Archive for February, 2010

Tiger to Barack: “Hey, you can even use my blue curtain!”

February 22, 2010

The world seemingly came to a halt at 11 a.m. last Friday. That’s when Tiger Woods walked awkwardly toward a podium placed in front of a royal blue curtain and stiffly read a remarkable confession about his serial philandering.

'Tiger gave me some great tips, especially about how to choke up at just the right time!'

The meticulously orchestrated event — no reporters, each attendee hand-selected for optics, every word vetted and re-vetted by his coterie of handlers, perfectly timed hug with mom — was designed to restore Tiger’s image. With Tiger’s poll numbers nearly as low as President Obama’s, the two sullied celebrities held secret discussions this this past weekend as the President sought counsel from the golfer.

The Siesta Keyster today is breaking the news that following the Eldrick-Barry talks, Obama has decided to apologize to the nation for for his rampant infidelity… not to Michelle, but to the ideals that made the United States great. A source close to both parties has told the Keyster that Obama will use the same room and even has hired the same speechwriter who penned Tiger’s famous tome.

While the date has not been set for the Obama confession, the Keyster has obtained an early draft of his remarks. Obama plans to invite every American who voted in the 2008 presidential elections, as well as all of the children now saddled with trillions of dollars in debt he has run up in just 13 months of wanton spending. Following are excerpts from that draft:

'In return for letting me use his curtain, Tiger can borrow my teleprompter for his next confession!'

“Good morning, and thanks for joining me. Many of you in this room were my friends, many of you voted for me and at one time supported me. Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in (note: bite lower lip, choke up briefly).

“I know people want to find out how I could be so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my nation and our children. And while I have always tried to give a speech every 90 minutes during my ruinous Presidency, there are still some things I want to say (note: try to tear up here).

“I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that George Bush somehow hurt or attacked me on Inauguration Day. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. George never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of political violence, ever. While George is responsible for the terrible unemployment rate, the global warming fraud, the soaring national debt and the fact that French fries are fatty, he deserved deserves praise, not blame.

(note: look directly at camera) “The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful to the Constitution. I broke every campaign promise I ever made. I bowed to every tinhorn dictator and thug. What I did is not acceptable, and George Bush is the only person to blame.

“I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is moderation and adherence to sound fiscal policies. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a conservative, and I actively practiced this from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years, no thanks to Rahm Emanuel, Nancy Pelosi, Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ahers. Conservatism teaches that a craving for taxing and spending causes an unhappy and pointless search for approval from the SEIU and the New York Times. Conservatism teaches me to stop following every impulse to regulate business into oblivion and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.

“Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day vote for me again.

“Thank you.” (note: walk over and hug Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh)

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Hey Al: Dr. Nobel wants his prize back

February 16, 2010

The global-warming hoax is in its final death throes. Phil Jones, suspended head of the Climatic Research Unit at East Anglia University that is responsible for much of the hysteria, has confessed that, yes, most of the “science” was fabricated.

'Sure Phil made up all this nonsense about global warming, but I still love the idea of a national energy tax'

In an interview this past weekend with the BBC, Jones admitted that:
— The earth’s temperature has not gone up at all in the last 15 years… so much for the famous hockey-stick graph
— There have been periods when the earth was much warmer than it is today.. centuries before Escalades and F-150s roamed the earth
— The earth has likely cooled since 2002
— He has “misplaced” much of the data upon which wild pronouncements were made and accepted by the dim-witted, especially politicians eager to control more of the world’s economy
— He still believes in anthropogenic global warming, as well as the tooth fairy, the lost continent of Atlantis, unicorns and that the moon is made of cheese (a hearty Stilton, well-veined)

In response, President Obama went on national television to apologize to the nation for his role in the global-warming scandal.

“I made an honest mistake in trying to destroy the U.S. economy in the name of fighting global warming. I accepted the word of Al ‘Polenta For Brains’ Gore that the only way to save the glaciers and polar bears was to make America a third-world nation. I’ve asked Phil Jones to join Joe and me for a beer summit and a private tour of Michelle’s vegetable garden,” the President read from his teleprompter. “As a result of this new information, I’m announcing a Cash-for-Hybrids program that will give people $5,000 if they turn in their Prius and buy a new Chevy Tahoe or Ford Expedition.”

'Fighting global warming has caused Al to add a little padding, so Michelle is sending him a zucchini from her garden!'

Of course, the above quotation is a total fabrication. The silence is complete from Obama, Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Kerry and the other yahoos who nearly succeeded in choking our economy with the national energy tax. Their allies in the mainstream media — such as NBC, The New York Times, USA Today and virtually all of the other members of the Official Obama Communications Grid — have given the scandal less coverage than Brownie Troop #37’s annual bake sale.

