Archive for June, 2010

Barack to G-20: ‘Follow my lead and the global economy will collapse, but we can get in 18 holes before we adjourn!’

June 29, 2010

Has there ever been a more ludicrous spectacle than President Obama lecturing the heads of the G-20 nations this weekend about economics?

After all, in just 18 months, Barack has run up nearly $3 trillion in new debt, destroyed five million jobs, jammed through redistribution programs including nationalized healthcare, and assaulted the private sector with taxes and stifling regulations. His efforts, unless reversed, guarantee America will go from greatness to mediocrity in a generation.

'Everyone at the G-20 wanted a copy of my new bumper sticker!'

Yet there was our Dear Leader, on the world stage in Toronto, telling everyone from France to China that they must unleash Obamanomics on their hapless citizens. It was like John Edwards teaching a class in marital fidelity, Michael Vick writing a book on pampering your pet, or Britney Spears offering advice on modesty to young girls.

Even the Europeans, who’ve rendered an entire continent basically irrelevant with their statist policies, declined to go along with Barack’s pleas to stay their Keynesian ways. They are moving as fast as politically possible in the opposite direction from Barry-Harry-and-Nancy.

In capitals from London to Helsinki, brave politicians are actually taking halting first steps to rein in social welfare programs, defang powerful public worker unions and re-build their decimated economies by loosening the private sector.

In the end, the G-20 summit issued an insipid call for the largest economies to “stabilize” their debts by 2016 while continuing to “stimulate” their nations with government spending. But the message was clear: “Uh, no thanks Barack, we’ve seen what happened to Greece and we’ll take a pass. We don’t want the Chinese as our landlord.”

Behind the scenes, the Germans, British and even the formerly free-wheeling French were appalled at the U.S. lobbying for more government debt and wasteful public expenditures. “Frankly, your president is to Keynesian economics what the Hindenburg was to dirigible travel,” a high-ranking English diplomat told the Keyster.

'The G-20 leaders turned me down on more spending, but they'll come around when they see the great results we're getting in the U.S!'

The G-20, representing the European Union and 19 other big economies, will again meet in South Korea in November. The word is that Obama already has his advance team scouting out golf courses. After all, one of our president’s first comments on landing this weekend in Canada was: “Hey, I hear you’ve got some decent courses in this frozen wasteland. Let’s get going!”

Should the president’s team of economists ever sober up, the Keyster recommends they hire Thomas Sowell or Arthur Laffer.


Barack: ‘I finally found someone’s @$#% to kick and MSNBC is really pleased!’

June 24, 2010

For the first time in this never-ending nightmare of a presidency, Barack Obama has acted swiftly and decisively. Unfortunately, President Appeasement took his wrath out on a certified American military hero, Gen. Stanley McChrystal.

'We're gonna win the war in Afghanistan by telling the Taliban when we're pulling out!'

Some time ago, the Keyster opined that this administration is the modern-day equivalent of Superman’s world of Bizarro, where up is down, good is bad and everything is the opposite of what it should be. Hence, we witness BHO:
— Furiously ramping up government spending and forcing through huge new entitlements, then convening a commission to ‘fight’ the deficit
— Jacking up business taxes, enacting onerous regulation and nationalizing private businesses, while declaring his first priority is job creation
— Insulting and damaging virtually every U.S. ally (Israel, England, Honduras, Colombia, Poland, Czech, etc.) while sucking up to nations who have vowed to destroy us (Iran, Venezuela, Cuba, Russia, North Korea, etc.)
— Setting a presidential record for rounds of golf and vacations after declaring he ‘wouldn’t rest’ until the oil stopped gushing

'Boy did I kick that four-star general's @#$%@, even Hugo and Vladimir were impressed!'

Thus, it makes perfect Bizarro sense that when Barack finally made a decision without appointing a commission or dithering for months, it would be dead wrong. BHO found an @#%$& to kick and naturally, it’s that of an American who has dedicated himself to protecting his nation. “Not to worry Mahmoud, I’ll take care of McChrystal!”

If you haven’t read the infamous Rolling Stone article on Gen. McChrystal, click here .

