Archive for December, 2009

Health Care Action Figures: ‘Mommy, mommy, I want the Horrible Harry!!’

December 27, 2009

Now that the Christmas shopping season is behind us, toy makers already are scrambling to create their line-ups for next year to bring smiles to the faces of children throughout America. The Keyster today is announcing that he is working with a major toy company on a new line of action-figure dolls that undoubtedly will be the hot-sellers in 2010. Under my exclusive contract, I’m unable to divulge the name of the toy company, but I can tell you it rhymes with ‘Patel.’

Children of all ages will want to collect the 'Bribe Me Ben' action figure!

The Health Care Heroes action figures will rolled out nationally next fall. Not only will children of all ages want to collect each one, adults will be eager to have their own Health Care Heroes as well.

As you read this, highly-skilled toy engineers are finalizing the Heroes and designing the features that will endear them to ‘children of all ages.’ Although it’s still in flux, I can share with the Keyster’s loyal readers a few of the Health Care Heroes that have been approved for production.

Bribe Me Ben: Yes, Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska will be an anchor of the Heroes line. After selling out his pro-life principles for a few million Medicare dollars for his state, Bribe Me Ben will be an interactive doll. Push his button and Bribe Me will say things like: “Everyone in America will pay for Nebraska’s Medicare!” and “Money is more important than babies any day!”

Horrible Harry: During the nationalization of the U.S. health care system, no man played a bigger role than Sen. Harry Reid of Nevada. The Horrible Harry figure may be too frightening for younger children, but perfect for pre-teens. Made of a special rock-hard plastic, Horrible comes with a miniature podium from which he makes other-worldly pronouncements in a terrifying monotonic voice. You’ll shriek in terror as Horrible says things like: “We have finally fixed health care for all Americans” and “This bill provides insurance for all people, while reducing taxes and cutting the deficit.”

With 'Kill em Kathy' your kids can create their own little death panel!

Kill ’em Kathy
: With the U.S. government taking control of health care, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathy Sebelius instantly becomes one of the most powerful people in the world. She will determine treatments and oversee the scores of federal agencies and panels that stand between you and your doctor. Wind up Kill ’em Kathy and she rolls around handing out gift certificates for free abortions at Planned Parenthood and “Go directly to hospice” cards to anyone over age 60.


‘Do you recall, the most liberal Democrat of all?’ A Keyster’s Reindeer Song

December 22, 2009

Barack, the Liberal Democrat (to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and with apologies to Johnny Marks)

You know Barney, and Harry, and
Nancy, and Teddy,
Steny, and Barbara, and
Joseph, and Bernie.
But do you recall,
the most liberal Democrat of all?

Barack, the radical liberal
Had very scary friends
And if you ever saw them
You know that they tax and spend.

All of the other commies,
Used to laugh and call us names,
Once Barack got elected president,
They sent America down in flames.

Then one snowy December eve,
Harry got his way,
“Barack, we socialists won the fight,
won’t you nationalize health care tonight?”

Then all the Senators loved him
As he bribed all 60,
“Barack, the radical liberal,
You’ll go down in his…tor…reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Barack to Copenhagen: ‘You’re not so wonderful’

December 19, 2009

As our President late Friday fled Copenhagen bound for a record snowstorm back home, the Keyster wonders: whatever happened to ‘No-Drama Obama’? Remember when Barack was the coolest guy to ever run for Prez? Nothing could ruffle this man: who else could casually dismiss the fact his mentors were racists and terrorists, thus causing the New York Times and CBS News to promptly investigate Sarah Palin’s children.

'Even Barry's charm and offer of $100 billion a year was not enough to calm the global-warming conference'

Well, ‘No-Drama’ has morphed into ‘Full-Trauma Obama.’ Barry left Copenhagen in complete chaos and arrived in Washington to a Senate debate on ‘healthcare reform’ that makes the Marx Brothers in Night at the Opera look like cloistered nuns. Add in blizzard conditions unheard of at this time of the year — no irony there for the global-warming alarmists — and it’s clear the only thing melting is Obama’s popularity.

Just an aside, but do you think that the Obamas will vacation this summer in Copenhagen? After his humiliating defeat in the Danish capital trying to snare the Olympics for Chicago, and now the implosion of the global-warming confab, the Keyster bets that Nancy Pelosi will swear off botox before BHO even mentions the word Denmark again.

'Maybe if I made all Republicans live in yurts we could save the polar bears'

After all, the lefties of the world fully expected the President to jet into the messy climate conference and do his magic. Instead, he gave a dull speech to the Copenhagen loonies and rushed off stage desperately seeking a world leader to bow to. Barack finally located a still-unidentified Asian man (speculation is that he was part of the security detail for the Chinese), bowed deeply and apologized for America.

