Archive for October, 2009

BHO visits Keysterville: Another $3.4 billion in taxpayer money bites the dust

October 29, 2009

President Obama made a brief trip this week to the Keyster’s part of Florida. The Prez was in town to tour a solar energy “farm” in the ranching and citrus community of Arcadia, located about 40 miles east of Siesta Key. What could go wrong?

Let’s put aside for a moment the fact that BHO declined an in-depth interview with the Siesta Keyster, and the hurt that has caused our loyal readers. As we unpack the Prez’s visit to Florida, we find that it’s a microcosm of his promise to “remake” the

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'And over there is where we store all the taxpayer money that keeps this turkey afloat'

U.S. economy. The seemingly innocuous images of Obama intently examining solar panels actually contain enough horrors to fill a dozen Stephen King novels. King, who happens to live on the sandbar immediately south of the Keyster, should title his next book: “Sustainable Slaughter.”

But Keyster, some of you might be thinking, what’s wrong with our Dear Leader trumpeting the success of solar energy? Aren’t you being a little harsh? After all, we all want clean energy.

Indeed we do. But at what cost? The 90,000 black solar panels at the DeSoto Next Generation Solar Energy Center were financed by a permanent surcharge on every Florida Power & Light customer… including the Keyster and many of our loyal readers. Solar, with its huge capital requirements and feeble, unpredictable output — and keep in mind this is the Sunshine state — is simply not competitive with conventional means. Not even close.

Ironically, BHO’s visit occurred on one of our rare overcast days, a fact somehow missed by the fawning news media. The generating facility likely wasn’t producing enough electricity to power Dear Leader’s treasured teleprompter. But don’t worry. Once

solar-fan-hat

'Sure you'll pay more for everything once my energy tax goes through, but you'll get a $5 tax credit to buy this solar hat!'

the national energy tax (otherwise known as the Lifestyle Reduction Act of 2009) that is at the heart of Obama’s program is approved, we can all buy personal solar panels and mini wind turbines capable of generating enough juice to light a single five-watt bulb for all our household needs.

And then Obama got to the real reason he came to Florida: to hand out the money. He announced $3.4 billion in largess to energy companies to “smarten” the energy grid. FPL lined up at the federal teat for $200 million.

And what do you know? Once the national energy tax goes into affect, the Wall Street Journal reports that FPL stands to earn up to $645 million annually from carbon credits! Those inefficient little solar panels suddenly look like diamond mines. No wonder FPL chief Lewis Hay is a big fan of BHO and his plans to crush the economy in the name of sustainability. Just as long as I get mine, too bad for all you customers who’ll see the price for everything soar.

So here’s what we learned from Dear Leader’s trip:
1. Obama calls it green energy because it’s being showered with taxpayer money
2. Most businesses will support programs that destroy the economy, as long as they stand to benefit
3. The free market has no relevance in the era of Obamanomics; federal funding will prevail as long as we’re willing to pile debt onto other generations. But not to worry, we can all feel so good that we’re going green.
4. He wants to control all aspects of our lives: those “smart” meters that will be attached to our houses will enable the government to regulate how we live. If you like your home cooler than 78 degrees in the summer, or warmer than 65 degrees in the winter, the “smart” meter might not agree. Hello individual brownouts.

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Obamanomics 101: A primer

October 26, 2009

Many loyal readers have emailed and texted recently, asking the Keyster to explain the economic underpinnings of President Obama’s proposals. Not only has the Keyster taught basic economics, he also is a colleague of Dr. Thomas Sowell, one of the most prominent economists in the United States (colleague in this context means that I once wrote Dr. Sowell a letter and got a personal response).

Readers have been puzzled during our Dear Leader’s reign, asking such fundamental questions as:
How can Obama offer tens of millions of people free health care, yet save money and reduce the deficit?
How can the U.S. print and borrow trillions and trillions of dollars, yet not devalue our currency and ignite inflation that will make Zimbabwe look like a model of fiscal restraint?
Why would anybody trust a government to run a even garage sale when it manages to lose billions operating monopolies, let alone manage one sixth of the largest economy in the world?

