest mock-u-mentary, Capitalism, a Love Story. The corpulent, paranoid director’s latest is said by his adoring press to be a ‘withering’ examination of capitalism, replete with plenty of his trademark stunts that were cute back in his Roger and Me days in the early 1900s.

'Capitalism is so bad, I barely get enough to eat!'

'Capitalism is so bad, I barely get enough to eat!'

Yes, we all know most Hollywood types hate America the way it is. But what is it with people like Moore, who live like royalty yet profess to love socialism and its attendant dictators? Are they that convinced that if America were to go the way of Venezuela or Cuba (no longer unthinkable based on the past nine months), they would be among the 1% of people to be favored with material bounty? Or would they join the rest of the hapless populous to wallow in government-enforced poverty?

As far as I can tell, here’s Moore’s thinking: if I dress like I’m homeless, nobody will notice that I have houses in Beverly Hills and Aspen, own my own jet, have a $100 million stock portfolio, and eat at Spago so often I have a gut the size of a manatee. And boy do I hate capitalism, viva la revolution!

No doubt his new movie will open big this weekend. There are plenty of wealthy people and the feeble minded who buy into Moore’s fantasies, such as 9/11 being an inside job and socialism is just a cuddly place where everybody gets free health care and a spot on the red carpet at the Emmys. Luckily, under our system at the moment, Moore can say what he wishes and bank the riches from those who share his viewpoint. That’s the free market.

Who knows? If you say enough malicious things about the United States you might even get to sit next to Jimmy Carter at the 2012 Democrat National Convention!

Not to worry: Our President is not ignoring the small stuff while he’s wrecking the economy and abdicating our leadership role internationally

September 25, 2009

While President Obama has been occupied this week in his new role as head of the UN, it’s gratifying to learn that he’s not letting the little things slip by. Behind the scenes, his czars and commissars are busy as little Che Guavaras in their service to Dear Leader. Yes, while BHO is ridding the world of nuclear weapons, restoring the icebergs, nationalizing the best healthcare system in the world and enacting a global ban on Barry Manilow songs, progress is happening on other fronts.

The Keyster is seriously displeased that he, along with everyone else in the U.S., is forking over a half billion fun tickets to an upstart electric car company that has never produced a single car. It gets worse. The recipient of the $529 million, Fisker Automotive, is backed by everyone’s favorite greenie with a Gulfstream… drum roll please… Al Gore.

'The future of motoring in Obama's world!'

'At last, cars we can all aspire to, and save the planet at the same time!'

Fisker is getting our money to develop an electric car that even with serious taxpayer subsidies will sell for $89,000. They are accepting deposits, but you’ll be in line behind Leo DeCaprio, Susan Sarandon and other Hollywood elites who need to solidify their green cred. Naturally, the fact that Democrat Party contributors are behind the entire effort has nothing to do with the largesse, according to Dear Leader’s Department of Energy.

So let’s tally the government involvement in the U.S. car business. GM (Government Motors), owned by the unions and the feds. Chrysler, owned by the unions and the feds. Fisker, bankrolled by the feds. British company Tesla Motors (which wants to sell a $109,000 electric car), bankrolled by the U.S. If I was on the Board of Directors of Ford, I’d be slapping “Hope and Change” stickers on every new Focus and be ready for an ‘offer you can’t refuse’ from Rahm.

President of the World: BHO blames America for world’s woes

September 23, 2009

At last, the moment BHO has been living for… his first chance to address the rogue’s gallery that is the United Nations. The self-declared “citizen of the world” today finally climbed on the stage he’s aspired to since his early days as an ACORN organizer and trainer. Barack Hussein Obama and the United Nations: what could go wrong?

Peas in a pod

Peas in a UN pod

It’s hard to know where to start with today’s speech in front of a U.N. audience that made the bar scene in Star Wars look like a ballroom dancing class. Are we more disgusted with Dear Leader for:

1. Completely trashing Israel
2. Declaring the U.S. is no longer a superpower
3. Blaming the West for all the world’s troubles, from poverty in Africa to melting ice
4. Declaring that the U.S. will unilaterally disarm
5. Making an entire speech with his nose pointing toward the ceiling

It should be of great comfort to all Americans that tyrants such as Castro, Gadhafi and Chavez gave Obama’s speech rave reviews. The dictators were so pleased, they celebrated by torturing 15 dissidents apiece, while Chavez nationalized a bank and Gadhafi truck-bombed a synagogue.

