Archive for November, 2009

‘Scientists’ cook the books on ‘global warming’: the only thing rising is anger at massive scientific scam

November 28, 2009

So now it comes out that many of the leading ‘scientists’ perpetrating the ‘global-warming’ hysteria are lying. A series of damning emails reveal that climate ‘researchers’ throughout the Western world are about as credible as Joe Biden counting jobs “created or saved” by the Obama administration’s spending orgy.

Scientist 1: “Hmm, the data show that the earth is actually, well, getting cooler over the last decade.”
Scientist 2: “I’ll just turn the chart upside down and testify to the U.S. Senate that they must slap a huge energy tax on every American. Saps like John Kerry and Lindsey Graham wouldn’t care if our research was done by Britney Spears as long as we demand more government control over the economy.”
Scientist 1: “Of course this means that we’ll qualify for another $200 million in grants including funding for our new ‘research’ facility in Maui.”
Scientist 2: “I’ll get the graphics people to Photoshop polar bears on melting icebergs. That works every time.”

'Dedicated climate res

'Dedicated climate scientists generate the data on which President Obama will base his Copenhagen speech'

The revelation that the biggest names in ‘global warming’ are in fact the biggest frauds in the history of science has generated non-stop coverage by the U.S. news media. Oh wait. The members of the official Obama Communications Grid have completely ignored the hoax. The New York Times was so outraged that it sent its entire investigative reporting team to Alaska to prove that Sarah Palin is not a hockey mom.

Hoping that nobody will notice that their entire premise is bogus, President Obama and the Congressional Democrats are determined to tax the very gases we exhale. After all, they’ve based their energy tax scheme (Cap and Trade) on rising earth temps. Now that ‘global warming’ has been officially proven a scam, our Dear Leader promptly announced he’s heading to Denmark to transfer America’s wealth third-world nations.

'Our only hope to save him is to ensure America does not prosper'

It’s a little hard to follow BHO’s thinking that connects a science Ponzi scheme to higher taxes. But clearly, we all need to rally around his glorious Green Revolution that will have us living in huts made from recycled milk cartons and eating organic weeds within a generation.

The Keyster helpfully offers the following President Obama’s Guide to All You Need to Know About Global Warming:

— People, especially Republicans, are destroying the planet.
— Rich people, except for my campaign contributors, are really evil.
— Americans are the worst of all on the environment, unless they belong to ACORN.
— The earth is warming so quickly that North Dakota will soon resemble Havana in August, only it won’t be nearly as prosperous after I get done taxing America back to the Stone Age.
–The only way to reverse global warming is for me to go to Copenhagen and bow before more world leaders.
— Al Gore, whose average breakfast would feed a village in India for a month, is a brilliant climate prophet.
— Al Gore got a C in his third-grade science class, so if you dare to question any of his statements you’re obviously a Luddite who also believes the earth is flat.
— Michelle has wonderfully toned arms.


Susan’s creation: Keyster’s former guitar now a work of art

November 25, 2009

We interrupt our political commentary to bring you an update on an earlier blog: Last August, long-time readers may recall that the Keyster sold a kiddie guitar via Craigslist (you can read the earlier post by clicking August under Archives and scrolling to August 24). Susan bought the Czech-made instrument not to play it, but to have it play host to her broken-glass artistry.

A guitar transformed

After the mutually satisfying transaction, the Keyster posted the blog extolling the virtues of Craigslist and Susan, and assumed we’d seen the last of said guitar. But late last night, an email arrived with the subject line: Re:kid’s guitar. And there were stunning photos of the guitar after Susie had worked her magic. Here’s what she said:

A face adorns the back of the instrument formerly owned by a member of the Keyster clan

“Hi, Mark. I bought the small guitar from you a few months back for one of my mosaic projects and I’m finally finished with it. I wanted to send you some pictures because I thought you might be interested to see what became of that little guitar. Hope you like it! I am starting a series of several guitars like this. I’m also taking custom orders so people can display it in their homes as wall or table art (I’m constructing rotating guitar stands so that all sides of the guitar can be viewed). Please spread the word if you know anyone who may be interested. Thanks again for selling the guitar to me. It has brought me great joy to transform it into what it is now. Have a great holiday!”

You can contact Susie at her web site Broken Art Designs. The Keyster highly recommends you visit and maybe you’ll see an inspiration for a truly unique Christmas gift.

Susie deployed blue tiles on the sides to contrast with the bird-themed top

The Obama Doctrine on foreign policy: ‘Peace through Appeasement’?

