Archive for January, 2010

Is it over yet? Barry’s SOTU speech sends millions into stupor… the Keyster bails out early

January 28, 2010

The Keyster seriously intended to watch all of last night’s State of the Union address. After all, the incisive political analysis that readers of this column have come to expect requires that I tap primary sources whenever possible. With Barack Obama giving televised speeches or interviews several times daily during his first year in office, it’s not too tough to listen to the dude without any filtering.

But last night, I failed to make it past 12 minutes. I stuck with the Prez when, just two minutes in, he blamed all the nation’s economic woes on Bush. I managed through his depressingly predictable “just imagine how bad it would have been without me!” posture. I suffered our Dear Leader’s looking down his nose at America (why can’t he lower the Teleprompter screens?). I even hung with him as he quickly went into his neo-populist, hate-the-bankers mode.

Nose to the sky, BHO receives his adulation

Alas, after 11 agonizing minutes, I gave in and hit the “last channel” button on the remote. In an instant, Serena Williams at the Australian Open replaced the commander-in-chief. I know I missed a lot of great stuff such as Barry bashing the Supreme Court for daring to uphold the First Amendment, and speaking for 70 minutes about his hideous first year without once acknowledging that he had anything to do with the mess he’s created.

No, I was done in by the truly frightening visages of Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden framing Obama like gargoyles guarding Notre Dame Cathedral. I can absorb a lot of pain, but there was no way I could handle looking at the amazing wrinkle-free mugs of Joe and Nancy for another second.

Biden seemed to be on some sort of chemical… maybe he drank too many 5 Hour Energy Drinks knowing how long Obama planned to speak? His supernaturally white teeth frequently breaking out in a Cheshire cat grin, Joe’s job last night obviously was head cheerleader. He popped up so often it looked like a colony of fire ants had infected his chair.

'I'd like to thank Joe for his standing ovations and Nancy for her sunny smiles!'

Nancy, meanwhile, had clearly been dosed with all of the botox in the District of Columbia prior to the speech. Her smile was so frozen on her face it looked like it was borrowed from Mr. Potato Head. I don’t mean to be harsh, Nancy, but you need to give up trying to look like a teenager. I know you get “Cadillac” healthcare courtesy of the taxpayers, but maybe you could ease off on the injections and plastic surgery. There’s nothing wrong with looking like you’re in your 30s or even 40s.

So the Keyster will leave it to the pundits to analyze BHO’s first SOTU address. Oh…Serena gutted out a win over Li Na of China in two tie-break sets. Americans are still looking for their President to deliver his first win for someone other than government workers.

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Barack’s upcoming State of the Union: ‘Hey, how about some more government programs!’

January 25, 2010

With his grandiose ambitions such as nationalizing health care and the federal energy tax lying in ruins, President Obama will offer more modest government initiatives during his state of the union speech this Wednesday. BHO obviously is frustrated at only being able to run up a record $1.7 trillion deficit during his first 12 months.

Remember last August when Barry, Harry & Nancy tried to ram through “health care” reform? Add in the “cap and tax” scheme that cratered at Copenhagen and, shoot, we easily could have added $3 trillion to the deficit if those darn voters hadn’t gotten so worked up over things like unemployment. So it’s understandable why Obama is feeling a little down at the moment.

'Being President is great, I get to golf as much as I want and the media never mentions it!'

And when Obama gets depressed, nothing is more soothing than setting up his treasured Teleprompter and addressing the nation… especially when he can can propose new taxes, attack big business, blame his woes on Bush, and use more personal pronouns than the National Narcissism Convention. So this state of the union address should be a real hoot.

Consider these stats from his first year of office that Barack’s got to work with:
— Unemployment rose from 7% to 10%
— He took 26 vacation days
— He used his ‘prompter 178 times in public
— The federal deficit rose from $10.6 trillion to $12.3 trillion
— He blamed it all on Bush 716,422 times
— Photo ops in Michelle’s vegetable garden, 119

'I've met so many nice people during the last year, Hugo is a load of laughs!'

And that’s just the domestic list. Add in his foreign affairs accomplishments such as, well, er… maybe he should just focus on the domestic agenda. After all, when you’ve spent the last year apologizing for America on every continent… okay, I’m exaggerating, he hasn’t visited Antarctica yet… it’s probably best not to remind the voters of the Obama Doctrine (motto: “Peace through Appeasement”).