What’s inexplicable is why McChrystal would let a reporter from an anti-war, anti-military, sex-drugs-and-rock-and-roll rag spend three weeks in his inner circle. The four-star general is brilliant; he had to know exactly what he was doing.

Was Rolling Stone his way of letting the world know of the absurdity of a commander-in-chief who:
— Orders a troop build-up in Afghanistan, and in the same sentence announces their withdrawal date
— Declares he wants to root out the “tal-e-ban” and then installs rules-of-engagement that wouldn’t let a U.S. soldier so much as use a paintball-gun against a terrorist without specific authorization from Michelle

So Gen. McChrystal rides into the sunset, having pulled back the curtain on some ugly truths about Barry, Joe ‘Bite Me’ Biden and the other incompetents in positions of power. Was he crude and intemperate? You bet. Was he wrong? Only in the world of Bizarro.

Luckily for our troops, and this nation’s overall security, Gen. Petraeus is taking over and he is a good one.

Charlie ‘the Anti’ Crist: ‘I will announce the rest of my core beliefs once the White House tells me what they are’

June 17, 2010

Since we checked in with Florida governor Charlie Crist last April, the politico with the surreal suntan has demonstrated the integrity and judgment of Lindsay Lohan after an all-nighter.

In his all-consuming bid to become the next U.S. senator from the Sunshine State, Chuck has renounced every moral and political position he’s supported during nearly 20 years in politics. It would all be amusing… except polls show that there are a frightening number of Florida voters who actually intend to pull the lever for a candidate whose campaign slogan is: “Charlie Crist: Because Florida needs Gumby in Washington!”

'I'm telling all Floridians to vote for Charlie so together we can turn this country into a third-world hellhole!'

After fleeing the Republican party in May rather than face a humiliating primary defeat at the hands of Marco Rubio, Charlie has become uber-lib. In just eight weeks, Charlie has 180’ed so often he’s morphed into ‘the Anti’ Crist. Consider that Chuckie has:

— Vetoed a bill that would have actually reduced abortions by requiring women to get an ultrasound prior to an abortion
— Reversed a lifetime of opposition to rapprochement with Cuba
— Removed all pro-life material from his campaign website and is the leading candidate for the Bart Stupak Award from Planned Parenthood
— Reversed his position on offshore drilling
— Eagerly sought the endorsement of unions and trial lawyers
— Reversed his position on ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’
— Announced that if elected, he will fight for bigger government, higher taxes, less prosperity, repeal of the 1st Amendment for talk radio and sainthood for Al Gore

Gee Charlie, that sound like, well, President Obama’s agenda.

'Now that I don't have any convictions, it's a lot easier to campaign!'

“Floridians deserve someone in Washington without any firm convictions or beliefs,” Crist said in an exclusive interview with the Keyster. “As your next U.S. senator, I will do whatever President Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid tell me. Sure, we’re going to jack the Florida unemployment rate to 25%, shove everyone over 65 into hospice the moment they catch a cold and get Bill Ayers appointed to the Supreme Court, but I’ll get a great office and a wonderful federal pension.”

But aren’t you worried, the Keyster queried the loquacious con artist, that voters might notice that you don’t actually stand for anything?

“Are you kidding me? This a state where half the voters in one of our richest counties can’t even figure out how to cast their ballot! I can run even on the coastlines, and the toothless rednecks will line up for me after I promise them free beer and mud wrestling. I’ll get enough money from the Dems to paint Marco as a dangerous looney to the right of Ghenghis Khan. Next thing you know, I’m shooting hoops with the Prez and voting for whatever he wants.”

Curser-in-Chief: ‘Hey, @#%$!&*! America, it’s all #%@&* Bush’s !#@#$%* fault anyway!’

June 12, 2010

Nearly two months into the disaster, President Obama’s strategy for dealing with the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico has become clear: profanity. Yes, the most powerful man in the world has been reduced to cursing at the oil in hopes that it will stop.

'I've been learning how to swear and it's going pretty $#@%^& well!'