'We'll all be better off, once Barry gets this economy straightened out'

The future looks rosy, thanks to Obamanomics'

The Keyster would like to “break it down” and analyze the strategy of BHO and his crack team of economics advisers as they remake our economy. Using principles that have produced results in nations as diverse as North Korea, Myanmar and Somalia, the future looks bright as we follow Barry to an economic Xanadu… and finally end 233 years of increasing prosperity in the U.S.

Luckily, there are just a few basic tenets that we need to grasp as we dig into the President’s economic philosophy.

1. The government can do anything and everything better than the private sector: From the post office to Amtrak, from Government Motors to providing all the swine flu vaccine we need, government, especially the fed, is the solution to all our problems. Just look at the success of urban public schools, where the spending per pupil would easily cover the tuition at

'Economics is easy, look at how well we've done so far'

'Economics is easy, look at how well we've done so far'

Princeton. Who can argue with Medicare and Social Security, where unfunded liabilities surpass $50 trillion? Now that BHO owns two thirds of the domestic car companies, controls many of the biggest banks, owns the largest insurance company and soon will be in charge of healthcare, we can expect the same efficiency and effectiveness that made the IRS such a beloved institution to permeate ever more sectors.

2. If somebody has more than you, it’s unfair: To BHO, the economic pie is fixed. There is only so much to go around. Therefore, if somebody happens to have a bigger house, make more money or have whiter teeth, it’s unfair. They cheated, unless they are major supporters of the Democrat party, in which case they likely earned their money from porn or pot and it’s okay. So by applying tenet #1 from above, voila: we need government to take from the cheater and give to those who want it. That’s why we have the “progressive” tax code; it punishes the greedy (those families who earn more than $75,000 year).

3. Central planners always make better decisions than the free market
: Just look how well the USSR supplied its peasants with consumer essentials. Marvel at the prosperity blossoming in Venezuela as Chavez sets the gold-standard for socialism. People sitting in giant office buildings in Washington D.C. know better than you what kind of car you should drive, what foods you should eat, where to set the thermostat in your house, and if that compound fracture is worth fixing if you happen to be more than 60 years old. The secret to ensuring equal mediocrity is for the government to eliminate as much choice as possible. After all, ignorance is bliss. Who’s gonna miss the Charmin when all you can buy is Hematoma Bottom Basher toilet paper, made from 100% recycled fiberglass.

4. Government spending always must exceed the rate of inflation by a factor of at least five
: This is why it’s so essential to maintain huge Democrat majorities in the House and Senate. Even while unemployment has soared to near-European levels, our federal government under the leadership of Reid and Pelosi has proudly kept spending. In the federal government, there’s never a recession, you can always print more. Just one phone call to Timmy G, and presto, another $50 billion to hire more members for the SEIU! Since the ascension of BHO, federal spending has outpaced inflation six-fold.

Friend or foe? The Keyster’s guide to identifying the enemies of our Dear Leader

October 22, 2009

With BHO and his minions becoming increasingly paranoid by the nano-second, it’s challenging for the average American to know just who is an enemy and who is a friend. President Obama, fulfilling his campaign promise to “bring us together,” has wired the Oval Office with claymore mines to prevent a Republican from getting within 100 feet of him.

'They're our buddies, real nice guys once you get to know them'

'They're our buddies, real nice guys once you get to know them'

The same man who declared he’d track Osama bin Laden to the “gates of Chuck E. Cheese” to get him to say he’s sorry, has ordered his people to boycott Fox News for fear that they might get asked a difficult question. It’s so much easier to chat with Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and Katie, who are about as confrontational as a baby seal.

While many of us still foolishly cling to the antiquated notion that our enemies are the Taliban, Hugo Chavez and Ahmadinejad, Dear Leader has a more enlightened view. Simply stated: if you disagree with Obama (or Reid/Pelosi/Frank/Hoyer et al.), you are the enemy. And what do you do with enemies in the time of war? That’s right, you try to destroy them.

Understanding this line of thinking is key to helping us determine just who are the real enemies of America. To that end, the Keyster helpfully offers the FOFIQ (Friend or Foe Intelligence Quotient). The Keyster’s FOFIQ exam has been officially approved by the firm of Rahm, Gibby & Dunn, CFD (Certified Foe Destroyers).

