Archive for March, 2010

Learning to love ObamaCare: Keyster’s tips for surviving socialized medicine

March 25, 2010

Like much of America, the Keyster was likely clinically depressed this week following the imposition of ObamaCare by Barry-Harry-and-Nancy. I wandered around the house in a dirty t-shirt and boxers, nervously drinking coffee and crunching stale donuts, unable to face the daylight.

I avoided newspapers, talk radio and television. Frankly, I was afraid of what my reaction would be if I happened to glimpse a picture of Nancy and Dear Leader at a signing ceremony flanked by the “victims” of capitalism they haul around as props.

As Americans try to come to grips with ObamaCare, the Keyster offers advice for life under socialism

But thanks to several electro-shock therapy sessions, the Keyster is starting to make peace with ObamaCare. Sure, this country is being flushed down the tubes by Obama and his Congressional lefties determined to ruin the most prosperous and free nation the world has ever known. Yes, our children and grandchildren face a future about as promising as that of their North Korean counterparts (although the news media in North Korea is much more believable that in the U.S.).

Americans must prepare for a coming world of hurt under ObamaCare

However, there is a lot to love about ObamaCare. So in the spirit of “bi-partisanship” and “bringing us together” that President Obama has fostered, following are the Keyster’s tips for making peace with ObamaCare:

Don’t ever get sick or injured. Once the federal government takes full control in 2014, you don’t even want to think about needing medical care… unless you need to reload your Bart Stupak Planned Parenthood Gift Card that we’ll all receive from the feds. For all diseases including pneumonia and cancer, treat at home with ibuprofen. For injury including compound fractures and impalements, apply a Band Aid and drink lots of chicken broth.

Plan ahead. It’ll take an estimated 22 months to get an appointment for your annual Nancy Pelosi Wellness Check-Up, a thorough 45-second exam by a Class 4 Junior Physician’s Assistant trained by ACORN. So you’ll want to start calling now for your exam in 2013.

If you want decent medical care, get elected to Congress. The only people exempt from ObamaCare in the future will be those who “serve” in Congress or belong to the SEIU. You will want to establish your Political Action Committee as soon as possible. Start printing your “(Insert your name here) For Congress in 2012: I Hate America As Much as They Do!” bumper stickers.

Move. Yes, the United States under the Dems is on its way to joining Myanmar, Cuba, Venezuela, the People’s Republic of China and North Korea. However, Australia, New Zealand, Poland and the Czech Republic all are moving to fill the freedom void left by the United States. If you can swing it, emigrate now before the full impact of Obama’s rampant deficits are realized, resulting in a U.S. dollar that will only be suitable for wallpaper and other decorative uses.


Enjoying the ride down as ObamaCare becomes law of the land: ‘There’s a lot to like in being mediocre!’

March 20, 2010

The Keyster has little doubt that Barry-Harry-and-Nancy will cram through ObamaCare this weekend. Their shameless bribes, threats and backroom deals with our money will convince enough Dems that destroying the best health care system in the world is preferable to having Nancy Pelosi screeching at you.

'Sure, we're going to be a third-rate nation, but you'll get free check ups every five years!'

After all, a huge number of libs are going to be tossed out by the voters this November, so who would you rather face: angry constituents or the frozen face of Nancy every day for the rest of your political career?

And so President Obama will have his fondest wish: the framework for socialized medicine will be in place and all but impossible to overturn. Dear Leader will have achieved his goal of turning the U.S. into a mid-major, to borrow a term from NCAA basketball. From Duke to the University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff with one stroke of the pen!

Yes, Barack still will have work to do to complete the job — the national energy tax, a VAT, turning 30 million illegal immigrants into Democrat voters, creating ever more federal agencies to regulate more and more of our lives, ‘greening’ the economy to name a few. But health care is the big enchilada, the queso grande, the hope-and-change that takes us from the top to the middle.

'You might have to wait a few years to see a doctor, but my legacy will be assured!'

This is why Barry is ignoring the Constitution and the 70 percent of Americans who hate ObamaCare to sneak through this monstrosity through Congress. Because once you socialize medicine, not only do you get control of another 20% of the economy, you have every single American relying on the federal government for a day-to-day necessity. Game over: the U.S. will slide down and join other former world leaders such as France, the U.K. and Spain who chose mediocrity over prosperity, government control over freedom.

Sure, the inevitable result will be sharply diminished medical care for Americans, higher unemployment, higher taxes, federal funding for abortion and a soaring national debt that will make Greece look like a model of fiscal restraint. But hey, Barack Obama will have sealed his legacy as, well, the Hugo Chavez of the U.S.!

The winners in this national disgrace, in addition to Barry-Harry-Nancy: the SEIU and the Chinese, who are now assured of world leadership. The losers: 310 million Americans (and every future generation) whose standard of living will inexorably decline.

Who’s the biggest leftist-loonie in Hollywood? Tom, Sean and Rosie vying for the trophy

March 14, 2010

It’s been a remarkable week for inanity coming out of our nation’s entertainment capital. Tom Hanks, Sean Penn and Rosie O’Donnell all made statements that rank among the most outrageous since the glory days when Barbra Streisand Susan Sarandon regularly bummed the nation out with their rants.

