Archive for August, 2010

Barack from Martha’s Vineyard: ‘I hope all Americans are enjoying the Summer of Recovery as much as I am!’

August 27, 2010

Unemployment: an appalling 9.6%. Sale of existing houses: down 27%. Iran this week went full-on nuke. Costs for health insurance and credit cards, both newly under the vice grips of the feds: soaring. Stock markets: cratering. Businesses by the millions: laying off and hoping to survive a tsunami of new taxes and regulations.

Barry: 'The Summer of Recovery is going really great, I've gotten in 48 rounds of golf and we ate lobster last night!'

Welcome to the “Summer of Recovery,” inflicted on us by Barry-Harry-and-Nancy. The only ones thriving during this nation-wide malaise are, well, Barack and his family, deep into their 192nd vacation at the playground of the liberal monied class, Martha’s Vineyard.

As our royal First Fam spends tens of millions globetrotting from Maine to Spain on Air Force One, things have gotten so bad that Newsweek hasn’t run a fawning cover story on Michelle for three weeks.

'Syd could have bought a single copy for $4.95, but thanks to my economic programs, he got the entire company for $1!'

And, in a confirmation where we’re heading under Obamanomics: Newsweek was sold this month to billionaire progressive Sydney Harman for $1, or $4 less than the price of a single issue. But not to worry: Syd promises that the tepid weekly mag is planning a major investigative piece on Michelle’s vegetable garden.

Only poor Veep Joe ‘Bite Me’ Biden can keep a straight face while publicly declaring that things under the neo-socialist policies of the Dems are getting better. Ole Joe was at this again this week, telling us that “we’re on the right track!” What he didn’t mention is that this track leads straight off a cliff.

Even press hack Bobbie Gibbs has gone AWOL. Rumors are flying that Gibbs no longer can keep it together during his daily pep rally with his media pals and is planning to bail. One source close to the administration tells the Siesta Keyster that Gibby will be joining the staff of the Jiffy Lube in Weehawken, N.J., as tire pressure assistant.

So the ‘Summer of Recovery’ joins other infamous campaigns and products that didn’t quite turn out the way their proponents intended:

Winter of Winning
: The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers managed to run the table in the NFL, posting an 0-14 mark. The Obama administration is on track to match this record for futility, as every major program to date has gone down in flames.

Building a Marriage that Lasts: This 12-week DVD series by John ‘Two Americas’ Edwards and Tiger Woods was sold on late night info-mercials in 2008. Only two sales were recorded, one to Bill Clinton and the other to Jesse James (aka, Mr. Sandra Bullock).

'The 1976 AMC Pacer was a great car, I've told GM to bring back a reissue only with hybrid technology!'

The AMC Pacer, Car of the Future: Slow yet thirsty, so leaky it rusted from the inside out, the AMC Pacer was widely regarded as the ugliest vehicle ever sold. Taxpayers are most fortunate Barack wasn’t around in 1987 when AMC went out of biz or we’d all be subsidizing the suckers who bought one of these babies.


Charlie’s, Barbara’s and Harry’s new commercials revealed as November looms

August 19, 2010

With just 10 weeks remaining until the general election this November, politicians of all stripes are ready to unleash an unprecedented barrage of “vote for me” ads.

Things will get very serious right after Labor Day, when people return to the Boston-Washington DC megaopolis from the Hamptons, Martha’s Vineyard and Bar Harbor. Even President Barack ‘Holiday’ Obama is expected back from his summer vacations by late October, Beltway insiders tell the Siesta Keyster.

Our researchers have been given unprecedented access to some of the new television ads that we’ll see in high-profile races nationwide. While the video remains under wraps, we have obtained transcripts to give readers an idea of how candidates will sell themselves to skeptical voters.

'With Charlie in the Senate, I'll be able to take even more vacations knowing he'll do exactly what I tell him!'