So let’s get going and determine your FOFIQ. Just read the facts and make your best call on whether they are friend or foe… before looking at the CAODL (Correct Answer of Dear Leader)!

Syria: Friend or Foe?

A nation led by a coneheaded dictator. Supports Hezbollah, Hamas and Al Qaeda with money and war materials. Dedicated to the destruction of Israel and the United States. The answer? Friend. BHO has opened high level talks with Syria aimed at getting the rogue nation to reduce its production of suicide bomber vests by 9% by the year 2025.

Rush Limbaugh: Friend or Foe?

Most popular radio talk show host in history. Supports capitalism, limited government and freedom of speech. Reaches 20 million people every week with his message that individuals should be free to pursue their dreams without a federal program. The answer? Foe. This dangerous man must be silenced, via the “Fairness” Doctrine or any other weapon that federal government can deploy.

Anita Dunn: Friend or foe?
White House communications director. A dedicated follower of Mao Tse Tung, who murdered at least 40 million of his countryman during a reign of terror unlike any other in human history. Leads BHO’s campaign to silence the few remaining media outlets that dare question any of his policies. The answer?

'Mao was an inspiration to us all, even those he murdered admired him'

'Mao was an inspiration to us all, even those he murdered admired him'

Friend. Dunn is a courageous patriot who must be supported in her mission to repeal the first amendment.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce: Friend of Foe?

Non-profit organization representing three million American businesses that provide most of the nation’s non-government jobs. Supports lower business taxes to encourage job creation and more prosperity. Opposes BHO’s plans to nationalize healthcare. The answer? Foe. By challenging the premise that the feds can offer universal healthcare and reduce the deficit at the same time, this monstrous cadre of predators has shown that must be stopped.

ACORN: Friend or Foe?
Federally funded “community” organization group charged with voter fraud in at least 12 states. Believes in underage prostitution, ensuring every dead person’s vote must be counted multiple times (as long as they were Democrats) and intimidating banks into making bad loans underwritten by the federal government. The answer? Friend. ACORN’s important work of enlarging the welfare state and electing Democrats must continue, despite right wingers’ attempts to smear ACORN one of the largest criminal enterprises in America.

201 million Americans: Friends or foes?

The number of people according to the latest Rasmussen Poll who are opposed to Dear Leader’s plan to destroy the best healthcare system in the world. Believe they can do a better job selecting their doctor

'These loonies have gotta be stopped'

'These loonies have gotta be stopped'

than Barney Frank. Against rationing, death panels, euthanasia and shorter life expectancy, not to mention putting trillions of dollars in debt on the backs of their kids and grandkids. The answer? Foe. These knuckle-dragging monobrows, obviously under the spell of Glenn Beck and other wingnuts, constitute Dear Leader’s greatest threat… informed and voting citizens.

Cheer up Barry, you’re almost done wrecking the country, then you can go golfing!

October 19, 2009

After carefully studying Barack Hussein Obama during the first nine months of his administration, the Keyster has reached a conclusion: the dude just isn’t a happy person. In fact, Americans haven’t had to deal with such a downer of a Prez since the days of Jimmy Carter. Just listening to Dear Leader during his daily speeches and hourly television interviews is about as inspiring as waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

'Return to happier times, Barry, just listen to the Keyster'

'Return to happier times, Barry, just listen to the Keyster'

Every communique we get from BHO and his White House is negative. We’re not taxed enough. America has a lot to apologize for. We need to sacrifice so the government can grow. The seas are rising. The financial system is a mess. People make too much money. Gays are horribly discriminated against. The wars are not going well. Fox News is mean to me. This guy has more whine than Napa Valley.

And depressingly, Barry continually tells us that everything from the skyrocketing unemployment rate to the balloon boy hoax is not his fault. The only time we see Dear Leader smile is when he proposes a tax increase or a new agency to regulate more of our lives, then he glows like Elton John at a gay pride parade. But overall, Barry, you’re bumming us out.

