Surviving the Obama-thon: advice for the informed television viewer

Following President Obama’s frenetic weekend of sit-down interviews with ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, Pet Products On Parade, The Linoleum Channel and Today’s Lug Nuts, the Keyster helpfully offers a guide to understanding what President Obama really is saying. Having recently toured the District of Columbia, the Keyster is fully qualified to translate Dear Leader’s “inside the Beltway” lingo into plain English. No longer is it necessary to be a “policy wonk” to appreciate the nuances of our President’s florid oratory.

You may wish to print this article out and have it beside your remote for easy reference. Because the nasty fact is: BHO just warmed up this past weekend. His media surge continues all week with everything from late night talk shows, to the United Nations’ “Greatest Gathering of Dictators Ever” event, to the G-20 summit in Pittsburgh.

'Thanks for the communications advice Hugo!'

'Thanks for the communications advice Hugo!'

Yep, we’re eight months into this administration, and it’s still, “all Obama, all the time.” The Keyster also recommends having a flight bag and Pepcid at the ready if you’re going to turn on your television before January 2012.

So here is The Siesta Keyster’s Complete Guide to Understanding President Obama

Individual Mandate= Tax increase

Deficit Neutral= Massive increase in the deficit

Net Neutrality= The government dictates how private companies must run their internet businesses (also see: Payback to Google and Other BHO Favored Companies)

No tax increases for anyone making less than $250,000 year= Massive tax increases for those few schlubs who still actually pay taxes, no matter what their income (doesn’t apply to Congressman Rangel or Timmy Geithner)

Not following the ACORN scandal closely= Closely following the ACORN scandal

Improving the missile defenses of Europe= Stabbing formerly close allies Poland and Czech in the back

Opponents’ lies and misinformation
= Facts

Free trade= Payback for the steelworkers union by forcing low-income consumers to pay more for formerly inexpensive Chinese tires

Health care reform= Massive tax increases

No death panels= Death panels

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