By contrast, the news media in the U.K. has reacted with outrage at being duped by Jones and his co-conspirators, and especially the gas-bag politicians that nearly pulled this off. Even reliably liberal papers have been running scathing editorials and sharp investigative pieces as they peel back the ever-expanding fraud that is global warming.

When coupled with the cooked books of the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate change, the entire premise of the alarmists is about as authentic as John Edwards professing undying love for his wife. The Keyster wonders when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will demand that Al return his Oscar.

Obama: ‘I just need time to make a few more speeches and then everyone will love what I’m trying to accomplish!’

February 11, 2010

Icy snow drifts sizable enough to ski on. 40 mpg winds screaming down from the north. Roads paralyzed under rock-hard layers of ice and chunky snow. Yes, it’s grim in the mid-Atlantic states up through southern New England.

'Don't worry, Harry and Nancy are secretly meeting on how to sneak through Obamacare despite the snow!'

But there is some good news and it’s worthy of celebration. The federal government is closed, has been for a few days. It may stay that way through the end of the week. And that means the Senate and House are not in session. The EPA and the Department of Education bureaucrats are not at their desks. Hundreds of thousands of federal employees are off the job.

In other words, the American people are enjoying a temporary vacation from hideous lawmaking, wanton bribery and iron-fisted regulation by unelected czars and in-house radicals…courtesy of the historic blizzards that are centered on Washington D.C. Deliciously, the storms even have delayed the opening of the new federal office of global warming, a backdoor way of accomplishing the “cap and trade” goals of taxing American businesses into third-world status.

Make no mistake: time is the enemy of Barry, Harry and Nancy. They know full well that each day more voters become aware of just what they are up to. With public support for their statist policies plunging, they are reduced to PR stunts and backroom shenanigans that would shame Fast Eddie down at the local “Buy-Here-Pay-Here Used Car Emporium.”

'The global warming office will open next week once we plow out the parking lot!'

But like a wounded wild animal backed into a corner, our President is lashing out in a desperate attempt at self-preservation. Obama glibly argues that people are actually mad at the “process” in Washington, not at his policies that have endangered the very existence of the country through reckless spending and central planning failures.

Barack tells us he just needs to give a few more “big” speeches about the need for a national energy tax, socialized health care and adding a few more trillion to the national debt. Oh, and don’t worry about Iran getting ready to nuke Israel, he’s talking with China about some tough sanctions, like maybe cutting off Ahmadinejad’s supply of gummy worms.

So as we shiver even as far south as Siesta Key, we are grateful for the storms that have brought the federal wheels to a grinding halt. And the reminder that man, despite all of his vanity, is not in charge here.

Audi Super Bowl Ad: Eerie harbinger of where this country is heading?

February 8, 2010

The most frightening minute of yesterday’s Super Bowl, beside wondering whether 64-year old Pete Townshend of The Who would shatter his arthritic wrist during guitar windmills, was the Audi ad. For those who were in the kitchen reloading the guacamole and missed it, please pause this commentary, watch it, and then rejoin us.

The commercial for the “clean” Audi diesel features scenes of armed and uniformed officers arresting people for minor environmental offenses. Ask for plastic bags in the grocery store? You’re heading to jail. Forget to recycle or compost? Jack-booted eco-police will crash into your home and haul you off. Drink your coffee from a foam cup? You could be shot.

The Keyster was certain that the ad was brilliantly crafted by the Republican Party to remind voters where the current administration is taking us. The “green” movement, at its most basic, is about the government telling people what it can and cannot do. And under the Obama regime and the Democrat Congress, the nanny state is growing at an alarming rate under the banner of environmentalism.

BHO: 'I got a lot of great ideas from the Audi ad!'

This President is constantly reminding us that we can’t drive SUVs, keep our homes pleasantly warm in the winter, or use incandescent light bulbs… not to mention that he has declared the very gasses we exhale with every breath to be highly toxic, and thus under the authority of bureaucrats in Washington. How long before the scenes in the ad become a reality throughout America?

So when the commercial was revealed as a promotion for a large and sporty auto, the Keyster was most surprised. In a broadcast larded with mostly tepid, gross, crass and lifeless ads, Audi’s Super Bowl piece was a stunner.

Here’s hoping that Audi continues this commercial in heavy rotation. It’s a prophetic look at where the relentless growth of government will lead. And unlike the car, it ain’t pretty.

AARP to Obama: ‘We love you!’

February 3, 2010

During this past year, by far the most surreal in modern political history, the performance of the AARP has been beyond weird. The non-profit organization, which the Keyster and most others presume stands for American Association of Retired Persons, has been, well, stridently fighting against seniors.