While the Keyster is no Dr. Phil or Oprah, he would like to helpfully offer a few ways to get Dear Leader to “lighten up” and enjoy his new job of reducing America to mediocrity. Even though he’ll never inspire people like a Reagan or Churchill, or even frat boy Bill Clinton, here are a few suggestions to put a smile on BHO’s face and a fresh spring in his step:

Give some new rights to terrorists
: Obama’s first official act as President was to coddle terrorists. Nothing seems to make him happier. We’ve already got our soldiers reading Miranda rights to the jihadists. Let’s go all the way and include terrorists in the new “hate crimes” bill so they can sue in American courts if our military so much as hurts their feelings.

Abolish the second amendment
: Come on Barry, you know you want to. Give in to your inner child, just declare all that stuff about the right to bear arms in the Constitution was really a typo that Rahm just uncovered. The left would embrace you like never before, Heck, you’re not going to carry many Southern states in 2012 anyway.

'It's been so long since we've seen you smile'

'It's been so long since we've seen you smile'

Nationalize the news media: Return to those early days of your administration when you took over GM, AIG and Chrysler. Remember the warm glow of firing the CEO of GM? The media already acts like they report to press secretary Robert Gibbs, so just formalize the relationship. The print media has the qualities you like in a government agency: they lose money, they print anything you tell them to, and they have the credibility of Paris Hilton after an all-nighter. Perfect!

Appoint the Rev. Wright to a cabinet post
: Let’s face it, Barry: you were so happy sitting in the pews when the Rev was excoriating white, Jews, capitalists and America in general. He could serve this country as Secretary of Race Relations or Ambassador to Israel. What’s one more radical lunatic running around the West Wing?

And finally, propose a 20% VAT
: All the Europeans have a value added tax, it’s not fair that you don’t. A VAT on everything from diapers to meatballs would reduce our standards of living, while boosting the size of government. Sometimes you gotta be bold.

Life under Obamacare: how glorious it will be when BHO, Nancy, Harry and Barney make your healthcare decisions

October 15, 2009

With Congressional libs determined to destroy the best healthcare system in the world, the Keyster has decided to stop pointing out all the problems with Obamacare and focus on the positive. Yes, there is much to admire in the various health care proposals kicking around Washington.

'Your doctor will see you now'

'Your doctor will see you now'

So what if most people don’t want to see the U.S. medical system reduced to a level found in third-world countries such as Somalia and Nepal. We can sleep soundly knowing that the Democrat party and the two “Republican” Senators from Maine have our best interests in mind. And we also know that President Obama is so desperate to declare he’s “fixed” healthcare, he’d sign the menu from IHOP if it was labeled healthcare reform.

Rather than fight it, the Keyster has decided to relax and eagerly anticipate the arrival of the healthcare world Congress will impose on us. Here are just a few of the many benefits we’ll all enjoy as WWOTS (Witless Wards of the State) once the wizards of Washington get done:

We’ll have more time to read. Be sure to bring several long novels along because you’re going to visibly age while waiting to see government doctors. BHO is said to be considering a new federal agency to develop reading lists appropriate to sitting in crowded, dim rooms for endless hours. We’ll be able to power through War and Peace in a single appointment!

We’ll meet new people. Many of the doctors we’ve known and trusted for decades will leave the profession rather than see their incomes slashed. They’ll flock to higher paying jobs with Starbucks and Burger King. This will give us the chance to meet new our doctors, fresh from the best medical schools in Tajikistan and Zimbabwe.

We’ll travel to new places. Just as Canadians currently flock to the U.S. to use our physicians rather than wait nine months for surgery that will save their lives, so too will Americans take exciting “medical vacations.” Keep the passport up to date so you can visit Australia for cancer treatment, New Zealand for joint replacements and Japan for cardiac care.

We won’t have to worry about growing old. As our lifespans decline with the slashing of treatment dollars allocated for the elderly (those over age 37; age 65 for illegals), we won’t have all the attendant problems we now associate with aging in America such as how often to golf, where to retire and how many cruises to take a year.

Another big week in BHO-land: More dithering on Afghanistan, final push to destroy healthcare

October 11, 2009

His status buoyed by his fresh Nobel Prize, President Obama now turns his attention to two important matters facing this nation. While the international ‘community’ swoons over Dear Leader’s dulcet words, and awaits his first accomplishment beyond appointing washed-out lefties to major White House posts, the Keyster feels like a man sitting under a coconut tree during a windstorm… something is going to fall off the tree very soon and it won’t be pleasant.