It’s been amusing to see the Prez discover his inner populist after the humiliating defeat of his candidate in Massachusetts. David Axelrod must have a poll showing that by attacking banks and “fat cats,” most of whom are major supporters of the Democrat party by the way, Barack can regain his footing. The Keyster wouldn’t count on it.

The fact remains that this most polarizing President in American history refuses to accept responsibility for anything, let alone that his policies have been a disaster for this nation. He still fully intends to have the federal government take over more and more of our lives. He’s just going to try to do it in smaller bites.

Massachusetts to BHO: ‘Uh, not so fast Barry, Harry & Nancy’

January 20, 2010

Napoleon had his Waterloo, Nixon had Watergate, and Bill Clinton had Monica. History will mark the demise of the Obama administration as January 19, 2010, when a pickup-driving Massachusetts state senator named Scott Brown stopped Barry, Harry & Nancy dead in their tracks.

'Everything going really well, the people love me and my policies!'

It’s impossible to overstate what just occurred: voters in the most liberal of liberal states, the same voters who continually reelected Ted Kennedy of Chappaquiddick shame and continue to foist Barney Frank on the rest of us, overwhelmingly repudiated the Dems in a referendum on their march to socialism.

Obama carved the tomb for his own ambitions on Sunday by personally trying to rally the Bay State faithful for the feeble Democrat candidate, Martha Coakley. His attempt to recreate the magic that fooled so many Americans went over like Metallica performing at an Amish picnic.

'Just vote for Martha and I'll be able to nationize the rest of the economy!'

Voters delivered yet another humiliating defeat for BHO to add to his growing collection of dismal failures… to get the Olympics for Chicago, to secure a “global-warming” agreement, and to drag his gubernatorial candidates to victory in New Jersey and Virginia. Obama might be able to get himself elected; to everyone else he’s the political version of hemlock.

Memo to Democrat candidates: if Obama offers to campaign for you, start writing the concession speech.

It might be time to gloat, especially given the delicious irony of it all happening on the one-year anniversary of BHO’s coronation. But the fact is: Obama is like the guest that just won’t leave the party long after everyone else has gone. He’s not easily deterred.

The buzz coming out of the White House following Scott Brown’s victory is that it’s time to push even harder on the destruction of the best health care system in the world, in nationalizing more of the economy and on coddling terrorists.

Pelosi, unlike Harry Reid, is in no danger of losing her seat at the hands of her constituents. Obama’s Chicago cronies and the San Francisco granny right now are trying to figure out how to jam health care destruction through the House and Senate, despite overwhelming opposition from voters. Just watch press spokesman Bobby Gibbs blame the Massachusetts debacle on Bush, Coakley and, amazingly, on the fact that Congress hasn’t moved fast enough to approve wrecking our health care system.

Just another day in the life of the man formerly known as “No Drama” Obama.

BHO’s ‘To Do’ List: Pay off unions, bash capitalism, propose new taxes, excuse blatant rascism… ‘whew, I barely have time for golf!’

January 16, 2010

It’s been another remarkable week in the crumbling presidency of Barack Hussein Obama. Things have gotten so bad that recent polls show the American people would approve a straight-up trade of Obama for North Korea’s psycho dictator Kim Jong Il (although by a 55-45 margin, Americans prefer Barack’s “mom” jeans over Kim’s polyester disco suit).

'Sure, Harry's a little dim, but a Democrat can't be racist!'

The President began his week-to-remember by assuring the nation that Harry Reid is not a racist. In the surreal world of Obama, Reid’s comments about Barry being a “light-skinned Negro” who can turn the ghetto talk on and off at will were actually compliments. As long as Harry is willing to sell the nation into third-world status by facilitating the destruction of its healthcare system, Obama wouldn’t care if Reid burned a cross in the front yard of the White House. Just don’t singe Michelle’s vegetables, Harry!

Then we had the spectacle of our President making an angry and bitter attack on the nation’s banks for, well, making money. No sir, we won’t stand for that in America.

'We need new taxes on banks because profits are un-American'

BHO’s solution, no surprise, is to propose a new banking tax for the sole purpose of punishment. It’s not important that every major bank has paid off its government loans, plus interest. Obama and Congressional Democrats want banks to operate as adjuncts of the federal government, blithely handing out taxpayer money to favored constituents such as ACORN and unions. What’s next, naming Hugo Chavez head of the Federal Reserve Bank?