Even with Hillary Clinton trying feverishly to give away $100 billion of U.S. taxpayers’ money, nobody was buying. Instead, the President of the United State, formerly known as the most powerful man in the world, was reduced to announcing a “framework for a future meeting to develop a possible agreement with absolutely no enforcement mechanisms.”

Unfortunately, Obama and his Dems in the Congress are persistent, no matter what their poll numbers. Despite the fact the “science” behind the global-warming scam is more corrupt that a Rod Blagojevich deposition, the libs are determined to implement a national energy tax. After all, we need to send trillions to the Chinese and Brazilians so they can further destroy America’s industrial base. So expect to see Senate debate on the “cap and tax” scheme begin early next year.

Meanwhile, after weeks of secrecy (remember when the media got hysterical if Dick Cheney was not seen in Washington for 48 hours?), Harry Reid this weekend is ready to jam through an unread bill nationalizing the American healthcare system. The Keyster fully expects this monstrosity to pass. They’ll be something for every Senator who votes for it… while 310 million Americans will get higher taxes, poorer medical care and shortened lifespans. A small price to pay so that Obama can brag that he achieved his top legislative priority!

Alas, when we need the Marx brothers — Harpo, Chico and Groucho — we instead get Karl, Harry and Barack.

Inspired by the Prez, Tiger gives himself a “B+, maybe nudging toward an A-”

December 15, 2009

Our President, if nothing else, is one confident dude. In a gooey interview with Oprah, his billionaire bud from Chicago, President Obama gave himself a “solid B+” on his performance in office so far.

'Might need a little work with the driving, but everything else is peachy!'

The Siesta Keyster has exclusively acquired a clandestine copy of the scorecard BHO used to arrive at his grade and can share the contents with his readers. Scrawled in Obama’s own left-handed cursive, this document now resides deep in the National Archives. Rahm Emmanuel is personally overseeing plans to display it alongside the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sex with that woman” speech.

My First Year in Office, by Barack Hussein Obama, POTUS
Unemployment rate, A-: If that moron Harry Reid can stay coherent long enough to jam the health care bill, we should hit 18-20%, no problemo.
Deficit, A++: You think you can deficit spend W, look at my first 11 months! The best is yet to come, how does $2 trillion sound by the end my second year? Memo to self: remind Tim to print another $450 million for Mary Landrieu.
Foreign affairs, B: Fine effort sucking up to Iran, China & Russia. Stabbed Honduras, Colombia, U.K. and other allies in back, excellent. Still some countries left to apologize to.
Climate Change, B: Lardbutt Al Gore sure isn’t helping. Assuming that Barney Fife sound-alike can keep his fat yap shut about vanishing polar ice, we should get a deal at Copenhagen that will double energy prices by 2012.
Vegetable garden, A-; Kudos to the tomatoes and cukes. Only disappointment was the green peppers. Get that hayseed Vilsack at Agriculture to lead this project next growing season.

'Mr. President, you're an inspiration to Tareq and me. I gave us an A++ thanks to you!'

In the same spirit of candid self-assessment demonstrated by our President, the Keyster asked other leading figures in the public eye to likewise grade themselves. Here are the results and their commentary that we’ve received to date:

Tiger Woods, golfer, B+: “The short game, never better. Driver needs some work, but Cadillac arranging lessons at the Orlando Safe Driving School, LOL! Interviewing new PR firms to spruce up image. Memo to self: call ProFlowers and order the $34.99 ‘I love you honey!’ bouquet for Elin.”
Tareq and Michaele Salahi, party crashers, A+: “We made the cover of People!!!!! Michaele wowed State Dinner in her kicky dress!!!!! Next up: Christmas with the Bidens in Delaware.”
Lawrence Frank, head coach of the 2-22 New Jersey Nets, A-: “Team really starting to jell. After an admittedly slow start, managed to stay within 30 points during our last seven losses.”

Keyster confesses to environmental felony: Copenhagen ‘climate change’ summit in turmoil

December 10, 2009

As global-warming alarmists gathered in Copenhagen this week, closer to home a terrible eco-crime was foisted on the planet. It occurred even as scores of ‘scientists’ — caught skewing their data so obscenely that even O.J. Simpson was appalled — pleaded with malleable politicians to impose restrictions on prosperity in the Western world.

The Keyster unleashed an eco-calamity on the planet so profound, it makes the Exxon Valdez look a grade school science project.