Dear Leader has seasoned counselors advising him on the war in Afghanistan

Dear Leader has seasoned counselors advising him on the war in Afghanistan

First, can BHO complete his plans to destroy the best healthcare system in the world? He’ll need to convince just a couple of wavering Dems that they should ignore a strong majority of Americans who, for some odd reason, don’t want Barney Frank selecting their primary physician.

Honestly, it doesn’t look good for people who value freedom from a government-run system. Here in Florida, Sen. Bill Nelson has emerged as a big fan of nationalizing health care, thus shuttling most of the state’s voters off to hospice so we can pay for insurance for illegals. But don’t worry Bill, BHO will give you an autographed set of the complete sermons of Rev. Wright on DVD in return for selling out your seniors!

'He's been wrong on everything else, so he must be right on Afghanistan!'

'He's been wrong on everything else, so he must be right on Afghanistan!'

The other major issue is Afghanistan. Watching BHO agonize over what to do in this dangerous corner of the world is a case study in how not to lead. This seems to be the President’s thinking: “After sounding like Gen. Patton during my campaign, I’ll declare Afghanistan a war of ‘necessity.’ After that, I’ll appoint the best generals the military has to run the effort. And then, I’ll totally ignore them and follow the advice of a ’60s hippie chick and a political hack with hair implants who’s never been right about any foreign policy issue!”

Here are his two choices when it comes to whose recommendations to follow on this war:

Gen. Stanley McChrystal, West Point graduate, career military officer, proven successful in fighting jihadists in the Middle East.
Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden: Sec. Clinton’s war experience is limited to protesting the Vietnam war, currently married to a womanizing golfer; the Veep’s positions on the Vietnam War, the Cold War, the Iraq war and the war on high prices by Walmart have all been proven wrong by history.

Anybody want to guess who Dear Leader will listen to, especially now that he’s a Nobel Prize winner?

Barack Hussein Obama: Recipient, Nobel Appease Prize

October 9, 2009

Unlike many people around the world, the Keyster was not in the least surprised at the selection of President Obama for the Nobel prize. After all, when I heard the report on the radio, it seemed a perfect selection… BHO winning the newly minted Nobel Appease Prize. Who better?

'What have they got that I ain't got... courage'

'What have they got that I ain't got... courage'

What other world leader, in such a short period, can match his foreign policy concessions and dramatic demonstrations of weaknesses? The Norwegians no doubt were swayed by Dear Leader’s worldwide apologies for America’s success. They were awed that BHO listened to a one-hour anti-American rant by Venezuelan thug and madman Hugo Chavez, and then gave him a warm hug. BHO then teamed up with Hugo, Castro and other Latin dictators to threaten Honduras for the heinous crime of following its own constitution.

But the act that likely sealed the Nobel Appease Prize was when Obama meekly caved in to saber rattling from the Russians. In a diplomatic concession worthy of Lord Chamberlain, he stopped plans to place defensive missiles in Poland and Czech, and best of all: announced it on September 17, the anniversary of the 1939 Soviet invasion of Poland. Sweet!

Coming on the heels of BHO’s performance in Denmark that torpedoed Chicago’s chances for landing the Olympics in 2016; his feeble dithering on the Afghan war; his presiding over the recent U.N. Gathering of Goons; his approval of Iran’s corrupt ‘elections’ and his whiny threats to take away Ahmadinejad’s favorite PlayStation if Iran keeps building nukes; and his recent outreach to those noted humanitarians, the Taliban, the Nobel committee had to act.

And then, the Keyster’s brother called from California with this shocking news: Dear Leader actually had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. And that nominations were closed in early February, meaning that Obama didn’t have time to do much more than release a few terrorists, renounce Israel and appoint a couple Commie czars.

Yes, our Dear Leader joins the ranks of such luminaries as Jimmy Carter, Yassar Arafat and Al “Greenie with a Gulfstream” Gore in winning the Peace Prize. It’s a great honor… if you accept the Nobel ideal that peace means capitulation to evil. In the world of the Nobel prize folks, saying you’re in favor of a world free of nuclear weapons (who in their right mind isn’t?) is the same as achieving it. Intentions, not outcomes, are what counts. BHO is trying so hard, who cares if the world is a much more dangerous place when you have mullahs with missiles and dictators-for-life spreading throughout South America.

