Archive for September, 2010

CNN and NBC: ‘Sorry about the years of leftist propaganda, we hope you enjoy our new sex offender news anchors!’

September 29, 2010

Late last week, both CNN and NBC fired the men who had turned their networks into unabashed campaign wings of the Democrats party. The White House refused to confirm that the moves were sparked by President Obama’s frustration with his plummeting approval numbers and the networks’ inability to recapture the magic of the 2008 campaign.

“Let me be clear: the only person I know who can tolerate watching more than 30 seconds of CNN or NBC without being heavily medicated is Joe Biden. I’m not being critical of the ‘witless community,’ but Joe has all the intellectual firepower of one of those pepperoni pizzas Michelle eats after a long day of campaigning against obesity,” President Obama said.

NBC's Zucker: 'Our goal at NBC is to get Democrats elected, that's what we live and breathe'

The home of such colorful “personalities” as Keith Olberman, Rick Sanchez, Chris Matthews and Chuck Todd, audiences for the two sagging news ops had seriously slid during the last three years. Other than the parents and families of the on-air “talent,” CNN and NBC news are only regularly viewed in the game room of the Pleasant Springs Nursing Home in Balta, N.D., where the ancient black-and-white TV receives just the two channels.

The Siesta Keyster remembers the last time he voluntarily watched a CNN newscast. While the Keyster clan was at church in December 2003, U.S. forces captured Iraqi mass-murderer Saddam Hussein. We tuned in CNN as soon as we got home. After 15 minutes of listening to CNN reporters explain how this was actually horrible news for the U.S., we switched to Fox and have resided there ever since.

CNN's Jon Klein: 'Elliott is a perfect for CNN, not only is he completely without morality, he's dull and egomanical as well!'

Walking the plank last week were Jeff Zucker, prez of NBC News, and Jon Klein, CNN prez.

Zucker’s main achievement, other than halving the size of NBC’s news audience, was infecting all NBC operations, from the openly Marxist MSNBC to NBC Sports, with far-leftist ideology. Typical of Zucker’s genius was pushing paranoid madman Keith Olberman as a commentator on NFL pre-game broadcasts and using comedy shows to portray Christians and conservatives as racist Cro-Magnons.

Klein’s major contribution to the world of journalism, besides donating some 28,000 hours of fawning coverage to the Obama presidential campaign, was hiring noted sex offender Elliott Spitzer as a news commentator. Yes, beginning this Monday, you can thrill to the political insights of the disgraced New York governor, aka “Client Number 9” of the Emperors Club prostitution ring.

The nation is thankful Klein got sacked before he could complete the deal to hire Jeffrey Dahmer to provide analysis for the upcoming mid-term elections. While it’s easy to avoid CNN at home, the problem is that Ted Turner, who founded CNN in 1980, struck deals to have airports nationwide exclusively broadcast CNN on monitors throughout the concourses.

So there you are, trying to get from concourse A to C at the Atlanta airport. As you’re weaving in and out of the crowds, you’re assaulted by CNN: “A big development today in Washington: Republican leaders, under orders from fat-cat Wall Street billionaires, tried to stop President Obama, a great guy who has a dog named Bo, from investing $649 billion to provide free cookies and milk for union members. In other news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a wonderful new bill to construct monorail systems at the southern U.S. border. The $159 billion program will provide swift, air-conditioned transportation for illegal immigrants and terrorists now forced to trek over miles of desert…”


Barack: ‘We’re headin’ in the right direction, we just have to get a few million more people on the government dole if we want to pass Cuba!’

September 21, 2010

After a 19-month spending binge that continues unabated, President Obama is hitting the road to tout the many ‘benefits’ of his economic policies. With BHO and Congressional Dems about as popular among the electorate as Muammar al-Gaddafi at a bar mitzvah, it’s been a tough sell.

'The economy is doing really well, my handicap is down to 16 with all the practice I've gotten!'

In recent public appearances – flanked by the ubiquitous TOTUS (teleprompter of the U.S.) – our Dear Leader is even getting trashed by supporters hand-picked by the White House to populate his carefully scripted “town halls.”

Most readers of the Siesta Keyster are well familiar with the sobering deficit, federal debt and unemployment rates Barry has racked up in less than two years. But as a public service, the Siesta Keyster would like to share some more esoteric economic data that the President somehow forgets to include during his campaign appearances.

  • Percent of Americans living in a home where at least one person gets federal assistance: 50%; all-time record
  • Number of Americans on food stamps, 41.3 million; all time record
  • Number of Americans on unemployment benefits, 9.7 million
  • Percent of Americans paying no federal income tax, 45%, all time record
  • Federal deficit as percentage of gross domestic product: 12%, highest since WWII
  • Percentage of Presidential waking hours spent golfing or blaming others for his failures: 81%
  • Cost of Michelle’s vacations as percentage of total federal budget: 23%; all time record

'Sure we've got 41 million people on food stamps, but we'll get that number much higher once all my programs get underway!'

