Archive for July, 2010

Journalists to Barack: ‘You have our undying devotion and complete obedience!’

July 28, 2010

As Barry-Harry-Nancy continue their merry quest to Greece-ify the United States, the statists in Washington are secure of one thing: they can count on unwavering support from the nation’s “news” media.

Sure, they have their little spats; what lovers don’t? But the ardor between the “news” media and the Dems ranks among the great romances in history. The New York Times’ devotion to President Obama recalls Bogey and Bacall, Antony and Cleopatra… although Humphrey and Mark didn’t have the advantage of the internet to display their tenderness on a 24-hours news cycle.

The U.S. news media and Obama: a passionate love affair that will never die

There still may be a few dimwitted professors in second-tier journalism schools who cling to the pretense of an objective news media. But for most Americans, unbiased reporting has gone the way of carbon paper and the evidence for anthropomorphic global warming.

The recent revelations of the JournoList — 400 reporters and other elites who conspired to brand conservatives as racists and shield Obama from scandal — were about as surprising as Bill Clinton lying on the witness stand, Al Gore chasing massage therapists around his hotel room or Oliver Stone letting fly with an anti-Semitic screed.

As some readers may know, the Keyster is a journalism-school grad with three years experience as a reporter. This reportorial background is very helpful when this site garners exclusive interviews with President Barack “Holiday” Obama, Gov. Charlie “the Anti” Crist of Florida and other political aspirants.

We have personal insights into the thorough corruption of the news media, having witnessed once reputable outlets such as the Washington Post and CBS turn into public relations wings of the Democrat National Committee. So the disclosure that many of the nation’s “news” media were actively campaigning for Obama is as predictable as Sean Penn loving dictators.

'Reporters are great, they print whatever I tell them to!'

Typical question from NBC reporter to President George Bush, 2006: “Hey cowboy, when you gonna tell another lie about weapons of mass destruction?”

Typical questions from NBC reporter to President Obama, 2010: “Mr. President, may you live forever, why are the evil Republicans preventing you from making this nation great? How may we, your humble servants, help you achieve your goals?”

Honestly, it’s been sad to watch America’s daily papers fade into total irrelevance, foundering in a sea of red ink. But it’s exciting to know that anyone with a computer can go to websites such as the Drudge Report, Hot Air and Fox News and find out for themselves what is happening. The monopoly the mainstream media once had is gone, and the libs do not like this.

They and their supporters in Congress and the White House are becoming desperate as voters turn in droves against their socialist agenda. There is serious talk inside the Beltway of the feds stepping in and bailing out newspapers, turning them into wards of the state like NPR, taxpayer funded and unaccountable.

The left also would love to emulate its hero Hugo Chavez and use the raw power of the state to silence the Rush Limbaughs and Michelle Malkins of the world via “fairness doctrine.”

Less than 100 days before the November elections, the mainstream “news” media is desperately trying to prop up the Democrats and their Congressional majority so Barry can complete hope-n-change. But we know better.

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Barack: ‘We’ve got to regulate your showers and ATMs because people just can’t be making those kinds of decisions on their own!’

July 21, 2010

President Obama today signs another monstrous bill that drives the tentacles of the federal government ever deeper into our lives. The 2,315-page “financial reform” law unleashes federal regulators to dictate every aspect of the American capital and banking system, from ATM fees to preventing a wheat farmer from hedging his crop.

'The glorious revolution is going really well, soon we'll make every decision for you!'

Tens of thousands of new bureaucrats soon will be hired, especially to staff a Stalin-esque “Consumer Protection Agency” with undefined powers to save us from greedy capitalists. When coupled with Obamacare, the feds now have functionally taken over more than half of the U.S. economy.

And you thought movies such as “Aliens” and “Dawn of the Dead” were frightening. Those hideous creatures that explode out of actors’ chests in B-movies will look like Mr. Rogers compared to federal employees telling you what you can eat, what you can read and when you can see an Obamacare doctor.

“Dawn of the Fed,” starring Barney Frank and Chris Dodd, rated NC-17, will terrify every American… unless you’re a member of the Service Employees International Union or in the country illegally.

Naturally, the new “finance reform” law totally ignores the real cause of the recent financial meltdown. Taxpayers, already on the hook for $1 trillion in bad loans, will continue to pour money into Fanny and Freddy with no end in sight.

The winners in these last 18 months of regulatory orgy are companies and organizations like GE, AARP, Google and Goldman Sachs who are heavy contributors to the Dems. Their lobbyists will write the regs and policies that bring these incomprehensible laws to life.

The losers? Hundreds of millions of American citizens who will pay more for virtually everything because of the scarcity of capital while the U.S. economy is choked of its vitality by central planners.

“Hey, Keyster, you’re bumming us out!” you’re probably thinking by this time. But there’s good news:

Barry and his buds have not forgotten the little things while they complete their statist dream of turning the U.S. into a nation with all the joys, freedom and prosperity of North Korea and Yemen. All we need is a polyester leisure suit for Barack and framed pictures of our Dear Leader for every home and business.

'I asked Bill to get me the name of Kim's tailor when he was in North Korea!'

Yes, we can all breath easier now that Barack is in charge of our bathing habits. The U.S. Department of Energy is cracking down on makers of those luxurious showerheads so popular in bathroom remodeling projects. The Wall Street Journal reports that with a regulatory snap of the fingers, Barry’s boys have taken over our bathrooms.