What is it about being a “star” that requires a person to embrace dictators, condemn essential American values and espouse paranoid conspiracy theories? Is there something in the Dom Pérignon in California that causes the elite in Hollywood to lose it so dramatically? So let’s break down the lunacy from Tom, Sean and Rosie and see who’s most unhinged.

'My momma told me that life is like a box of chocolates, and that America is a racist nation'

Tom Hanks is a great actor; one of the finest of our time. His performances in Apollo 13, Saving Private Ryan and Forrest Gump were exceptional. But what has happened to the man who once portrayed astronaut Jim Lovell as an American hero?

In an interview with Time magazine (Keyster’s note: is there a more irrelevant publication than Time?) to promote his new WWII series, Hanks tried his best to rewrite history. And what do you know, according to good ‘ole Tom, America went to war against Japan because, well, we’re all racist pigs. Here’s history according to Tom:

“Back in World War II, we viewed the Japanese as ‘yellow, slant-eyed dogs’ that believed in different gods. They were out to kill us because our way of living was different. We, in turn, wanted to annihilate them because they were different. Does that sound familiar, by any chance, to what’s going on today?”

Yes sir, the fact that Japan sneak-attacked us at Pearl Harbor and earlier slaughtered millions of fellow Asians in China and the Philippines had nothing to do with it. Tom, come back to us. We beg you.

'Like, Hugo is this mellow dude, you know, just wants help his people, man'

Not to be outdone was Sean Penn, our most reliable leftist Hollywood nut-job. Penn not only continues to defend Venezuelan thug Hugo Chavez, he went on the attack against the multitude of Chavez critics: “There should be a bar for which one goes to prison for these kinds of biases,” Penn intoned.

Yep, jail your opponents. Which is just what Chavez does, while silencing any media that dares to questions his takeover of private business or striking deals with Iranian Jew-haters. The difference is that Penn would like to extend the courtesy to the U.S. as well as Venezuela. Oh, and let’s don’t forget Penn’s comforting wish that those who question the motives for his charitable work should “die screaming of rectal cancer.”

And then we have Rosie O’Donnell. One of the leading, but hardly the only “truther” at work in Hollywood, O’Donnell continues to blame 9/11 on George Bush and the Jews or something. On her eponymous radio show (has anyone ever listened to it?), Rosie intoned about 9/11:

“And there was a whole lot of meetings where people said there needed to be a Pearl Harbor-like incident to rally the support of the Americans. Those are facts you can look up.” In the world according to Rosie, Bush and Cheney ordered the death of 3,000 innocent Americans and a collapse of the financial markets so we could go to war in the Middle East.

But there is some good news: the new anti-American Matt Damon movie The Green Zone, flopped big time this weekend.

And the Oscar for ‘Best Performance by an incompetent President with a Teleprompter’ goes to…

March 8, 2010

Is there anything more painful, short of dental surgery or a Nancy Pelosi press conference, than the Oscars telecast? For years, the Keyster has assiduously avoided viewing even a single minute of the Oscars. But last night, ensconced in a mid-town Manhattan hotel and too exhausted to resist, the Keyster endured a full hour of the Oscars.

The entire premise of the Oscars — the movie industry capping months of breathless publicity by handing out awards to itself and then foisting the ponderous program on the public — is eerily similar to Washington under the reign of Obama. Stick with me here.

'I'd like to thank George Soros, Rahm and all my friends at ACORN for making this award possible'

What’s Obama’s favorite subject? Barack Hussein Obama, the master of the personal pronoun. What’s Hollywood’s favorite subject? Hollywood.

Who has made at least one “big speech” on health care every day for the past 14 months as president? BHO. Who cranks out hundreds of unwatchable, morally bankrupt films every year? Hollywood. (Okay, it does occasionally redeem itself with a Blind Side, just as our Prez has a fine family).

With his polls numbers going downhill faster than Bode Miller, who steadfastly refuses to concede that his policies might be at fault? Our Dear Leader. Who is constantly lecturing us about how stupid we are and how evil the U.S. is? Hollywood.

So what’s the solution? If you’re President Obama, you blame the public for being too ignorant to “get it” and stage another presser with his Rent-A-Docs on the White House lawn. If you’re Hollywood, you make yet another tedious film about how pristine the planet was before truculent Europeans arrived and trashed the whole place in the name of progress.

'Once they know what's in my healthcare bill, people are going to love it!'

And finally, there was the weird “tribute” the Oscars made last night to horror films. Clips from dozens of movies from the past showed crazed killers ready to plunge a knife, ax or chain saw into the innocent. How can we avoid the comparison to Obamacare? Chuckie and Jason are Care Bears compared to the thought of 120 new federal agencies telling our doctors what they can and cannot do.

If you want to see an awards show with talent, entertainment and American values (mostly), hold on until the Country Music Association awards later this year. If you want to rid the country of the horror of a government expanding faster than The Blob, be sure to vote in November.