Was this the work of Rod Serling of Twilight Zone? Had Federico Fellini stuck around to film one final fantasy?

'AARP is a strong partner as together we work to wreck health care for all Americans, and especially the less productive'

AARP executives were among the first to back President Obama’s plans to nationalize the best health care system in the world… a process that the Prez proposes to largely finance by slashing health care for seniors. Even after it became clear that the Dems also planned federal panels to determine if people had enough use to society to qualify for medical care, AARP steadfastly stood with Harry’s and Nancy’s infamous “death panels” over seniors.

When the Keyster reached a certain age — I think it was about 35 — he began receiving direct-mail ads from AARP imploring him to join the organization. When Mrs. Keyster also reached the magic number, our AARP mailings doubled, some days a veritable phone book of pleas to buy memberships and sign up for various insurance programs. And just think of the discounts we could get on hotels, rentals cars and shuffleboard sticks!

As I put the AARP materials in the recycling bin, I naively imagined AARP to be a special-interest group that relentlessly lobbied for ever-growing pile of government hand-outs for seniors. So why would the American Association of Retired Persons join with Barry to destroy health care, especially as it would apply to older people?

And then it hit me like a final-lap bump draft from Jeff Gordon: I was completely wrong about the meaning of the AARP acronym. Using his experience as an investigative journalist, the Keyster went to work on this mystery.

'Yeah, I got the goods on this AARP outfit, you won't believe what it really means!'

I can now reveal the results of my research into the AARP… and the most likely true meanings of this organization that has deceived millions, and to this very day purports to speak for seniors:

American Association of Radical Progressives
: This explains why AARP gleefully backs anything the Dems throw out there, as long as it involves higher taxes, more government and less freedom.

Always Against Retired People: This name would be 100% accurate based on AARP’s position on health care “reform.”

And finally, An Avalanche of Recycled Postmail: Could this be the true meaning of AARP at last? An organization that exists simply to exploit bulk-mailing rates and make money off of printing?

Barry’s new budget: ‘Don’t worry about the record deficit, I’ll just blame it on the Republicans!’

February 1, 2010

Our President today unveiled his budget for fiscal 2011 and it’s a beauty — a record $1.6 trillion deficit, looming tax hikes and a Draconian list of new federal programs that will do nothing except grow the number of government workers. Just another day in the reign of Barack Obama.

'Tim tells me I can keep spending, he'll just print more money. Isn't Washington terrific?'

Yep, Obama proposes to spend $3.8 trillion knowing he’s got, at best, $2.2 trillion coming in. Can you imagine if you or the Keyster tried to run a business like that? “Yessir, we’re gonna sell $2,200 worth of alligator jerky this year and I’ll only spend $3,800 doin’ it!” It doesn’t require an MBA from the Harvard School of Business to know that this will turn out poorly.

After his State of the Union spectacle, where BHO postured as a fiscal conservative, the reality has hit the coffers… and soon our pocketbooks. But Obama and his Democrat colleagues assure us that all is well because there’s a “jobs” bill tucked inside that will assuredly cause every business owner to dust off the “Now Hiring” signs they put away after Bush left office.

And just how does Obama plan to create jobs after spending his first year doing everything possible to destroy them? We need look no further than the Keyster’s home state of Florida.

Barry showed up in Tampa late last week with Joe Biden in tow to announce that they wanted to spend $2 billion on… a new train! Anytime Barack hauls Joe along it’s a sign that he’s truly desperate (see: the offensive Beer Summit on Race Relations). The reason Biden came was because he’s an authority on rail transit, the Prez said. Joe takes the Amtrak from Delaware to the District so he must know how to make a buck in railroading.

'Joe's ridden Amtrak several times and not only had fun, the government reinbursed him for his ticket!'

Anyway, the $2 billion would be “seed money” for an 80-mile high-speed rail system connecting Tampa with Orlando. The entire project will cost tens of billions to build, and billions more each year in taxpayer subsidies for the simple reason that nobody will ride it.

No matter, Obama said, it’s actually about all the jobs — union jobs — that this will create.

To our President, the U.S. private sector, which is shrinking like a $3 suit left too long in the dryer, is a big nuisance. The only way to create jobs is to fund massive public works programs and add more government workers. Therefore, using our money to build something that nobody wants and that will suck up money in perpetuity is a splendid “jobs” program.

The idea is so ridiculous that even Governor Charlie Crist, who RINO-smooched the Prez a year ago, treated him like a leper during the Tampa press conference.

The irresponsibility of Obama and his lefty buds in Congress is breathtaking. While the Keyster is always appreciative of the great material, it’s not funny when you realize that our children and grandchildren will get stuck paying the bill for this mess.