This week we had the bizarre spectacle of BHO, on the friendly turf of The Today Show, telling the world that he’s convening an expert panel to determine whose “@#%^@ to kick.” For some odd reason, the oil continued to gush into the Gulf, but Matt Lauer had to be rushed to the hospital after fainting at the sight of his hero.

Uh, Mr. President, just an observation: most tough guys don’t need a team of Ph.Ds and media handlers to point out which fanny to kick. And they definitely don’t rehearse their words and deliver them with the forced cadence of the Super Bowl MVP announcing he’s “going to Disney World.”

'The girls got me an early father's day gift and I @#$%@# love it!'

Barack’s latest obscenity followed his statement a few weeks back, carefully leaked to his adoring news media, that he told his staff to “plug the #@*&^! hole.”

So, here’s the Keyster’s handy summary of BHO’s three-pronged program for dealing with the worst environmental disaster in U.S. history:
1. Blame Bush
2. Swear
3. Attend Kelly Clarkson concert

Obviously, Rahm has some polling data showing that Barack needs to show more emotion than R2-D2. And the way to achieve that, they’ve decided, is to go street. It won’t be long before f-bombs will be spicing up our Dear Leader’s daily speeches.

But I’ve got a suggestion: Mr. President, if you’re going to show your inner gangster, may I suggest the following line will actually be useful to the world:

“Listen Mahmoud. You’ve got 24 @#+!#&* hours to shut down your !#$*&@ nuclear program or we’ll bomb your #^$@% country back to the %^*@#$@ stone ages. Got it, you little $#%@&^*?”

Barack: ‘Of course I’m telling the truth, just ask Bill!’

June 5, 2010

The corruption of the Obama administration continues to gush out like oil from the Deepwater Horizon. The most ‘transparent White House ever’ is struggling to keep its credibility as new revelations of bribes, extortion and sleazy politics wash up daily on Barack Beach.

The news media attempts to extinguish the fire of corruption surrounding the Obama administration

Luckily for Barry, he’s got the New York Times, CBS, ABC, WashPo and 99.9% of the regular news media busy cleaning up the tar balls of corruption for him. But cracks are showing in his media support: Newsweek only ran two flattering stories about Michelle on its cover last month.

It’s now clear to all but the news media that Team Obama tried to bribe Pennsylvania Congressman Joe Sestak and Colorado politician Andrew Romanoff with lucrative federal jobs to stay out of political races, clearing the way for Obama sycophants like Arlen Specter. And this likely is just the tip of the corruption iceberg.

Obama is up to his eyeballs in the Rod Blagojevich trial that is just getting underway in Chicago. New stories are breaking out nationwide of new misdeeds by his band of merry miscreants.

After stonewalling and evading questions from Fox News for months, the White House was forced to confront the Sestak issue last week. And when you’re talking about lying and lawbreaking, who is the first person who springs to mind? That’s right, our own lovable impeached ex-prez, Bill ‘Blue Dress’ Clinton.

'Bill always tells the truth so you can believe him on the Sestak scandal!'

Yes sir, when I want somebody to vouch for my honesty, there’s nobody like Bubba! Think about it: it took the ‘smartest president ever’ and his staff of geniuses two months to concoct a whopper so preposterous even Bobby Gibbs was embarrassed when he meekly fed this to his underlings in the press.

The Keyster can imagine the meeting where Obama, Rahm, Axelrod and his cabal of ex-ACLU lawyers dreamed this up: “Hey, I got it. Let’s get Bill Clinton to say that he was the one who called Sestak and offered him an unpaid seat on an obscure advisory board that would force him to resign from Congress!”

Any Republican president would be deep into impeachment proceedings by this point. Multiple felonies. Repeated lies to the public and to Congressional Republicans trying to get to the bottom of this mess. But not Obama, not when he can count on media malfeasance to protect him.

Luckily, readers and viewers of the mainstream media are declining nearly as fast as Obama’s poll numbers. America has come to see just who it elected back in 2008 when millions of gullible people fell under the spell of ‘hopeandchange.’ And it’s a sight about as appealing as a pelican covered with oil on a Louisiana bayou.