November 20, 2009

As our Dear Leader concludes his 74th teeth-gnashing international trip, we can now piece together, for the first time, the Obama Doctrine. Most Presidents develop at least one bedrock principle when dealing with both friends and foes in the international arena. Because Obama spends more time outside the United States than in it, it’s important for him to adopt a doctrine of his very own.

'I made excellent progress with the Chinese leaders. They agreed to supply me with all the retro style jackets I can wear!'

President Reagan immortalized Peace Through Strength and Trust but Verify. President Bush 43 had You’re Either with Us or Against Us, Axis of Evil and Global War on Terror. President Bush 41 checked in with his doctrine of This Shall Not Stand. President Carter? Well, whacking swimming rabbits with a canoe paddle was about the only aggression of which he approved. Even frat boy President Clinton had a doctrine of sorts: When in Trouble at Home, Bomb an Aspirin Factory Abroad. Maybe not Give ‘Em Hell Harry but accurate and Monica so appreciated the gesture.

With President Obama temporarily back on U.S. soil following his Asian tour, the world is still chuckling at the spectacle of the leader of the free world:
— Getting lectured by the Communist Chinese on his feckless fiscal policies and the burgeoning U.S. debt
— Bowing so low to the Japanese emperor that he got floor burns on his forehead
— Awkwardly strolling the Great Wall of China in a Members Only jacket straight out of a Starky & Hutch rerun, a photo-op so staged that it’s been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize for fiction

'Didn't I already apologize to you on my last world tour?'

As Obama was stumbling through Asia, Iran kept merrily building its nukes. In response, our Dear Leader said he was going to convene a “summit” to discuss further talks aimed at forming a committee to develop a white paper to take to the U.N. Agency on Buying Lunatics Time to Acquire Nuclear Weapons to request that Ahmadinejad be sent to bed without his supper. Both Russia and China have already objected to the proposal as being “harsh.”

BHO also said he’ll get around to thinking about the war in Afghanistan after he finishes his next international trip. “Let me be clear. I plan to waffle some more about this big decision after my upcoming Presidential visit to Polynesia. I have just learned that there are still three nations to which I haven’t made an apology,” Obama told a news conference on his return.

The conference was somewhat marred when a New York Times reporter rushed the podium with flowers and a plate of home-baked cookies, knocking over Obama’s teleprompter. Luckily, press secretary Gibbs was able to repair the ‘prompter and revive the reporter by promising him an autograph.

But back to the need for a catchy and decisive phrase to define the Obama Doctrine: the Keyster helpfully offers the following suggestions to Dear Leader as he contemplates his place in history.

Peace through Appeasement

Dithering with Dictators

It’s Always Our Fault

Hey, It Happened Before I Was Elected

Speak Softly, But Carry a Feather Duster

We’ll Meet with Anyone, Anywhere, With No Pre-Conditions
(does not apply to allies including the U.K., Honduras, Colombia and Israel)

President O-bow-ma to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: ‘You’ll love Manhattan!’

November 17, 2009

Now that our Dear Leader has decided to bring five masterminds of 9/11 to New York for a civilian trial, we can look forward to years of legal chaos…plus a dramatic diminution of our nation’s terrorist-fighting capabilities. In other words, exactly the type of move that brings a warm glow to President Obama. It’s been a rough few months for Barry and he needed a lift.

'You gotta try this little deli on 58th Street, the pastrami is to die for!'

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who boasts of his role in the deaths of 3,000 American civilians, has already announced that he’s going to act as his own attorney. The ACLU, which had assembled a team of 250 lawyers to get him acquitted on a technicality, promptly filed a brief in Federal Court asking if they can at least pose for a photo with KSM.

Every frothing-at-the-mouth radical in North America has already booked a room in Manhattan for this spectacle. It’ll be a hate-America fest, from the first “Die you pigs of Zion!” epitaph screamed by the jihadists to the months of testimony about the “torture” the murderers endured, especially being forced to go a whole week without access to their iPods. It’ll make the O.J. Simpson trial look like traffic court.

'President O-bow-ma in full supplication mode'

'Our Dear Leader in full supplication mode, but hey, the sushi is great over there!'

While Attorney General Holder was inviting KSM and his buds to tour the sights of Manhattan — “and over there is the Statue of Liberty, and here’s the hole where the Twin Towers once stood” — Barry was in Asia embarrassing the United States. Even BHO’s few remaining supporters (mainly tenured professors, illegal immigrants and Charlie Crist) have squirmed at the now infamous photo of the Barry Bow.