In a nifty bit of three-card Monte with the lexicon, the ‘scientists’ have subtly changed their entire premise to “climate change.” Bingo, any rise or decrease in the earth’s temperature is caused by, yep, man-made carbon dioxide emissions. They can’t lose! I wonder where President Obama got the inspiration for his “jobs created or saved” phrase?

But back to CO2. This simple compound, which is actually plant food, has been declared a pollutant by the eco-fascists in the EPA. With one stroke of her bio-degradable pen, Lisa Jackson gave herself the authority to regulate every human being in the United States. After all, with each breath, we exhale a gas she has declared so toxic that, well, plants can’t live without it. Who needs the Democrat “cap and tax” scheme when you can get so much more without all that messy debate and unfortunate discussions of tainted databases.

Not to worry, our Dear Leader and the EPA assure us. They’re only going to go after big “polluters,” for now. In other words, the companies that make our food, gasoline, electricity and just about everything else are going to be hit with massive expenses to lower their CO2 levels. And the trillions these companies are forced to cough up will be passed on to, uh, everyone in America. Nice work Barry!

But it’s not just in the U.S. where such insanity is on the loose. There are actually serious discussions going on in Copenhagen about how the rest of the world should adopt China’s one-child policy. After all, according to these loonies, every baby represents a lifetime of carbon-dioxide emissions. We gotta keep the planet pristine for the ferns and polar bears. China is viewed a great model for the rest of the world. Such is the inevitable result once you abandon science for a political end so twisted that only Planned Parenthood and the Chinese communists can love it.

The inevitable result of the Keyster's crime: the icepacks declined significantly this week.

Okay Keyster, you’re probably thinking: what about the crime? Come clean, right now, or we’ll force you to watch An Inconvenient Truth non-stop until you’re reduced to babbling like Harry Reid without his meds.

Our sordid tale began on a dark and stormy night. The Keyster’s in-laws each year bless us with a box of steaks and other treats from Omaha Steaks. The box arrived Wednesday and I carefully unloaded the frozen food into the freezer. And then I saw it in the bottom of the disposable cooler: a block of dry ice.

Dry ice is, of course, carbon dioxide converted into its solid state. That simple rectangle was a ticking time-bomb about to explode on the earth’s surface. Rather than call Lisa Jackson to send a hazardous-materials truck for the dry ice, the Keyster and a junior member of the clan wantonly shattered it with a hammer.

And then, cackling like Nancy Pelosi after ramming through a tax increase, the Keysters tossed the shards into the pool. We watched as the dry ice returned to its gaseous state, drifting up into the misty night air… CO2, greenhouse gas, unadulterated poison.

There. It’s off my chest. I’m hopeful that by confessing the EPA will let me off with a $250,000 fine and five years probation. After all, we’ve got a lot of steaks to cook… on our solar-grill, of course.

Obama ‘Jobs Summit’: Hey, let’s borrow money for another huge government program!

December 5, 2009

President Obama’s ‘Jobs Summit,’ a leftist three-ring circus, lumbered to a close this week. Meanwhile, BHO hit the road on a ‘listening tour,’ trying in vain to channel Bill “I feel your pain” Clinton, but as usual falling way short on the empathy scale. In fact, the only time we’ve seen Obama animated since his ascension was when he falsely accused the Cambridge police of being racists. Maybe Barry could hire the Rev. Wright to give him a few passion lessons?

'Sure, I've driven unemployment to record levels, but SEIU membership is up!'

As the Keyster anticipated in his November 13 post, the ‘Jobs Summit’ featured all the usual characters of this administration. Andy Stern, who has spent more time in the White House than BHO himself, was there with his SEIU posse.

Big Obama campaign contributor Eric Schmidt of Google was a featured guest and really stood out because he was one the few in the room who actually had a payroll. NY Times columnist Paul Krugman, who has spent the last 10 months pleading for more government spending, thoughtfully stroked his beard as he urged Barry to pile on the deficits. There were plenty of Ivy League academics present, lending their support for neo-Marxist solutions to double-digit unemployment caused by, well, neo-Marxist policies.

So after all the theatrics, what’s Obama going to do? That’s right, it’s time for another Big Speech! On Tuesday the President will foist yet another depressing stemwinder on the American public. The only people in America getting overtime pay under this administration are his speechwriters and teleprompter operators.

We’re told that Obama will propose among other ‘solutions,’ and this is apparently not a joke, a “cash for caulkers” program featuring federal money for people to weatherize and ‘green’ their homes. Also on tap are increased federal spending for infrastructure, federal funds transfers so local governments can keep adding public workers, and federal money to extend unemployment benefits until 2080.

