Archive for October, 2010

Barack makes his closing argument: ‘Americans are too scared and too stupid to realize just how great I am, but they’re gonna vote for us anyway!’

October 26, 2010

One week before the most important mid-term election in recent history, President Barack ‘Holiday’ Obama is making his closing argument to voters.  BHO needs huge majorities in both Congressional chambers to complete his plans to turn the U.S. into Greece, only without the grape leaves in the food  but surpassing the Grecians in ruins.

'The best way to convince the riled-up voters that I'm doing a great job is to insult them!'

In an increasingly desperate series of campaign speeches and fundraisers with his worried moneyed elites, here’s Barry’s rationale: “Americans are just too stupid to realize all the great things I’ve done for them.  And they’re all racist tools who can’t afford to live in Manhattan, Georgetown or Beverly Hills, where they love me.  So make sure you re-elect your local Democrats so Nancy, Harry and I can finish off this nation, once and for all!”

Putting aside the creepy sight of the president of the United States campaigning with all the subtlety of a Chicago ward healer with a pocketful of $20s and blackjack: does Barack really believe this strategy is effective with angry voters?

During his career with large consumer-products companies, the Siesta Keyster learned a few things about marketing. Rule #1: don’t insult the customer. Rule #2: don’t go on 131 exotic vacations while urging your customers to scrimp because you’ve spent all their money.

'I eat burgers to show the voters that I'm just a regular guy, but I actually despise most of them!'

Let’s imagine Obama as vice president of advertising for McDonald’s. Okay, this is a hypothetical; he obviously doesn’t have the skills, experience or demeanor to even get a gig cleaning the McFlurry machine.

Barack Obama’s New Ad Campaign for McDonald’s

“Two years ago, we introduced the new Barack Burger. Sure, eating just one gave most people explosive diarrhea, blood poisoning and listeria. But it’s your fault that the Barack Burger had you hugging the toilet, because you just don’t appreciate how delicious it was. So now we’ve doubled the price of this lethal lunch and if you don’t reorder it, you’re beyond hope, you knuckle-dragging putz. I’m Barack Obama and I approved this ad!”


Barack: ‘Every Democrat is campaigning like Ronald Reagan, but don’t worry: once they get to Washington they’ll do whatever I tell ’em!’

October 20, 2010

It’s a surreal political season. Voters are in an ugly mood because of rampant unemployment, runaway federal spending and debt, USSR-style government mandates, and the shocking decline of the U.S. internationally.

'Democrats have a long tradition of wrecking the country, but we sure know how to party!'

Which explains why candidates from coast-to-coast, with the possible exception of Nancy Pelosi, all sound like Tea Partiers on the stump. They’re vowing to clean up Washington (or Tallahassee or Lansing or…), restore fiscal sanity, cut taxes and most of all, create jobs.

Example A: Jerry Brown of California, whose entire career consists of expanding the size and tentacles of government, is basing his gubernatorial campaign on his ability to “clean up Sacramento” and revive the moribund California economy. This would be a running Three Stooges gag, except that polls show that he’s actually favored to win.

'You'll stand a better chance of seeing a unicorn than a conservative Democrat but we still fool tens of millions of voters!'

There’s one huge problem with Brown and and his fellow Dems: they have a (D) after their name. You certainly won’t find it in their advertising. But a Democrat is a Democrat for a reason.

The media myth of the “conservative Democrat,” and especially the hilarious fallacy of the “Blue Puppy” Democrats, has been thoroughly debunked during the last two years. So let’s look at what it means to be identified by the (D):

The Siesta Keyster’s Pocket Guide to Bedrock Democrat Principles

1. Taxes can never be high enough or government big enough
2. Abortion must be legal, taxpayer-funded and, in their fondest dream, mandatory in many instances
3. The U.S. is the cause of most problems in the world
4. They know what’s good for us from light bulbs to foods, so shut up and do as you’re told, you ignorant dolts
5. Certain demographic groups will get legal preferences and lots of income redistribution, depending on their mood and who’s in style at the moment
6. The solution to unemployment is more government spending and increasing the number of unionized-government employees
7. Their party leaders will live like Louis XIV, with the best tee times and first dibs on posh government aircraft to ferry friends and family around the world, all paid for by hapless taxpayers
8. Their President will use a teleprompter at all times, even when addressing pre-schoolers

To be clear, not every candidate sporting an (R) is going to be perfect. Many are deeply flawed and power hungry, just like the libs.  But we know what that (D) means and it ain’t pretty. How do you trust a political party whose most popular figure is an impeached president who was credibly accused with multiple sexual assaults?

Marco Rubio: the next U.S. Senator from Florida and a real-deal conservative

With a Republican you stand a fighting chance of getting a decent vote once in a while. Or in the case of a Marco Rubio of Florida, virtually all the time. With a (D), the number drops to, uh, zero.

So when scanning that ballot this November, forget the ads and soundbites. All we need do is avoid anybody with a (D), no matter whether it’s for U.S. Senate or municipal charter review board.   And then we can get to work undoing all the damage that’s been done by Barry-Harry-and-Nancy.

Barack: ‘Unemployment is 10% and my debt’s gonna bankrupt the country, but we’ll have solar hot water in the White House!’

October 9, 2010

You know things are really going badly for President Obama and his Democrat pals when all that’s left is cheap campaign stunts. With the November midterm elections bearing down like a category 5 of voter outrage, the man formerly known as the Leader of the Free World is deploying cheesy PR gimmicks in hopes of distracting people from his destruction of the U.S.

So we had the unseemly spectacle last week of the POTUS, teleprompter at his side, performing at “backyard-barbecue summits.” Yes, Dear Leader just happened to drop by unsuspecting suburbanites in Virginia and Iowa to engage them in a freewheeling discussion of political issues.

'The electorate was really impressed with my backyard barbecue summits and I got a free cheeseburger!'

BHO: “Hello you ignorant peasants hopelessly mired in a flyover state. I’m Barack Hussein Obama, and I want to tell you about all the government programs I’ve enacted to make your life better.”

Suburban voter: “Mr. President, I’ve been out of work for 18 months, my house is worth half what I paid for it and I’m terrified that your buddy Mahmoud is about to nuke us into the stone age. When are you going to reverse the disastrous policies you’ve enacted?”

BHO: “I appreciate your candid feedback. Let me say this: we’re on the right path. Michelle’s vegetable garden is thriving and we have created two million new federal jobs in the last 18 months alone.” Whispers to Treasury Secretary Geithner: ”I want the IRS to audit this yahoo right now.”

The White House believes that the vast majority of voters are gullible saps. After all, they installed as president an avowed socialist whose main job qualification was handing out leaflets on street corners after a college career focused on blowing blunts and hangin’ with the Marxists.

'Sure it'll cost millions to save a few bucks a month, but it's free money because it's from the federal government!'

To confirm that view, this week Barry stood on the South Lawn and announced he’s installing solar panels on the White House. What’s more important: 42 million Americans on food stamps or the Obamas saving $16 a month on their electric bill?

The Siesta Keyster was disappointed that Dear Leader didn’t sport a red-foam nose and giant clown shoes to complete the bizarre scene. Our prez positively glowed about spending, oh, a couple of million of taxpayer funds to remind the greenies that they’d better get their hydrids down to their precincts on November 2.

The solar panels might sound like a good idea: who can be against saving the environment? But it’s a classic liberal ploy: let’s squander tremendous sums of other people’s money to make ourselves feel good and leave others to pay for the entire debacle when we’re retired with fat government pensions.