Meanwhile, the White House orchestrated yet more covert deals in the looming national disaster that is “healthcare reform.” It seems BHO’s buds in the AFL-CIO and SEIU didn’t appreciate their generous benefits programs being set for taxation. Hey, no problem, we’ll carve out a special deal for your members and let the non-unionized people foot the bill. Even “Bribe Me” Ben Nelson, so humiliated at being bought off, has offered to return his 30 pieces of silver.

Has there ever been a politician who shredded campaign promises so lightly? No tax increase for those making under $250,000 a year. Post all bills on-line for at least 72 hours before they are voted on. Healthcare negotiations on C-Span. No lobbyists in his administration. Cut the federal deficit in half. Keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons. End earmarks.

'The next reporter asking about President Obama's broken promises can expect a call from the IRS, capice?'

It’s gotten so bad that even unswervingly loyal news media supporters like the NY Times and Washington Post are starting to push back, ever so slightly. Swarmy press spokesman Bobby Gibbs is truly offended that reporters dare to question why Dear Leader has this unpleasant problem with the truth. BHO, natch, has refused to take any questions himself except from the likes of Oprah and The Food Network since July.

Finally, we had the President’s response to the earthquake in Haiti. The Keyster agrees with the urgent U.S. mobilization to deal with the horror there. But wouldn’t it be nice to see our President that passionate about, oh, fighting terrorism and getting the unemployment rate down to where it was under Presidents Bush and Clinton. After Barack leaves office in January 2013, he should consider becoming head of the Red Cross.

DNC TV: New liberal network unveils lineup of programs for 2010

January 9, 2010

With unemployment shockingly high, terrorists running amok, taxes and deficits soaring, and our President focused on his golf game, Democrats have announced the launch of a new television network. DNC-TV will begin broadcasting later this year with funding support from major Democrat donors including the New York Times, CBS, NBC the Washington Post, and the AP.

Janet 'The System Worked' Napolitano: I hope my new DNC TV show doesn't bomb!'

Each taxpayer also will become a contributor, thanks to a provision being inserted into the “Heath Care Destruction Act of 2010” that will impose a special $200 tax to support DNC-TV. The “most transparent” administration in history secretly stuck in the new tax during the House-Senate negotiations taking place at an underground bunker in an undisclosed location somewhere in North America.

Democrat National Committee Television is a concept whose time has come,” said Hollywood A-lister Sean Penn, who is in charge of communications for the nascent network.

“With the country suffering from the effects of Bush-Cheney-Halliburton, the people need a 24-hour network for progressive entertainment and enlightenment. Until our Glorious Leader Barack Hussein Obama can finally shut down talk radio and the internet, DNC-TV will be your source for truth. I’m pleased to announce that President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is consulting with us on how to silence counter-revolutionary opposition.”

DNC TV cameras go deep into the bunkers to cover the unvarnished health care negotiations between our lovable stars, Harry and Nancy

Al “Greenie with a Gulfstream” Gore, one of the prime movers of DNC-TV, explained that because Democrats already control all of the country’s news outlets with the exception of Fox News, the network will focus on comedy, drama and reality shows. Gore announced just a few of the exciting programs that will air on DNC TV this coming season.

Dancin’ with the Czars
: This 16-week competition pairs Obama’s appointed “czars” with professional dance instructors in a frolicking competition. You’ll delight to salary czar Kenneth Feinberg doing the foxtrot and safe-school czar Kevin Jennings kicking out the jams with his quick-step as all 32 appointed czars join in the zany fun.


Name that Party
: As Democrat after Democrat is charged with corruption, indicted or sent to prison, the U.S. news media continues its pattern of only reporting party affiliation when the politician is a Republican. Disgraced politicians such as former Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon and Congressman William Jefferson, clad in prison jumpsuits, will star on Name that Party as audience members guess whether they are Democrats or Republicans.

Holed Up
: On this stunning new reality show, DNC TV cameras go behind the scenes as Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi secretly cut deals and bribe their colleagues with taxpayer money on the health care bill. You’ll be captivated by the sight of Ben Nelson selling out, Mary Landrieu completing her “Louisiana Purchase” and Senator Bill Nelson of Florida cackling as he transfers funds for seniors to illegal immigrants. Rated MA for adult language and close-ups of Nancy Pelosi.

Survivor — Airline Passenger
: In this spin-off of the popular CBS series, Janet “The System Worked” Napolitano waves terrorists toting a range of bombs and weapons onto airliners. Passengers, who all have been subjected to hours of humiliating full-cavity body searches, then vote the terrorists off the plane one-by-one, hopefully before one can detonate his suicide bomb. Fun for the whole family!