Today’s speech would have been amusing as a Saturday Night Life skit. Unfortunately, Dear Leader gave every indication that he meant every word. The frightening truth is that this guy doesn’t want America to be a leader in anything, except maybe unemployment rates. In the world of BHO, America is just another nation, no better than an Iran, with a whole lot of apologizing to do for anything that happened before his coronation on January 20, 2009. This has to be one of the lowest moments for this country in the entire unsavory history of the U.N.

Surviving the Obama-thon: advice for the informed television viewer

September 21, 2009

Following President Obama’s frenetic weekend of sit-down interviews with ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, Pet Products On Parade, The Linoleum Channel and Today’s Lug Nuts, the Keyster helpfully offers a guide to understanding what President Obama really is saying. Having recently toured the District of Columbia, the Keyster is fully qualified to translate Dear Leader’s “inside the Beltway” lingo into plain English. No longer is it necessary to be a “policy wonk” to appreciate the nuances of our President’s florid oratory.

You may wish to print this article out and have it beside your remote for easy reference. Because the nasty fact is: BHO just warmed up this past weekend. His media surge continues all week with everything from late night talk shows, to the United Nations’ “Greatest Gathering of Dictators Ever” event, to the G-20 summit in Pittsburgh.

'Thanks for the communications advice Hugo!'

'Thanks for the communications advice Hugo!'

Yep, we’re eight months into this administration, and it’s still, “all Obama, all the time.” The Keyster also recommends having a flight bag and Pepcid at the ready if you’re going to turn on your television before January 2012.

So here is The Siesta Keyster’s Complete Guide to Understanding President Obama

Individual Mandate= Tax increase

Deficit Neutral= Massive increase in the deficit

Net Neutrality= The government dictates how private companies must run their internet businesses (also see: Payback to Google and Other BHO Favored Companies)

No tax increases for anyone making less than $250,000 year= Massive tax increases for those few schlubs who still actually pay taxes, no matter what their income (doesn’t apply to Congressman Rangel or Timmy Geithner)

Not following the ACORN scandal closely= Closely following the ACORN scandal

Improving the missile defenses of Europe= Stabbing formerly close allies Poland and Czech in the back

Opponents’ lies and misinformation
= Facts

Free trade= Payback for the steelworkers union by forcing low-income consumers to pay more for formerly inexpensive Chinese tires

Health care reform= Massive tax increases

No death panels= Death panels

The United States loses a great man: Norman Borlaug was said to have saved one billion lives

September 18, 2009

After the orgy of media coverage following the deaths of a politician best known for his cowardice at Chappaquiddick and an entertainer/child predator, it’s an honor to pay homage to a man who personifies all that is noble. Norman Borlaug died on Saturday at age 95. This unassuming Iowa native son was called “arguably the greatest American of the 20th century” by the Wall Street Journal.

Just what did Borlaug do to earn such praise? He devoted his life to creating new strains of wheat and other grains and revolutionary agronomy practices that enabled entire nations to attain self-sufficiency in food production. Borlaug spent most of his life in Mexico, India, Pakistan and Africa, spreading his gospel of high-yield agriculture. Experts estimate that the Nobel Prize winner saved more than one billion people from starvation… a number that grows every day.

Norman Borlaug's agronomy breakthoughs are credited with savings one billion people from starvation.

Norman Borlaug's agronomy breakthoughs are credited with savings one billion people from starvation.

Unlike today’s phony “green” movement — foisted on the dimwitted by a pudgy political hack in a Gulfstream jet — Borlaug’s Green Revolution actually solved a real problem. By using Borlaug’s farming techniques and his specially developed strains of grain, farmers in developing nations were able to multiple their yields many times over. From his research station in Mexico, Borlaug and his merry band of assistants tackled poverty and hunger around the world. He is best known for his high-yield, low-pesticide dwarf wheat that continues to feed a large chunk of the population every day.

Unbelievably, the enviros attacked Borlaug because he advocated the use of both pesticide and fertilizer. As we’re seeing at the moment in central California — where the Obama administration has cut off water to farmers to save a few minnows — when it comes to the greenies, people finish dead last. Sorry about that Africa, we hope you enjoy your organic arugula while you starve to death.

Borlaug didn’t suffer these fools. Here’s a quote from the great one from the Journal’s story: “If they (environmentalists) lived just one month amid the misery of the developing world, as I have for 50 years, they’d be crying out for tractors and fertilizer and irrigation canals and be outraged that fashionable elitists in wealthy nations were trying to deny them these things.”