'Joe said that if I gave another speech, that would help create some jobs!'

The Keyster has come to a conclusion, and it’s a little tough, so please hear me out. But there are just two options we can reach based on BHO’s performance as President. Either Barack Obama is not as bright as advertised, or he is willfully trying to destroy America.

We can have various ratios of the two, say 80% of the latter and 20% of the former. However, the conclusion is inescapable based on his policies. Consider just these two situations:

— As unemployment has soared in spite of (more likely because of) the “stimulus” bill, Obama has made his top two priorities destroying healthcare and ramming through a national energy tax. Both will mean crushing taxes, growing federal deficits, more onerous regulations and more offshore competition for U.S. businesses. No wonder companies are shedding workers as fast as you can say “pink slip.”
— BHO takes 92 days to decide on a recommendation from his generals about the war in Afghanistan. In the same sentence that he agrees to 75% of their recommendations, he announces that he will begin pulling troops out in 18 months. Might as well invite the Taliban to sit in on the Joint Chiefs meeting, Barack!

I guess it was too much to ask of a man who’s sole qualification, other than getting a couple of Ivy degrees, is “ability to read from a teleprompter.” If you or I put that on our application to be a barista down at the local Starbucks, it would be a long wait for a call-back.

The sad thing is that Obama could turn things around instantly if he wanted. Imagine the response from business and the stock market if he announced next week that, instead of more federal borrowing and spending, he’d veto any ‘climate’ and healthcare bills that hit his desk. Going further, suppose he proposed a reduction of the federal business tax from 36% to 20% until at least 2012 and threw his weight behind keeping the Bush tax rates in place. The economy would begin its rebound within hours.

Instead, it’ll be more of the same. Under our Dear Leader, every problem can only be solved by yet another government program. Hey, I hear that Starbucks has an opening!

Obama tries to build his commander-in-chief credentials: But speech is less General Patton than Jimmy Carter

December 2, 2009

President Obama packed the teleprompter and headed to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point last night. The purpose, other than to send 4,000 of America’s finest young men and women into a deep sleep, was to burnish his credentials as Commander in Chief of the United States. Following his series of Bow and Apologize World Tours, BHO needed to show the “global community” that he’s one tough hombre.

'The bad guys better be afraid of me, at least until 2011'

But in a rambling, defensive speech, Obama proved that he’s just not comfortable as the leader of the most powerful military force the world has ever known. In fact, compared to nationalizing health care or destroying the economy in the name of global warming, our Dear Leader would like this whole business of fighting Islamic terrorism to just go away.

As he left his ‘prompter to tepid applause from the Cadets and other military leaders, it is clear that Obama is far less the Terminator than he is Mr. Whipple. Here’s the Keyster’s summary of what BHO said last night:
— al Qaeda is the biggest threat to the civilized world, as proven by its murderous attack on the U.S. in 2001
— Therefore, I’m announcing to these savages that all they have to do is lie low for 18 months, after which we’ll return Afghanistan to them
— Actually, fighting Islamic terrorism is not nearly as important as pork-filled “stimulus” bills, raising taxes, ruining the U.S. healthcare system and getting a good tee time

'Taliban fighters react to President Obama's West Point speech'

The response from the West Point audience spoke volumes about how this President is viewed by the people who volunteer to give up their lives to keep us safe. You could see the skepticism in their eyes as they watched the former community organizer tell our enemies: “Hey, just act like a goat herder until 2011 and then you can have this hellish wasteland back as a huge training camp.”

This latest Big Speech by BHO was harder to follow than Tiger Woods backing his Escalade out of the driveway, and nearly as mystifying. It may be time to call in the White House physician to test our President for ADHD.

The Keyster was unable to find coherence in these contradictory points he made at West Point:
— The world is safer than it was under Bush because I’ve “reset” relationships by showing I can be pushed around by everyone from Putin to Pelosi
— I’ve been so successful in reaching out to the Muslim world that Iran is building 10 more nuclear facilities
— The Taliban is a really nasty group of dudes but they’ll change their ways because I’m asking them to “with sugar on top”
— The only spending I ever worry about is that which supports our military
— I can give a 40-minute speech on war and never once mention the word “victory”
— Every dollar that goes to the troops is a dollar less for ACORN
— I have steely resolve, just ask Joe Biden

The bottom line is that after three months of indecision, Obama agreed to 75% of what his hand-picked war leader said was needed to ensure success. Then he totally countermanded this by setting a deadline that guarantees the Taliban and al Qaeda fighters will hide their weapons until the coast is clear. When we needed Gen. Patton, we got Jimmy Carter.