Charlie ‘the Anti’ Crist, Independent, running for U.S. Senate in Florida. Crist, who fled the Republican party rather than face a humiliating primary defeat, will battle it out with up-and-coming conservative superstar Marco Rubio.
“Hello,I’m Charlie Crist. This November, Florida voters have the unique opportunity to send a fresh face to Washington… an outsider who will put an end to the fiscal insanity and stop the out-of-control spending that is destroying the country I love. But I’m asking you not to vote for Marco Rubio. As your next Senator, I’ll join hands with Barack Obama and together, we’ll grow the federal government faster than Bill Clinton hitting on an intern. There is so much to be done: the national energy tax, a value-added tax, banning talk radio, taking control of the Internet, nationalizing more big companies. There is no part of your life that we can’t improve, from dictating what you eat to how much toilet tissue you can use. Let’s finish this country off, once and for all. I’m Charlie Crist and I approved this ad.” Voice over: “Charlie’s suntan provided by Golden Shores Tanning Salons of Miami Beach.”

'Sure I'm half-bright, arrogant and a totalitarian, but it's better than having a businesswoman in the Senate!'

Barbara Boxer, Democrat, running for reelection to the U.S. Senate in California against GOP newcomer Carly Fiorina, former CEO of Hewlett-Packard:
“Carly Fiorina took a fat-cat salary while poisoning our drinking water and putting arsenic in our children’s Froot Loops. Carly Fiorina fed cat food to her mother-in-law while shes lives in a mansion in Atherton. Carly Fiorina put defenseless puppies through a wood chipper. Carly Fiorina, wrong for California, wrong for America. (patriotic music) Let’s send Barbara Boxer back to Washington for a 14th term in the Senate… because we deserve to be punished for cheating on that math test in 4th grade. As Senator, Boxer has played a key role in destroying our healthcare system, jerking up taxes and compromising our national security. Barbara Boxer: even the feeble-minded need a voice in Washington.”

'America stinks and so do you, so vote for me, you ignorant Nevadans!'

Harry Reid, Democrat, running for reelection to the U.S. Senate in Nevada
, against Tea Party newcomer Sharon Angle:
“Nevada’s unemployment stands at 15%. We lead the nation in home foreclosures. Illegal immigrants are terrorizing our citizens. Las Vegas is about as lively these days as the Rusty Springs Nursing Home on a Tuesday night. And that’s just a few of Harry Reid’s accomplishments! As your Senator, Harry Reid has led the fight against prosperity. Let’s send Harry back to Washington so together with President Obama, Harry can turn Nevada into the Zimbabwe of the United States. ‘I’m Harry Reid and I approved this ad, you racist ignorant trailer-park dwellers.'”

Libs to America: ‘We know what’s best for you!’

August 11, 2010

When the Keyster was in college a few decades ago, the image around campus was that progressives (nearly every professor and administrator at the Keyster’s university save one marvelously contentious conservative) stood for openness and increased freedom. Those who didn’t hew to this orthodoxy were viewed as ignorant, intolerant monobrows incapable of any productive act except maintaining Volvos for the enlightened class.

Today, the curtain has been pulled back on that charade. The most narrow-minded place in America is the college campus, where Stalinist speech codes prevail and any yahoo who utters a dissenting word will be hauled before a board of inquisition faster than you can say “John Locke.”

'My comrades in Washington are making excellent progress destroying American from within!'

Since January 2009, the U.S. government has completely been in the hands of the Democrat party. The result: liberty and wealth have flowed from individuals to the government at a rate that would make Che smile, if the murderous fascist whose visage adorns t-shirts and posters was still on this side of the grass.

So how to explain the love affair the left has with totalitarian governance? What to make of today’s neo-statists who believe that elites should run the tiniest details of our lives, from what we eat to where we set our thermostats? How do we reason with powerful politicians who contend the First Amendment applies only to those who agree with them?

'Being liberal means never having to say the state is wrong!'