Throughout the nations he helped, buildings and streets bear the name of Norman Borlaug. As the Keyster looks askance at the magazine covers devoted to a disgraced Senator and a disfigured singer, it’s gratifying to read about a man who was the very definition of a hero: Norman Borlaug.

Jimmy to Barry: ‘You can be the President I was’

September 16, 2009

So now we have the spectacle of the worst President in the history of the United States coming to the defense of the man who is gunning to dethrone him. Yes, Jimmy Carter, our 39th President, has now proclaimed that those who oppose President Obama are all racists.

“I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he’s African-American,” Carter told NBC (National Barack Channel). That’s right, if you oppose nationalized car companies, lunatic czars running the country, trillion dollar annual deficits, appeasement as a foreign policy, and socialized medicine, guess what: you’re racist! Thanks for breaking it down for us Jimmy.

One of the many highlights of the Carter presidency... Can BHO top this?

One of the many highlights of the Carter presidency... Can BHO top this?

The Keyster remembers well the Carter years. For all of his destructive domestic policies — topped by rampant inflation, soaring unemployment and his defeatist attitude — his true incompetency was on the international scene. His lasting legacy is Islamic fascism that has spread from Iran throughout the world, thanks to Jimmy’s approval of Khomeini government. After his one dreadful term, Carter moved on to become our worst ex-President ever. Granted, Jimmy has done some great work with Habitat. But it’s far overshadowed by his continued support for the terrorist organization Hezbollah, his unending and vicious attacks on Israel, his embrace of dictators globally, and his steady stream of anti-American statements made outside our borders.

Contrast Carter’s antics with the dignified retirements of ex-Presidents Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush 41 and Bush 43. All respectfully kept their yaps shut. Bill Clinton has had some distasteful forays, but at the moment is not considered a contender to be called the worst ex-Prez. Who knows? Maybe BHO will appoint Jimmy as the czar for racial harmony.

Keyster to New York Times: ‘Breaking up isn’t hard to do’

September 14, 2009

For the last five years, the most mentally challenging task the Keyster has undertaken is stroking a check to the New York Times. This act is necessary to have a copy of the Sarasota Herald-Tribune tossed onto his driveway each morn. The NY Times has owned the local fishwrap since the 1980s and today fills its pages with campaign material (formerly known as news) generated by the lefties who populate the bureaus of President Barack Hussein Obama’s Official Newspaper of Record.

Let’s face it: any publication that completely ignores that a certified lunatic like Van Jones was serving in the White House, while devoting millions of words to the Duke University lacrosse team “rape” case, is not to be trusted with a butter knife, let alone a printing press and a web site.

The New York Times and BHO: a love affair that will never end.  The Keyster is not amused

The New York Times and BHO: a love affair that will never end. The Keyster is not amused

As a journalism grad, the Keyster publicly acknowledges beginning his career as a reporter for the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. Back then the paper was owned by a local family that, while eccentric and definitely liberal, was probably not in favor of the bizarre socialist and racial policies now embraced by the Gray Lady. When I prowled the halls of the paper, our biggest editorial concerns were phosphate mining (very bad), condominium construction (bad) and higher taxes to support endless spending on education (very good). Honestly, we reporters as a whole were more intersted in the trifecta at the local dog track and the closing times at the Beach Club than we were in ensuring that every word we wrote was approved by the Democrat National Commitee.

But the time has come for change. After 14 years of subscribing to the Herald-Tribune, the Keyster is done. No longer will my money support an organization that delights in compromising the security of the United States by revealing our secrets to the enemy. The Keyster is done funding people who applaud themselves for printing the names of CIA operatives, yet don’t think it newsworthy when a Presidental candidate’s spiritual mentor is an anti-Semite.

Sure, I’m going to miss the tactile joy of holding a broadsheet while sipping my coffee overlooking the Keyster’s stand of mangroves and coconut trees. Ever since I graduated from J-school, I’ve begun the day that same way… a local paper and coffee in a quiet spot. But the local newspaper as I knew it is dead. Not only has technology rendered it a relic, the shameless advocacy for a failed social and economic agenda has made the very term — newspaper — a non-sequitur. Each month, once prominent and influential dailies go bankrupt from Seattle to Philadelphia, victims of their own hubris. The NY Times itself has gone from the being the national newspaper of record to a a shrill and boorish guest that is never invited inside most American homes.

