Archive for April, 2010

Charlie Crist: ‘Hey, I’m behaving like Nancy Pelosi with a spray-on tan and a bottle of Captain Morgan because it’s for the people!’

April 23, 2010

Facts:
a) Charlie Crist is the governor of Florida
b) Charlie Crist wants to be a U.S. Senator
c) Charlie Crist will do and say whatever it takes to achieve fact b

If you’re one of the Keyster’s loyal readers who resides outside Florida, this tale is about Charlie Crist. Just over a year ago, Charlie was a lead-pipe cinch to be the next U.S. Senator from Florida after Mel Martinez resigned his office for reasons still unknown. Today, Charlie trails Marco Rubio by, oh, 60 points or so in the run-up to the Republican primary on August 24.

Barack: 'I want all Floridians to vote for Charlie so together we can make the federal government even bigger!'

It seems Chuckie has a big problem with Republican voters. It all started with his hearty endorsement of the federal free-for-all known as the $870 billion “stimulus” bill, followed by his gooey RINO man-hug with President Obama. It must have seemed like a good idea to Charlie at the time; after all, there were people other than Code Pink, Hugo Chavez and Bill Ayers still supporting our Dear Leader then.

So with Rubio crushing Charlie in the polls, what does Charlie do to save his political skin? The logical step would be to wait until 2012 and run against Democrat Bill Nelson, aka, Mr. Mediocre.

Nope, the man formerly known as Chaingang Charlie now is going to run for U.S. Senator as an independent. Although Charlie hasn’t made it official yet, the outcome is as predictable as whether Timmy will perish before Lassie rescues him.

'I only reason I've backtracked on everything I said I believed in is for the people'

The reason, according to Chuck, is “for the people.” Whenever you hear a politician say that, the translation is: “It’s for my self-preservation.” After all, the retirement benefits are much better as a federal politician than a former Florida governor.

So we had the spectacle of our newly minted independent governor vetoing a bill that would have started Florida on real education reform by reducing the power of the teachers unions. The reason: “it’s for the people.” Translation: “I know the unions and their campaign funds will be mine if I stick it to the students!”

Charlie is now unleashed as the lib he has always secretly yearned to be, earning the adulation of the state’s newspapers and even the national mainstream (lamestream) media. He’s busy picking fights with every Republican in Tallahassee to burnish his credentials a sycophant for Barack. Should he bumble his way to Washington, Crist will be a reliable vote for cap-and-tax, the VAT and every other left-wing dream.

Marco Rubio: young, smart and ready to resist the socialist onslaught

Marco Rubio is the real deal conservative and seems unfazed by all of Charlie’s sophistry. In a three-way race with sacrificial Democrat Kendrick Meek, it will be close. Every Floridian who wants a Constitutionally minded, small government Senator needs to get behind Marco.

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Barack to America: ‘Hey, you owe me a lot of gratitude for the great job I’m doing!’

April 19, 2010

Let’s see. Unemployment is nearly 10%, the highest in 26 years. Four million jobs have evaporated since January 2009. The national debt is a sobering $12.9 trillion, up $2.2 trillion in just 15 months. Iran is months away from building its first nuke and the U.S. strategy for stopping these lunatics is to blame Israel for the troubles in the Middle East. Dictators and thugs — from Hugo Chavez to Kim Jong II to Hafiz al-Assad — openly thumb their noses at the U.S., knowing they are safe to subvert freedom anywhere they desire.

So what does our Dear Leader say to Americans? “I think they should be saying thank you.”

'Let's all give me a big round of applause!'

Yes, at a fundraiser last week, our President announced that those who are dissatisfied with his regime (up to 60% of the country, according to the latest polls) should just shut up and pay him fealty. So in the spirit of being a loyal subject, the Keyster would like thank President Barack Hussein Obama for the following things:

Uniting the country: After his convincing election in November 2009, the man who promised to unify the country has done so in a way he really didn’t anticipate. People are increasing unified against this imperial man and his cohorts in Congress who daily seek to grow government. 51% of the country now says it is a bad idea for government to exert more control over the economy, up from 37% just a year ago. Just 25% of the country has a favorable view of Congress. Obama’s poll numbers have done down faster than the market values of the car companies he’s bought.

'I applaud my good friend Presidente Obama for modeling his economy on the Cuban success!'

Exposing the mainstream media once and for all as a gentle lapdog of liberalism: Despite being the least transparent and accessible President of modern times, the fading mainstream media continues to cheer-lead his every move. From having dozens of Marxists and other radicals running free in the West Wing, to breaking every campaign promise he ever made, to having each major program fail spectacularly (starting with the ‘stimulus’ debacle, through ‘cash for clunkers’ to the slimy politics in jamming the healthcare bill), the media has given this guy a pass. There may be a couple of people left in this country who think the NY Times, NBC, Washington Post and CNN are ‘objective,’ but they all work for National Public Radio.