No longer will Americans live in fear of having enough water for a proper shower. The only showerhead to win approval of the DOE is the new EyeDropper Pelosimatic. This eco-wonder is sure to sooth the aches and pains of waiting in line for hours to see your doctor, as it drips out two liters of solar-heated water per hour.

Barack: ‘It’s tough work running up a trillion dollar deficit in just seven months, we need another vacation!’

July 14, 2010

In Hollywood, you can always tell when the comedy scriptwriters have run out of ideas. Suddenly, a character will dart into the scene shouting something like: “Dad’s home!” or “Surf’s up!” or “Junior fell off a ladder!”

The focus then shifts to the merry chaos that needs to be resolved. Anyone who’s watched a Disney Channel series such as “Hannah Montana” or “Suite Life with Zach and Cody” experiences this technique every episode.

'I've asked Ken Salazar to heat up the ocean so we can go body surfing in Maine!'

And so it is with our president, Barack “Holiday” Obama. In this interminable tragicomedy, our hero has bankrupted a nation, institutionalized double digit unemployment, emboldened our enemies, accused U.S. citizens of racism and other nasty deeds, larded Washington with unaccountable radicals, sat by idly while the Gulf of Mexican is trashed, and fundamentally altered our form of government from capitalist to socialist.

Viewer fatigue has set in, big-time. The audience is ready to change the channel just as soon as they can get their hands on the remote this November. So what does the scriptwriter do? That’s right, time for a diversion!

“We’re going on vacation to Maine!” Michelle shouts as she and the girls dash into the scene, stage left. Our president, smiles, shrugs his shoulders, and next thing you know, Air Force One is jetting north.

'Air Force One sure beats the old station wagon when we go on vacation and I can bring my golf clubs and boogie board!'

What’s sure to ensure is a series of lighthearted adventures, complete with wisecracking sidekicks like Robert “Sneer” Gibbs, Rahm “Never Let a Crisis Go To Waste” Emanuel and our newest lovable lib, Dr. Donald “Redistribute the Wealth” Berwick.

It’s sure to be a fun-filled weekend: Bar Harbor for ice cream, the fam strolling the rocky beaches, exploring Acadia National Park, eating lobster while wearing those goofy plastic bibs. They might even run into a love-struck moose! Ah shucks, Barry, Shelly and the girls are just regular folks!!

“But Keyster, but Keyster, aren’t you being unfair to our president?” you might be asking. After all, everyone needs a vacation and holding the title of “most powerful person in the world” does take its toll. Remember Bill Clinton? He walked into the White House like a pledge at Phi Delta Theta and eight years later looked like a 74-year old sex offender. Oops, sorry Bill, didn’t mean to add 10 years to your age!

Maybe we should all be grateful when our Dear Leader is away from Washington for his, oh, 27th vacation this year… despite his pledge last April that he wouldn’t rest until the Gulf of Mexico oil leak was fixed. The farther he is from Washington, the less likely he is to inflict even more damage to this country. Party on Barack!

Obama: ‘We can’t have Arizona enforcing the law, so I told Eric to sue them!’

July 7, 2010

One thing we can say about our president: he never gives up. With his approval numbers dropping through the 40s and heading inexorably to the 30s, Barack and the libs continue to ignore an increasingly outraged public in their desperate push to permanently weaken this nation before the November elections.

Socialized medicine? Done.   National energy tax (cap and tax)?   Half way there.   Government control over all banks and investment houses (so-called “financial reform”)? Through the House and within one vote in the Senate.

'Eric's doing a great job, not only is he suing Arizona he's also going to prosecute the 9/11 masterminds for littering!'


So what’s left for Barry-Harry-and-Nancy, other than naming Al “Crazed Sex Poodle” Gore as energy czar?   That’s right, our Dear Leader now wants a federal amnesty program… and he wants it now.   Only an extra 20 million freshly minted Democrat voters can preserve their teetering grip on power.

And to demonstrate just how serious he is about the entire subject, Obama this week filed a suit against Arizona for, well, deciding to enforce the law.

Why it is that every time our president finds an @#$%& to kick, it’s attached to a long-standing ally (Honduras, Israel, etc.), an American hero (Gen. McChrystal, Cambridge police officer James Crowley, etc.) or a state battling against waves of illegal immigrants, many involved in drug and human smuggling?

In another tedious “big speech” last week, Barack outlined his plan for “comprehensive immigration reform.” Knowing that few of our readers could stomach more than a few minutes of watching the prez read from his ‘prompter, our researchers waded through his remarks and can now present:

President Obama’s Comprehensive Immigration Reform Plan

1. Officially declare the U.S. actually has no borders
2. Have ACORN register people as Democrats as they illegally enter the country
3. Go golfing

Let’s be clear.  The Keyster has deep sympathy for people who want to come to America in search of a better life for their family.  Even after 18 months of attack by Obama and his pals, this nation still offers people — no matter their color, religion, background — the most unfettered opportunity for success.  There is a process for becoming an American citizen; we all know people who have completed it.

'Some of the people entering this country illegally might be a little rough, but they make terrific Democrats!'

But the idea of rewarding people whose first action in this country is breaking the law is like naming Lindsay Lohan head of the Drug Enforcement Agency.

Which leads us to Attorney General Eric Holder, a strong proponent of selective law enforcement. Together, Obama and Holder are merrily ignoring any laws that they don’t happen to support.

Already got a conviction against two racist New Black Panthers for blatant voter intimidation? Heck, just drop the case! Open bribes offered to candidates to not run against Obama’s friends? Hey, it’s okay with us! Arizona wants to enforce existing laws? We’re not gonna put up with that, no way!