Proving that there are no depths that he cannot plumb to humiliate this country, Obama now will be henceforth known as O-bow-ma. Here we had the elected leader of the most powerful country on earth all but kissing the feet of an “emperor” whose father launched the attack that resulted in the deaths of millions of Americans in WWII.

Barry leaned over so far in supplication to the tiny Emp that people wondered if George Soros was in the room. All this from a guy who has refused to put his hand over his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance at campaign events.

But back to terrorists and enemy combatants being granted full legal protections just like they were American citizens: The Keyster has learned that Obama’s pals in Hollywood are developing treatments to turn the trial into a Broadway musical (“Meet Me in Kabul!”), a major motion picture and a reality show.

When asked about his part in the Murderers to Manhattan decision, Obama again went full-out Pontius Pilate on us. “This was a legal decision by Attorney General Holder and I didn’t even know about it until I got a text message from Bill Ayers,” our Prez replied. His hands are clean! Now he’ll be able to watch the trial on his Blackberry while on the golf course.

Dear Leader to the 15.7 million unemployed: ‘Don’t worry, I’ll hold a jobs summit!’

November 13, 2009

Having done all in his power to cause businesses to slash their payrolls, President Obama has finally taken decisive action to reverse the ranks of the unemployed. Yes, our Dear Leader next month will stage a “jobs summit” complete with “stakeholders” and representatives of various “communities.”

Wash Jobless

'We'll have a big meeting and talk about jobs, that should help people land work!'

The Washington D.C. gabfest in December will no doubt be a hoot. BHO will pack the room with CEOs of big campaign contributors such as Google, Disney and Berkshire Hathaway; union thugs like SEIU head Andy Stern; hundreds of lefty bureaucrats from Treasury, HUD, Commerce and other departments; a rogues gallery of anti-capitalist “community” organizations; and a racially diverse group of job-seekers, all of whom will tearfully blame Bush for their plight. What could go wrong?

There will be emotional speeches, calls-to-action, pledges-of-support, photo ops… and nothing will change, except the upward trajectory of the jobless rate. Because the fact is, the Obama administration is well on its way to becoming the biggest job killer in U.S. history. Its entire approach to governance is to grow the public sector. And that is always at the expense of the private sector. It’s an economic law as irrefutable as gravity.

Here’s the Obama Doctrine on Jobs:
— Have the federal government suck up most the available capital for “stimulus” programs, TARP bailouts and hiring more bureaucrats
— Use all powers of the federal government to force unions on businesses, thus driving up costs and inefficiencies
— Keep taxes growing, especially targeting small businesses and the productive (otherwise known as the rich)
— Use the bully pulpit to wildly attack industries such as pharmaceuticals, resorts, insurance and certain media conglomerates
— Cram through laws that will make energy and healthcare the two largest expenses for any business, with no end in sight
— Impose thousands of pages of onerous new regulations that effectively turn businesses over to Barney Frank, Chris Dodd and the EPA, who can not be trusted to operate a lemonade stand, let alone a company that actually has a payroll


'Eagerly awaiting our Dear Leader's Jobs Summit'

The Keyster is sure that the prospect of the upcoming “jobs summit” is of great comfort to those who cannot land a gig. After all, it will be built upon the unqualified success of other “summits” throughout history designed to solve problems caused by the very politicians holding the meeting. Who can forget these classics:

President Bill Clinton and the Respect for Women Summit, 1998

Sen. Ted Kennedy and the Reducing Drunk Driving Summit, 1969

Former Sen. John Edwards and the Building Strong Marriages Summit, 2008

The French War Heroes Summit, 1946

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and the Ending Unnecessary Cosmetic Surgery Summit, held annually from 1992-2009

Veterans Day 2009: Honoring our warriors

November 11, 2009

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf
George Orwell








ObamaCare passes House: ‘Nanny’ Nancy and Dear Leader halfway home

November 9, 2009

While most of America was at the movies or watching their favorite college football team on Saturday night (especially Navy’s upset of Notre Dame), the U.S. House of Representatives did its part to destroy the best healthcare system in the world. Speaker Pelosi bribed enough wavering Democrats to claim victory on the largest expansion of the federal government of all time.


'She's a little tough on the eyes, but boy can she twist arms!'

Most of the drama played out on Saturday in the Capitol’s backrooms (formerly smoke-filled until Barney Frank banned icky cigars and placed bayberry scented aromalamps in every Congressional room). Pelosi and President Obama focused on convincing “Blue Puppy” Dems why they should favor of piling trillions onto the deficit, jerking up taxes and nationalizing 20% of the economy. Sure it’s going to permanently reduce America’s lifestyle and life expectancy, but hey, at least you’ll be “on the right side of history.”

