Archive for May, 2010

Barry to nation: ‘I take full responsibility for the oil spill caused by the Bush administration and greedy capitalists, I just hope it doesn’t curtail my vacation!’

May 28, 2010

Has the U.S. ever had a less-inspiring president? Sure, Jimmy Carter could send you into a deep funk just by his sad-sack countenance and mournful eyes. But Barack Obama has perfected the art of making his subjects feel crappy by his willful and aggressive condemnation of all things American.

'Has Barack passed Jimmy in the race for worst president of modern times?'

At yesterday’s presser –an event so rare for the ‘most transparent’ president ever that even his pals in the mainstream media were stunned to see their idol in person — our Prez took ‘responsibility’ for the Gulf oil spill. Of course, responsibility to Barack means that BP and Bush actually caused the problem; he’s stuck holding this stupid press conference when he really should be on the golf course, shootin’ hoops or hanging with Shakira and P Diddy.

Standing in front of a garish gold curtain apparently left over from a low-budget Louis XIV movie, our Dear Leader sneered, sniffed, deflected and obfuscated. But the overall message from Barry was clear: hey, none of this is my fault.

Not the uncontrollable oil disaster. Not the unemployment rate rivaling a third-world nation. Not the nuked up mullahs in Iran. Not the war about to erupt on the Korean peninsula. Not the soaring debt that threatens to Greece-ify the U.S. Not the bribe he offered to a U.S. Senatorial candidate so his buddy Arlen would have a clear path to re-election. Not the fact that donuts are fattening. (Okay, maybe he’s actually not responsible for the last one)

'Joe's covering for me at Arlington so I can work on my short game!'

Barack was even forced to interrupt his 47th vacation as president to put in a token appearance in Louisiana. You know things are going seriously wrong when BHO delays his tee time or dinner at the way-upscale Spiaggia restaurant in Chicago. As Barack and Michelle are constantly reminding their subjects: leadership is such a burden, it’s even tough to get in your workout!

BHO: ‘The Constitution is great, it says I can do anything I want!’

May 18, 2010

Since the coronation of Barack Obama in January 2009, the U.S. has seen an unprecedented expansion of government into the everyday lives of Americans.

The U.S. government now owns two car companies. It underwrites the vast majority of home mortgages via Fannie and Freddie, leaving taxpayers on the hook for literally trillions of fetid real estate deals. It has a monopoly on student loans. It now has the legal framework to take over the entire health care industry. Washington controls major insurance companies.

'The Constitution was written by a bunch of white guys with wigs, but we're gonna fix it!'

Most alarmingly, the Beltway bunch is in the process of taking over the banking industry, and thus will decide how capital gets allocated. Bingo, Washington will then control the entire economy.

We even have the First Lady championing a anti-obesity effort, worthy of the ’70s-era USSR, that tell us what foods we can eat at home and in restaurants. “Comrade, have another slice of stale whole-grain rye bread, and a wholesome glass of tap water. May Barack live forever!”

So the Keyster began to wonder: just what is it about our Dear Leader that causes him to believe that the federal government should be the focus of life in the United States. Just recently, our crack research team uncovered a document from the Constitutional law class that Barry taught at the University of Chicago in 1996.

For the first time, the Keyster can reveal the President’s thinking on just how he views our foundational document. Here are excerpts from a mid-term quiz Professor Obama gave to his students:

'We had to rewrite the Declaration of Independence when we passed healthcare and it's a lot better now!'

“The U.S. Constitution was ratified by an all-white assembly of bourgeois landowners in 1787. The Constitution in effect institutionalized discrimination by not specifically enumerating the rights of all Americans to have free health care, free housing, free food and an iPod loaded with the speeches of Jeremiah Wright.