Obama to docs: ‘Act like you know what you’re doing’

October 6, 2009

In nine months of ‘can you top this?’ weirdness, President Obama shattered altitude records again yesterday on the White House lawn. Dear Leader assembled a hand-picked group of physicians who support destroying the best healthcare system in the world, all to serve as props for yet another BHO big speech on healthcare.

'They're real doctors, you can tell by their coats!'

'They're real doctors, you can tell by their coats!'

But a few of these hicks forgot their orders to wear lab coats, never mind that no self-respecting doctor would ever don one outside of their clinical practice. Not to worry, eager White House staffers helpfully passed out white coats to all. It would have been more subtle if BHO had them wear neon signs on their heads that flashed: “I’m a real doctor!”

This event raises some important points. First, BHO believes that the vast majority of Americans are dull normals, eager to become witless wards of the state. The Keyster doesn’t doubt that the Docs on Display (which would be a wonderful name for a band) yesterday actually believe that government can run medicine more efficiently and effectively than themselves (although most of the white coaters were said to be big-time Obama supporters and/or worked at non-profit clinics that rely on, yep, government hand-outs).

But if Obama really believes that using physicians like department store mannequins helps his cause, this country is in bigger trouble than we realize. This guy has all the tact of one of those staged ACORN protests we continually see replayed on TV, which come to think of it, makes a lot of sense.

Dear Leader also wants a national energy tax, so we should steel ourselves for the inevitable media event featuring “fat cat” polluters straight from central casting, complete with cigars, pockets bulging with greenbacks and holding smokestacks belching toxic fumes. BHO will climb the podium, wipe tears away from the eyes of a group of multi-cultural children, and declare he’s going to save the world from global meltdown… it’s just going to cost each American family at least $3,000 a year and further destroy the American economy. A small price to pay so BHO can be viewed as a success by the Democrat party! Anybody got a lab coat?

BHO not boffo in Denmark: “Chicago 2016 Olympics” t-shirts available at deep discount at whitehouse.gov

October 3, 2009

The Hindenburg. The Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The Titanic. And now, Chicago’s 2016 Olympics bid takes its place among the great man-made disasters of all time.

hindenburg
Years from now, students will learn how hubris and a sense of entitlement inevitably lead to catastrophe… and how the vain never learn, despite grainy videos of flaming dirigibles, madly buckling bridges and a President of the United States smugly reading from his teleprompter. James Cameron Jr. will produce a movie, Crashing in Copenhagen, that brings the mess to the big screen for generations that were not alive to witness this horror in person.

tacomaBridgeIt was all set, failure was not possible. The three O’s — Barack O, Michelle O and Oprah — would dazzle the IOC. The sheer coolness of BHO, Michelle’s toned arms, Oprah’s famous empathy. Tokyo, Rio and Madrid were going to be rolled like a Republican candidate in Cook County, Illinois, with Rahm Emanuel leading the dirty work behind the scenes.

And in 2016, it would be a glorious finale to Dear Leader’s two-term Presidency, hosting what would come to be known as the O-lympics in his home town. David Axelrod was already planning how Obama would light the Olympic flame, framing the perfect image to seal his Presidential legacy.

titanic1What could go wrong? Well, it turns out, almost everything. Despite President Obama’s nine straight months of apologies for America’s greatness, much of the world, including his beloved Europeans, still don’t like us very much. Oprah’s ratings in Brussels just don’t match those in America’s heartland. The recent Youtube videos of Chicago’s youth using each other as pinatas in fatal beatings weren’t helpful.

To the Keyster, the most shocking part of the entire debacle was BHO’s political miscalculations. His vaunted political machine, a group of people that planted a glib neophyte into the White House, failed him most profoundly. A U.S. President for the first time pitched the IOC, and was sent home a loser, a first-round washout. Obama’s media has circled the wagons and is protecting him as best as they can. But the sad truth is that this was personal, on the world stage Dear Leader again crashed and burned as dramatically as the German airship in 1937.