Just an observation: but has there ever been a juicier non sequitur than “fiscally conservative Blue Dog Democrats”? Members of the official Obama Communications Grid including the WashPo, NYTimes, CBS, CNN and AP love to tantalize their few remaining readers/viewers with tales of these pillars of restraint among the lunatic lefties that run the Democrat party.

The story line typically revolves around: can Pelosi/Reid/Frank/Hoyer/Waxman coerce “fiscally conservative” Blue Puppies to support more government intrusion into the lives of Americans. Yep, there are some “fiscally conservative” members of Congress. They just happen to be Republicans.

In the end, Pelosi and Dear Leader always manage to get enough “Blue Puppies” to go along with abominations like the national energy tax (Cap and Trade), the “stimulus” bill and now the healthcare fiasco. You’re more likely to find the Audubon Society sponsoring a dove hunt than you are finding a Democrat who doesn’t favor expanding government.


'Making offers they can't refuse'

Nancy’s biggest coup, aside from slipping the “Pelosi Amendment” into the bill guaranteeing free lifetime Botox treatment for all Congresswomen from California, was getting one Republican to support nationalized healthcare. Louisiana freshman Rep. Joseph Cao was handsomely rewarded for his vote: billions in extra taxpayer funds are on the way to his heavily Democrat district, along with with a free two-liter bottle of Pepsi and an order of cheesy breaksticks.

In the end, the Keyster has to admire the bare-knuckles politics of the libs. While the conservative cause searches for its next Gipper or Lee Atwater — politicians who weren’t afraid to mix it up with the Dems — Dear Leader, Nancy and Harry are straight out of The Godfather, making offers that no Democrat can refuse. “This is a nice office you got here Congressman, real nice. And you’ve got a fine family. It’d be a shame if anything happened to them.”

And our Dear Leader is halfway to his goal of establishing a government-run healthcare system that will be the envy of the third world.

Big news: the Keyster has ‘created or saved’ more than 2.1 million columns

November 4, 2009

As the national unemployment rate climbs inexorably toward double digits, the Keyster was relieved to learn from the Obama administration that the $787 billion “stimulus” program thus far has worked to perfection. President Obama reassures us that he has “created or saved” more than one million jobs to date.

Obama smokes dope

'I've created or saved 24,000 jobs among Mendocino growers alone!'

Forget the 15.1 million unemployed people desperate to land a gig, up a third since Barry’s coronation in January, the White House reports we’re “creating or saving” jobs like Acorn stuffing a ballot box. These have been in vital industries such as teleprompter repair, counting DNC campaign contributions, and painting “Your Stimulus Funds at Work!” signs. Just imagine the anguish if taxpayer money wasn’t funding projects as essential as The National Jockstrap Museum, squirrel infertility research and the National Endowment for the Arts latest blockbuster exhibit: Moist Towelettes: From Byzantine to Post Modern.

The impressive thing about the nomenclature of President Obama is that “created or saved” cannot possibly be measured. As unemployment has soared to record levels, Dear Leader has two answers. First, it’s all due to the mess he inherited from Bush. And second, think how bad it would be if we didn’t pile trillions of debt on the next generation.

Government worker: “Hey, you still working down at the Burger Barn?”
Minimum wage teenager: “Yep.”
Government worker: “Hello Vice President Biden? We just saved another 200,000 jobs in the foodservice industry!”

So taking the lead from our Dear Leader, the Keyster would like to helpfully offer some new areas of achievement that Barry can add


'Joe and Barry, creating and saving their way to greatness'

to his resume as he campaigns to win a Grammy, a Tony Award and Dancing with the Stars to go with his Nobel Prize. None can be objectively quantified. Each would be fully endorsed by CBS News, The Washington Post, Pravda and the rest of Gibby’s playmates in the Official White House Communications Grid.

Nuclear Weapons Proliferation ‘Prevented or Discouraged’: During Barry’s first nine months in office, by the official White House tally, he has stopped 92 separate nations from acquiring nuclear weapons including Gabon, the Republic of Palau and Gilligan’s Island. Does not include those countries run by lunatics who actually have acquired nukes including North Korea and Iran.

Holes-in-One ‘Made or Imagined’: BHO’s favorite pastime, aside from condemning our allies, is golf. Now that he’s fixed the economy, won the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and cured swine flu, every weekend finds him hitting the “links” for a relaxing day of golf. It’s little known that he is our nation’s finest Presidential golfer, having “made or imagined” over 179 holes-in-one in less than a year.