Meanwhile, the President’s most strident supporters — especially the New York Times, CNN, Time magazine, the Washington Post, NBC, AP and Reuters — are so worried about Barry’s fading popularity, they’ve assigned investigative reporters to prove that Sarah Palin is not a hockey mom.

'Just ask the Piltdown Man, he'll tell you how great the economy is doing!'

The media is so desperate to find an economist who approves of Obamanomics that they’ve recently discovered that Sean Penn has a Ph.D. in economics from the University of Chicago, as does the Octo Mom, Hugo Chavez and the Piltdown Man. All speak glowingly of the superb job Obama has done with the economy, from ‘creating and saving’ jobs to opening trade talks with Iran and North Korea, nations eager to get our nuclear technology for peaceful purposes.

Fast food in the near future: ‘I’d like a Big Michelle with carrot sticks, brown rice and a wheatgrass McFlurry. Oh, and undersize it!”

September 15, 2010

Sure the U.S. economy is in the tank, the deficit will soon bankrupt the nation and our global enemies are emboldened by the Obama doctrine of “peace through appeasement.”

But we can all sleep well knowing that the full force of the federal government is being deployed to prevent the spread of… French fries.  Only in the world of Obama and Congressional Dems does fast food pose a greater threat to our nation than apocalyptic madmen like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

'Michelle's gonna ban burgers and fries, but thankfully it doesn't apply to federal employees!'

In a speech yesterday to the nation’s restaurant operators, FLOTUS* Michelle Obama announced that she wants to “work together” with the restauranteurs on their menus. Anytime a Chicago politician tells you they have a little proposal for you to consider, you have two choices: do as you’re instructed, or watch your business go up in flames.

In essence, Michelle told the Chili’s, McDonald’s, KFCs and the Denny’s of the world to stop serving foods that people want.  Instead, offer a gloomy menu of raw veggies, fruits and throat-clogging whole grains that’s about as appetizing as the bottom of the compost heap at Sal MaNella’s Health Food Emporium.

The Siesta Keyster has nothing against healthy foods.  In fact, the Keyster clan eats mainly whole-wheat breads and pastas, salads, vegetables and grilled poultry; the fruit bowl is always stocked.   But that’s our choice.  When we eat out, we splurge on French fries, burgers, cheese-smothered burritos and fish sandwiches slathered with mayo.

Barry-Harry-and-Nancy want to control what light bulbs we can buy, what cars we can drive, where we can set our thermostats, and what we eat, not to mention what doctors we can see and when.  In their “progressive” view of America, we’re helpless saps, too ignorant to fend for ourselves.  In return for the confiscation of an ever-increasing chunk of our paychecks, we cede more decisions to faceless Washington apparatchiks who know what’s best for us.

The Siesta Keyster has obtained highly confidential documents from the White House that show just how Michelle plans to re-do how America eats away from home.  The documents also detail how Michelle’s program will slash employment in the food service by at least 50 percent, adding another 4.5 million to the unemployment ranks, as consumers just give up eating out.

Here are a few of the proposals contained in Michelle’s manifesto:

McDonalds: Big Macs will become Big Mics in honor of the First Lady and feature two soy patties on a whole-oat bun with a ‘secret’ sauce of fish oil and seaweed

Chili’s: Their best-selling Boneless Buffalo Wings will be changed to Barry’s Bogus Wings, an extruded vegetable protein coated in bulger and served with a fat-free dippin’ sauce

Burger King: The Whopper will be known as the Flopper, a generous slice of walnut-raisin loaf served on a rice-flour bun with raw cucumber and organic, sodium-free ketchup

Denny’s: The Grand Slam Breakfast henceforth will be the Grim Slam, a gelatinous bowl of steel-cut oatmeal topped with raw almonds, a half-strawberry and sprinkled with a quarter-teaspoon of sugar-substitute.  Includes their famous bottomless cup of camomile tea.

*First Lady Of The United States

Barack: ‘My economic programs are working great, we’ve almost got unemployment over 10%!’

September 9, 2010

The Siesta Keyster is three weeks into teaching economics to high schoolers and a handful of concerned adults. Our text is Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell, a brilliant economist, social commentator and philosopher who hails from the Hoover Institution at Stanford University.

Dr. Thomas Sowell: 'Look at consequences of policies, not intentions'

It had been two years since the Keyster dug into Dr. Sowell’s book and the theories of free-market economics. Here’s the encouraging part: economics is really simple. There are just a handful of principles that politicians need follow to create a climate for growth and prosperity. And economics is a science: if you do X you get Y.