AlfonZo Rachel

Made it cool to be conservative
: Yep, after taking the youth vote by a 2-1 margin, Obama has not only spawned a huge new anti-tax movement in the tea parties, he has sparked a conservative resurgence among young people. After watching Barack blow their future on his socialist utopia, teeing them up for serious tax increases when the healthcare bill gets ramped up, an entire generation has come to appreciate freedom. Young conservatives have emerged who are not afraid to mix it up with the libs. Andrew Breitbart, Jason Mattera, AlfonZo Rachel, James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles have joined other conservative firebrands like Ann Coulter, Mark Steyn, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. The result? Young people don’t have to kowtow to the orthodoxy of most of their teachers and professors.

And finally, President Obama, I’m grateful to you for supplying the Keyster with a never-ending source of great material!

Happy Tax Day… now get ready to fork over the rest of your paycheck

April 15, 2010

From the worldview of the statists now running this country, April 15 is as joyous as Christmas, Rosh Hashanah and a birthday all wrapped into one glorious celebration. On this day, the few Americans that still have jobs, and make enough money to even pay taxes, must feed the beast that is the federal government.

'April 15th is my favorite holiday!'

No matter whether you wrote a check to the IRS today or you’re in line for a refund of your own money, you’d better enjoy April 15, 2010. Because the brutal truth is that your taxes are going up next year and, to quote Buzz Lightyear, “to infinity and beyond.”

“But what a minute Keyster,” you may be thinking. “Our Dear Leader campaigned on a pledge that if I wasn’t some greedy rich guy making over $250,000, my taxes ‘wouldn’t go up a dime.’ In fact, he said it so often I thought it was a Hare Krishna chant.”

Here’s the nastiness behind the spending orgy Barack, Barney, Nancy, Harry, Max and the Dems have engaged in the last 15 months: even if Barack taxed every productive person (known to Democrats as the rich) at 100% of their income (something he’s no doubt considering), it wouldn’t be enough to pay for the obscene excesses and new entitlements.

In addition to allowing the Bush tax cuts to expire at the end of this year — resulting in higher taxes for many income earners — Obamacare is packed with so many new taxes that even Hugo Chavez wants Barack to go slower on his march to socialism. After all, Hugo doesn’t want to lose his Guinness Book of World Records title as “Fastest Destroyer of a Capitalist Economy.”

Nancy to Barack: 'Can you believe they bought that line about no new taxes on the middle class!'

Out of the nearly 25 new taxes Obama has signed into law in Obamacare and other bills, at least 10 will nail middle income people. The new tax tally over the next 10 years will top $1 trillion, and this is the most most optimistic projection from that noted right-wing organization, ABC News. The actual figure will be much, much higher as the horrific impact of federally run healthcare plays out in 2014 and beyond.

And these clowns are just getting warmed up. They are going to get the national energy tax through the backdoor of the EPA rather than Congress. The “death tax” will be back with a vengeance in 2011, so if you want to leave a few things to the kiddies, you’ll want to croak before the clock strikes midnight on December 31 of this year.

But their fondest dream is a European-style value-added tax. Slapping a 20% tax at every step of production would ensure that America assumes parity with the the PIGS (Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain) of Europe: where capitalism is permitted only to provide funding for social programs and generous pensions for government workers.

You will want to vote in November if there is any hope of derailing this train.

Keyster hacked? Photo mysteriously disappears from post below

April 11, 2010

The Keyster is currently away on an investigative assignment. This morning, I checked the site and what do you know: a highly uncomplimentary photo of President Obama was somehow removed from the site.

Has the Keyster drawn the attention of fanatical lefty nutroots who hacked in and removed the offending image? We’ll never know.

I also have no way of discerning when the crime occurred, so the Keyster apologizes if the photo’s cutline floating in space was confusing. A nice portrait of our Dear Leader and Mahmoud has been reinserted for your viewing pleasure.

Obama to the world: ‘Now that I’ve fixed all the problems in America, I’ll make the world safe for dictators and nuclear-armed lunatics!’

April 8, 2010

This is a bad time to be an ally of the United States. Fresh off cramming socialized medicine down the throats of his outraged subjects, President Obama has opened another front, this one outside of our borders. Unfortunately, it’s not against Iran, Venezuela, North Korea or other sworn enemy of the U.S.