So, it’s goodby Herald-Tribune. I think there could be a future if you could somehow get divorced from your northern tyrant. But until that time… it’s been surreal.

9/11… a tale of Professor John Paul, and the New York Times

September 11, 2009

Eight years ago, Islamists murdered nearly 3,000 people in New York, Washington D.C. and Pennsylvania. People were slaughtered as they sipped their morning coffee at their desks, rode in airplanes to see relatives, and as they ran into flaming buildings to save their fellow citizens.

On that horrible September day, the Keyster drove from Philadelphia to an early meeting in New Jersey. By the time I rode an elevator to the top floor for my meeting, the twin towers of the World Trade Center were ablaze across the river. When I left an hour later in a daze, the towers were no longer visible from New Brunswick. And the United States was at war against a cowardly enemy… an enemy that targets civilians, that hides in mosques, that uses women and children to shield themselves from those who oppose their evil plans to enslave the world with their twisted religion.

Today, the Keyster dropped one of the clan off at the local community college for Western Civilization class. As we were driving back, I heard a story that made me proud of the State College of Florida (formerly known as Manatee Community College).

Professor John Paul devoted his entire lecture and discussion today to 9/11. He called the murderers what they are. He did not use the prosperity and success of the United States to in any way justify what the terrorists did that day. He demanded that his students understand the significance of the war that erupted that day and will continue until the Islamists are killed or subdued. He showed photos. He detailed the number of people who were murdered. He lectured with passion and purpose. The Keyster can only hope that other teachers and professors nationwide used this occasion as did Prof. Paul.

Unfortunately, the New York Times today reached ever lower in its contempt for the United States. This is a real headline in this morning’s Sarasota Herald-Tribune, which is owned by the NYT: “It’s a difficult day, especially for Muslims.” The outrageous story talks about how tough it is for Muslims living in the U.S. to cope with their hurt feelings because they think people frown on them on 9/11. This will give you a taste: “…U.S. Muslims still struggle through the anniversary of the attacks. Yes, the sting has lessened.” It goes on to quote numerous Muslims about the perceived insults they receive on 9/11.

I don’t know about you, but the Keyster prefers to worry about the people who lost their fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, grandparents, sons, daughters and friends on that awful day. And to pray for the members of the U.S. Army, U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force, and their reservists, who at this very moment are risking their lives taking the fight to the enemy on their own soil.

How can you tell when the President is lying?

September 10, 2009

So the Prez made his, what, 212th major speech on “health care reform” last night, this time to a joint session of Congress. What is it about BHO that he thinks he has to do something dramatic (at least in his eyes, and in the doe eyes of his media admirers) every single day? I don’t know about you, but the Keyster is so deep into Dear Leader Fatigue (DLF) that when he hears Barry’s strange speech inflections, he switches the radio or television channel as fast as technology permits.

Last night, the Keyster was at a funeral for a wonderful member of our church who has gone to be with the Lord. It was an inspiring celebration of this man’s legacy. As I left the church at 8:45 p.m., the car radio came to life with President Obama’s desperate attempt to salvage his government’s trashing of the best health care system in the world. I managed to listen for less than a minute before DLF overwhelmed me, and I switched to smooth jazz as an antidote.

In those few agonizing seconds, the Keyster heard these whoppers:
–Barry won’t sign a bill that adds “one dime” to the deficit. Even the Democrat-led Congressional Budget Office says the House bill contains exactly zero savings, and will pile trillions onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. The entire premise, the government can run anything more efficiently than the private sector, is theater of the absurd (starring Barney Frank as “Dorothy” and Henry Waxman as “Tinman”).
— It’s all Bush’s fault. That’s right. After nearly eight months of unprecedented incompetence and outright anti-American actions, Barry is still blaming all his problems on Bush/Chaney/Halliburton. Record deficit? Bush. Runaway spending? Bush. Record unemployment? Bush. Tiger Woods not winning a major this year? All W’s fault.

'I'll give everyone, including illegals, taxpayer-subsidized health care and we'll save money too!'

'I'll give everyone, including illegals, taxpayer-subsidized health care and we'll save money too!'

Here’s the math. Americans overwhelming don’t want this turkey jammed down their throats. A poll released hours before Dear Leader addressed his subjects last night showed support for socialized medicine dropping faster than Ted Kennedy’s car at Chappaquiddick. The unions, Nancy Pelosi and the New York Times are in favor. Guess who comes out ahead in this equation? Sorry about that folks, but it’s really time for granny to go to hospice so we can finance abortions for illegals!