Hurricanes ‘Halted or Redirected’: The United States has been spared any damage from the 2009 hurricane season, which runs for just a few more days. This is BHO’s first hurricane season as President. Coincidence? I think not. The National Weather Service reports that Obama has ‘halted or redirected’ nine major hurricanes away from U.S. coastlines through the sheer force of his personality, not to mention the fact the storms can’t stand to sit through another “big” healthcare speech.

Send in the cavalry, cue up Gandalf: it’s time for a happy ending to this movie

November 1, 2009

Some of the Keyster’s favorite films are the three Lord of the Rings epics by Peter Jackson. With superb casting, stunning special effects and outstanding acting, the Lord of the Rings movies are built upon author J.R. R. Tolkien’s conviction that both good and evil exist in this fallen world. While we have noble characters such as Gandalf and Aragorn, Tolkien also created truly odious men like Saruman and the wonderfully named Grima Wormtongue.


'Orcs attack en masse: who can save Middle Earth from such evil?'

In each film, the heroes, in their efforts to save the world from evil, engage in massive battles against overwhelming hordes of orcs, cave trolls and hideously corrupted men. Should the good guys fail, the world forever would be under darkness. After fighting gallantly and suffering massive losses, it appears all is lost for those who love freedom and justice.

And then, up on a ridge, a savior appears: Gandalf leading a cavalry of fierce freedom fighters, or Legolas/Gimli/Aragorn fronting an army of the dead fighting to redeem their honor, as well as mankind. In the end, evil is vanquished and man is again able to live in peace and freedom… until the next madman arises to challenge all that is true and noble in Middle Earth. Tolkien’s Christian worldview is apparent throughout his books and the movies that Jackson delivered earlier this century.

WideScreen_The Lord of The Rings - The Rise of The Witch-King

'The Witch King of Angmar: almost as terrifying as Barney Frank proposing new federal regulation'

Today, the Keyster feels like he’s in the last reel of a Lord of the Rings movie. America is under assault from vicious hordes of government. Every hour brings a fresh assault on our freedom:
— A 2,000-page health care bill that that will, without any doubt, result in massive tax increases, a soaring deficit and a sharp diminution of the quality of medicine in America, not to mention the creation of the largest bureaucracy in U.S. history
— A proposed national energy tax (the so-called “cap-and-trade” debacle) that will increase the costs for every single item we consume in this country, while resulting jobs being outsourced to third-world countries
— A nationalization of our banks, insurance companies and formerly great industrial firms such as GM and Chrysler
— New federal regulations that will turn the entire financial industry into regulated utilities similar to power companies, with people in Washington deciding interest rates, mortgage terms, ATM fees, and whether your bank has to offer a two-slice toaster instead of a single when you open a new account
— Appointed “czars,” who profess fealty to fascists such as Mao and Chavez and more frightening that anything Tolkien imagined, are setting salaries, deciding what light bulbs we can use, and taking control of every aspect of our lives

And where is the cavalry riding to the rescue? Where is the hero who can stop the freedom-killers such as Pelosi, Frank, Reid, Dodd, Baucus, Waxman, Kerry, and especially their feared leader, Obama? The U.S. news media, with a few notable exceptions, has gone to the dark side. The New York Times and NBCs of the world, which once prided themselves on investigative journalism, have joined arms with the statists. The Washington Post even supports the media becoming a subsidized arm of the Obama government, all the better to cheerlead the expanding nanny state. “Moderates” like Sen. Bill Nelson of Florida and Sen. Snowe of Maine are mere clay being molded on the potter’s wheel.

'Frodo Baggins, Ronald Reagan... who will save us today from the onslaughts of the statists'

'Frodo Baggins and Ronald Reagan answered the call in their day... who will save us from the statist onslaught today?'

But like Tolkien, the Keyster believes that it’s during the darkest times that the most unlikely people emerge. In the Lord of the Rings, it was the humble hobbits Froddo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee who saved Middle Earth. In the 1980s, the disaster of Jimmy Carter enabled a former B-list actor named Ron to bring new prosperity and freedom. not just to the U.S., but to the world (see Soviet Union, fall thereof).

After all, the one true savior, Jesus of Nazareth, volunteered to be tortured on a rough wooden cross. Talk about all being seemingly lost: his disciples watched him die as a common criminal. But then He returned in glory three days later and ascended to take his throne next to the Father.

So the Keyster will keep fighting, knowing that evil has already been defeated once and for all. The era of Obama, Reid and Pelosi will pass, great men and women will answer the challenge. Send in the cavalry!