Here’s the scary part: Barack ‘Holiday’ Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are moving in exactly the opposite direction. Every program and law Barry-Harry-and-Nancy ram down the throats of the unwashed masses is specifically designed to choke the U.S. economy and replace the individual with the state.

'Sure we've destroyed millions of jobs since I've been President but I won't rest until our economy resembles North Korea after a year-long drought!'

In just 19 months, they’ve brought us a seemingly permanent 10% unemployment rate (just like their social-democrat idols, the Europeans!), a $13 trillion debt that will destroy this country without a dramatic course correction, a massive increase in entitlements, and an all-out war against productive people (known to Barry-Harry-and-Nancy as the “rich”).

Our Dear Leader’s “summer of recovery”was a “bummer of a recovery” and they’re just getting warmed up. In light of the Keyster’s economics insights, we are proud to present:

The Siesta Keyster’s Pocket Guide to Obamanomics

  1. Raise taxes
  2. Go on vacation
  3. Dramatically increase federal spending
  4. Blame Bush
  5. Empower Washington appointees to dictate every detail of people’s lives
  6. Attend Rihanna concert
  7. Reduce the effectiveness of our military
  8. Bow to dictators
  9. Put taxpayers on the hook for union pensions and all home mortgages
  10. Go golfing
  11. Nationalize car companies, banks and financial institutions

'The economy is doing really well, we've been on vacation nine times already this year!'

Meet Liberty University: the most politically incorrect university in the nation

September 2, 2010

Within the next week or so, the new academic year will be underway for most of the estimated 18 million college students in the U.S. Here in the Siesta Keyster’s home state of Florida, students reported to their campuses in mid-August… mainly so Sunshine State natives can enjoy watching out-of-state students with non-air conditioned dorms melt like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.

But today’s commentary is not about 18-years from Ohio and Pennsylvania suffering tragic consequences for believing September heralds the beginning of fall weather in Florida. Rather, we want to introduce you to a college that proudly stands alone among the 5,758 places of post-secondary education in the U.S.

Students and their faculity advisors at one of our leading universities warmly welcome a conservative speaker to their campus

There is consensus among most scholars with an IQ higher than a coquina that your typical college is as free and open as the Supreme People’s Assembly of North Korea. While you may not get executed for voicing an unpopular opinion at Big State U — mainly because liberals have banned belief in capital punishment — woe be to the unsuspecting frosh who shows up with a “How’s that hopenchange working out?” bumper sticker.

Authors such as Ben Shapiro (Brainwashed: How Universities Indoctrinate America’s Youth) and Jonah Goldberg (the delightfully titled Liberal Fascism) have documented how “progressive” thought is mandated on the vast majority of campuses. But today, let’s visit a college that has taken the road less traveled.

The Keyster had been vaguely aware of Liberty University for some years. But its uniqueness was illustrated by a friend whose son attends the school in Lynchburg, Va. At the time, we both had sons adapting to their first year at college,

The Keyster's new favorite t-shirt

The Keyster’s bud commented: “(Name deleted) is doing okay in his evangelism class, although it’s tough learning how to do street corner intercepts.” Evangelism class? Yep, among the requirements for each Liberty U frosh is Evangelism 101. You won’t find that in the syllabus of the Dukes and UCLAs, unless you count their mandatory Ramadan Theory or History of Pornography classes.

Founded in 1971 by Dr. Jerry Falwell, LU is unabashedly Christian and home to nearly 12,000 students this fall — and an additional 34,000 who take on-line classes. And Liberty is growing nearly as fast the federal debt as parents and students alike yearn for a touch of morality to accompany junior’s education.

“Okay Keyster, Liberty has gotta be strictly for geeks and nerds who button the top button, wear head doilies and whose idea of a good time is watching reruns of Leave it to Beaver while sipping a vanilla malted,” you might be thinking.

Gettin' big air on Liberty's snowflex all-weather hill

Au contraire, burrito breath. Liberty has its own all-weather snowboarding hill, a 60,000 square foot workout facility, 20 division-one sports teams stacked with top talent, whitewater kayaking and paintball among the goodies on its 6,000 acre campus. The Siesta Keyster can personally vouch for the total hipness of at least four LU students

Natch, Liberty is sneered at by the education elites. You won’t find the school discussed in the Fiske Guide to Colleges while U.S. News and World Report says Liberty is at the top of “Schools to Avoid Like a Sarah Palin Rally Because You Might Actually Become Stronger in Your Faith While a Student There” category.

So if you happen to see someone wearing a blue “Liberty University: Politically Incorrect Since 1971” t-shirt about town, it could be the Keyster showing his support for the people and mission of this unique school.