“With that as background, select the best answer to the following questions:

1. The First Amendment to the Constitution:
a. Gives the government the power to ban conservative talk radio
b. Applies only to the Democrat Party, the New York Times and the SEIU
c. Has unloosed a dangerous trend of pastors reading the Bible from the pulpit
d. All of the above
(correct answer: D)

2. The Second Amendment to the Constitution:
a. Is being abused by right-wing nut-jobs who want to kill their neighbors with an Uzi
b. Was designed only for the government and the New Black Panther Party
c. Was slipped into the final document by the NRA without anyone noticing
d. All of the above
(correct answer: D)

3. The ‘enumeration’ clause means:
a. The feds have the right to tell you where to set your thermostat
b. States exist only to provide funding for the federal government
c. Anything not specifically mentioned in the Constitution, such as selling cars, is the exclusive purview of the federal government
d. All of the above
(correct answer: D)

4. Which phrase best summarizes the U.S. Constitution:
a. A pain in the rear for those trying to build a Utopian socialist society
b. A crutch for racist, knuckle-dragging neo-cons
c. Constitution? I don’t need no stinkin’ Constitution!
d. All of the above
(correct answer: D)

Comedian-in-chief to an anxious nation: “What do you call an oil slick that only affects Arizona? One of my friends! Ha ha ha!!! And don’t forget to tip your waitress, they’re SEIU members and know where you live!” (Rim shot)

May 5, 2010

Uh oh. The Keyster has his hip boots handy and is preparing to head to the still pristine sands of Siesta Key to wipe crude oil off of pelicans and defend the beloved beach from a looming environmental onslaught.

The reason? Our President has assured the nation that he’s doing everything “in our power” to stop the massive BP oil spill off the coast of Louisiana.

'All of my media friends loved by routine at the correspondents' dinner. Hey, did you hear the one about the CEO, the Republican and the Tea Partier?'

The sad truth is that any time President Obama tries to fix something, it gets worse. As just one example, our Dear Leader promised a “laser-like focus” on jobs. The result: massive job losses and a seemingly permanent European-style unemployment rate of nearly 10%, due solely to Obama’s destructive policies.

Look at the dandy job BHO’s done with General Motors: the formerly great company paid back a small chunk of their bailout with, yes, other taxpayer money. Time for a $100 million ad campaign, paid for with taxpayer money!

Anybody who thinks this crew of incompetents, lifetime academics from the Northeast and social-justice warriors can contain an oil leak one mile under the surface is sadly mistaken. Obama’s only hope is to shift blame to the Tea Party and talk radio, thus giving Rahm Emanuel another crisis he can use to further the federal takeover of everything from health care to our salt shakers.

The response of BHO has been truly comical. Nearly two weeks after the deadly explosion April 20 on the BP Deepwater Horizon platform, President Obama still hadn’t noticed that raw crude oil was gushing straight into the Gulf… in what is shaping up to be the biggest enviro disaster in U.S. history.

'Even Jay said my jokes were terrific. Did you hear the one about the farmer who had a beautiful daughter?'

As the oil flowed, Barry just this past weekend entertained his supporters in the news media at the White House Correspondents Association dinner. He used material written for him by Comedy Central, those edgy social commentators who folded like a card-house in a hurricane when a suburban wanna-be jihadist threatened them with mayhem. But hey, they can sure insult Christians and people from the Midwest!

By all accounts, Barack is an excellent comedian, assuming you like your humor on the Don Rickles side… sarcastic, biting, always on the attack. He’s also the only comedian in stand-up history to use multiple Teleprompters, but let’s don’t get picky, after all Katie Couric looked ravishing in her evening gown.

However, by Sunday, somebody alerted the Prez that, ah, there’s this little problem with an oil slick the size of Russia threatening to trash the coastline from Texas to Florida.

Suddenly, Dear Leader was on the case. His first response was to attack BP. He flew to Louisiana. He was photographed looking properly concerned while talking with coastal fishermen.

And most frighteningly, he dispatched Homeland Security Secretary Janet ‘The System Worked’ Napolitano to the scene. Yes, the same woman who turned Arizona into a commonwealth of Mexico and was so pleased that a known terrorist was able to board an airplane, only failing to to blow up hundreds of people because his bomb didn’t go off.

'Pelicans flee the Gulf upon hearing that the feds were taking control of the clean up'

Upon hearing that Janet was going to be in charge, tens of millions of shore birds were spotted migrating from their homes for distant lands. Even the fishermen in Louisiana realized that with the feds on the scene, they were going to have to do this themselves. In a matter of days, the independent Cajuns had laid hundreds of miles of booms to defend fisheries and oyster beds… until the Obama administration slapped them with a civil rights suit because they failed to provide diversity training.