With a compliant “news” media cheering them on, Democrats have merrily nationalized entire industries, assaulted the dwindling private sector with onerous regulation and taxes, and commandeered the greatest healthcare system the world has known. Despite rising resistance from the unwashed masses, they continue to move on a numbers of fronts to do everything from regulate the internet to impose a national energy tax before their window of opportunity slams shut this November.

The Senate even confirmed a woman for the U.S. Supreme Court who openly testified that Congress has unlimited authority under the Constitution. As leader of Harvard, Elena Kagan flaunted U.S. laws she didn’t agree with, yet could spend the next 50 years helping the left enforce their vision even if progressives lose control of the White House and Congress.

That’s the political reality and it ain’t pretty. But there is one immutable truth that the left cannot contravene. In it we find joy and peace. And that truth is: true freedom does not emanate from the state.

As our founders knew full well, liberty and freedom are found only in Christ: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

In homes and churches in even the most repressive nations, people find freedom in knowing the One who came to set us free. While the left may have temporal control, each of us is just passing through. Our fates rest with a humble carpenter from Nazareth, not power-mad politicians and bureaucrats.

Barack: ‘Sure, we’re going to lose tens of billions on the new Volt, but it’s only taxpayer money so it’s doesn’t matter!’

August 4, 2010

General Motors, a once leading car company now limping along as a ward of the state, has proudly unveiled the latest iteration of the Chevrolet Volt. Sure to bring a grin to eco-warriors and green poseurs throughout the land, the electric Volt is a perfect microcosm of the Barry-Harry-Nancy worldview.

Yes, the Volt has all the style and quality construction of a 1984 Yugo, the spaciousness of an MRI, and the range and invigorating performance of an aging golf cart at your local muni course. But where the Chevy Volt really shines is on the financial side of things.

'Yugoslavia did a great job with the Yugo and we hope to get the same results with the Volt!'

After sucking up billions of taxpayer dollars for its development (we even kicked in $5 billion to a South Korean company to build Volt batteries) GM is launching the Volt at a stunning $41,000 price point.

Your choice: buy two of Toyota’s slick and proven Prius hybrids, a honking 3 series BMW or a Volt. Hmmm, let me think about that…

The beauty is that even with this orgy of taxpayer funding, GM will lose money on each Volt it sells. The CEO admits that the company is unlikely ever to make a profit on the Volt. But when the U.S. Treasury is your personal banker, who cares?

Aside from the Leo DiCaprios and Susan Sarandons, who love to be photographed climbing out of such cars at awards ceremonies, no one in their right mind would drop 41,000 fun tickets for a car that can barely make it to the Whole Foods and back without a recharge.

So the Obama administration will offer a huge government handout to bring the Volt price down to the mid-$30,000 range. In other words, all of us are going to subsidize the wealthy few who will buy the Volt to enhance their ecological credentials.

But GM’s ace in the hole is the Salesman in Chief, Barack ‘Holiday’ Obama. The Siesta Keyster has obtained an audio recording of Obama’s first advertisement for the Volt, filmed last week after the Prez wedged himself into one of the first Volts to leave the assembly line. It is presented it here for the first time:

'The Volt is going to be a big seller, even Al Gore wants one to take him from his Gulfstream to his Aspen weekend house!'

“Hello, I’m Barack Obama, President of the United States. When I want to save the planet, I always drive my Chevy Volt to the ACORN meeting… as long as it’s less then a 40-mile round trip. Let me be clear: not only will the Volt cause the polar ice to thicken, it’s more fun than an Elena Kagan confirmation hearing. I encourage every Democrat to visit your local Government Motors dealer and take this baby for a test drive. Just don’t go too far or the battery will crap out. But don’t worry, Vice President Biden will arrange for a free tow, if that dimwit can manage to locate his office in the morning. So do as I do: when you know the cameras will be there when you arrive, leave the Range Rover in the hangar next to your jet and take a Volt. And remember: if it breaks down, it’s all Bush’s fault.”