'Mahmoud is so pleased with my unilateral disarmament policy, he's agreed to build only 3,500 new nuclear centrifuges!'

Nope, our Dear Leader in the past couple of weeks has dedicated himself to fracturing the relationships with those nations that stand with us against the forces of tyranny and oppression. Let’s start with the unilateral disarmament of our nation.

BHO proudly announced to the Kim Jung-Ils and Ahmadinejads of the world that they don’t need to worry about our nuclear arsenal. Even if they attack us with biological and chemical weapons, we’d never use the nukes in retaliation.

It’s sort of like a lone police officer charged with protecting an entire city walking into a bar filled with drunken, armed thugs and shouting: “Don’t worry, as long as you don’t use your guns, I won’t use mine. Heck, you can attack me with knives, lead-pipes and whiskey bottles if you want!”

The Obama Doctrine of “Peace through Appeasement” is surely going to be tested before Obama leaves office in January 2013. And when it comes, don’t be surprised to find the U.S. lonelier than Bart Stupak at the Catholics for Life Convention.

Together with his Secretary of State, Hillary “Neville” Clinton, Obama has managed to alienate virtually every ally we once had. But don’t worry: he’s still working with our BFFs the Russians and Chinese Communists on a potential resolution asking Iran to please not nuke Israel and Los Angeles. If they do, we’d be forced to have Robert Gibbs condemn Fox News.

Obama’s and Clinton’s favorite punching bags are the U.K. and Israel. Yep, the two nations we formerly could count on to be with us no matter the issue. We don’t have enough space to tally the assaults BHO has directed at London and Jerusalem. In the last month alone, Barack has tried to return the British owned Falklands Islands to Argentina and demanded that Israel stop building houses for its citizens on land that Jews have controlled for, oh, 4,000 years.

Other former allies that recently have tasted the wrath of Obama-Hill are a who’s who of our former friends: Honduras, Canada, Colombia, Poland, Czech Republic. Even Barney the purple dinosaur and Hannah Montana are not safe.

Meanwhile, Obama is busily purging the official lexicon of any offensive words such as “enemy” and “terrorist.” What’s next, opening an official training center for suicide bombers?

Barack to America: ‘Hey, ObamaCare hasn’t wrecked the country yet. It’s gonna take a few years!’

April 2, 2010

Since bribing enough Congressmen to approve the nationalization of the best health care system in the world, our president has traveled the land in full campaign mode. He appears to have three motives:

1. Brand everyone who opposes ObamaCare as a radical, racist, knuckle-dragger who needs to be put in a re-education camp
2. Gleefully smirk that since the bill passed, American is still standing
3. Get out of working in Michelle’s vegetable garden during the spring planting

'Typical opponents of ObamaCare'

Yes, forget that every poll shows Americans overwhelmingly despise ObamaCare and the Democrat Congress. The problem, according to our Dear Leader, is us.

If only we were more enlightened, we’d see the beauty that will come when all of our needs are met by Washington. From womb to tomb (and with Bart Stupak’s federally guaranteed abortion coverage, this could be a really short time), Barack will be there as we settle into being a nation of enforced mediocrity.

In a corrupt process worthy of Vladimir Putin or Hugo Chavez, Barry-Harry-and-Nancy slimed their health care bill through Congress. Now, all that remains is convincing us to enjoy the ride down.

The most disingenuous part of Dear Leader’s campaign, besides the demonizing of Americans, is his contention that in the days after passage, America still looked like America.

“So after I signed the bill, I looked around,” the president said in Maine this week. “I looked up to the sky to see if asteroids were coming. I looked to the ground to see if cracks had opened up in the earth. You know what? It turned out to be a pretty nice day. Birds were still chirping. Folks were strolling down the street. Nobody lost their doctor. Nobody had pulled the plug on Granny. Nobody was being forced into some government plan,” Obama said.

'Henry's job is to make sure companies don't complain when they fork over their profits to fund ObamaCare'

The fact is we are like lobsters peacefully sitting in a pot of warm water which is slowly being heated toward boiling. It’s still pleasant. But eventually, we’ll be served for dinner to the bureaucrats who will soon stand between us and our doctors.

Although there are immediate deleterious effects to ObamaCare — witness the billions that our largest companies are having to pay, only to be savaged by Obama sycophants like Henry Waxman — we can rest assured that the worst is yet to come.

And, the Keyster doesn’t want to totally curdle your yogurt, but the passage of ObamaCare has emboldened our Dear Leader to inflict even more pain on us. Legalizing millions of illegals. The national energy tax backdoored through the EPA. The monstrous “consumer protection agency.” More and more federal government.