Archive for January, 2011

Obama’s SOTU: “All I have to do is say ‘invest’ instead of ‘spend’ and everyone will think I’m Ronald Reagan!”

January 26, 2011

The Siesta Keyster warmed up for last night’s State of the Union speech by ‘investing’ in a tank of gas, parts for my guitar rig, tickets for a Gator’s basketball game, a bag of Cape Cod chips and a double espresso. Oh, and I’ll be sending the bill for these ‘investments’ to our loyal readers.

I had to be ready to watch President Obama’s entire SOTU, knowing that few Americans can endure an hour of our Dear Leader lecturing America… nose in the air, head swiveling from left ‘prompter to right ‘prompter and back again.

'Investment' sounds a lot better than 'spending' and nobody will notice!

While Mrs. Keyster fled to the bedroom and slammed the door the moment BHO began to drone, the Keyster stood his ground in front of the 42-incher, snacks at the ready. As a fact-based political commentator, I needed to hear for myself whether Obama would actually propose massive new government programs, hoping to fool people by calling them ‘investments.’ Surely a politician with a Harvard education wouldn’t go full-on Sham-Wow dude on us.

I can report: yes, he really does think we’re that dumb. Under the tepid, recycled Clinton theme of “Winning the Future,” Barry called for hundreds of billions in fresh federal spending because, hey, nobody can squeeze as much out of a dollar as the crew in Washington.

Building on the success of his last trillion-dollar stimulus (permanent 10% unemployment, $14 trillion national debt, plummeting housing prices, shortages of Skittles), Obama wants to ‘invest’ in:

  • Green energy: solar-powered beanies and home windmills to replace icky electricity and cars
  • Education: higher wages and lifetime-employment guarantees for his largest campaign contributor, the National Education Association, because we need more high-school graduates who can’t read their diplomas
  • Infrastructure: Plug in stations for the Chevy Volt, bike ways in Portland and the Bill Ayers Center for Community Action in Chicago
  • Faster Internet: All Americans (except those who pay taxes) will receive the special Pelosi Package of internet, cable and telephone at $.99 a month, with a refundable annual credit of $63,840

'By 2015, every American home will be powered by green energy!'

There was probably a bunch of other stuff, but I was toggling between the double overtime win Florida put on Georgia and I missed it.  But even the ancient libs in the audience such as Bernie Sanders, John ‘I Served in Vietnam’ Kerry and Carl Levin couldn’t get excited about it all.   Joe Biden, who spent the 2010 SOTU jumping out of his seat like it was infested with fire ants, sat on his hands like he was in a ‘time-out’ from his third-grade teacher.

A few final Keyster observations on the 2011 SOTU:

  • All liberals in Congress are old and dour, while the conservatives such as Bachmann, Cantor, Ryan and Rubio are young and attractive
  • BHO’s favorite speech technique is to cite one person’s problems as the reason for a new multi-billion program: “Dwayne Fleibenheimer of Kenosa, Wisconsin  has a bad hangnail.  (Camera pans on Dwayne, looking very concerned).  He told me without access to the new U.S. Center for Nail Disorders, he would have to cut it off with his own clippers. We cannot allow that to happen, not in America.”
  • Obama is “pro-business,” which means he’s in favor of any company that requires government hand-outs to survive, but we can’t tolerate oil companies, insurance companies, banks or any firm that actually makes a profit
  • Michelle was kicky in her pale Rachael Roy dress

Barack Obama (Ind-IL): ‘I’m actually a centrist trying to bring the country together!’

January 21, 2011

Two years ago this week, Barack Hussein Obama (Moderate-IL) began his presidency with an inaugural speech notable for its cliches and for setting a record for personal-pronoun usage (13,272 during the 18-minute address, surpassing Bill Clinton’s second inauguration by more than 500).

The next day, BHO (Centrist-IL) grabbed the now first-fam, topped the tanks on Air Force One and jetted off on his first presidential vacation, leaving Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to actually run the country. During the ensuring 20 months, our new President (Middle of the Road-IL) basically worked on his short irons and took the girls for ice cream. He returned to the White House only to sign bills nationalizing large chunks of the economy and to host White House dinners featuring Justin Bieber and rap impresario Jay Z.

'Sorry about wrecking the country, but I was on vacation!'

The strategy worked to perfection, from the perspective of the global progressive movement. The United States went into the tank, paving the way for new, enlightened nations such as Iran, Venezuela and China to assume their rightful place among the world’s superpowers.

The Barry/Harry/Nancy hydra, unfettered by public opinion and a helpless Republican minority, jammed through hundreds of laws with a common theme of bigger government, higher taxes and less individual freedom. The results were exactly what they wanted:

National debt: $748 octojillion (as of 21 January, 0700 hours)
Private sector Jobs lost: 12,947,426,181,455,022,831
New government workers added: 3,534^10
Dictators appeased: 78
Allies betrayed: We no longer have any allies
Number of times Barbra Streisand sang “People Who Need People” at state dinners: 13

'We can't be listening to radical rightwingers like these extremists!'

But then something unexpected happened to President Obama (Sensible-IL). The great unwashed masses rose up last November 2 and thrashed the progressives at the ballot box. Congressional libs by the dozens, including such lions as David Obey and Russ Feingold, were turned out of office, replaced by actual conservatives.

Suddenly, Barack “Hanging with the Marxists” Obama (Mainstream-IL) got religion. No, he didn’t finally select a church for his annual visit. Rather, BHO (Restrained-IL) this year unveiled his new persona. In essence, our President (Temperate-IL) told the American people “Hey, forget about the two years of hard-line socialist policies, I’m really a ‘let’s reason together’ kind of guy!”

Obama (Rational-IL) wants us to believe he’s ready to work with the Republican majority in the House on areas of common interest. No, we can’t go “backwards” as in actually repealing any of the destructive laws, but he’ll be glad to tweak things a little. For example, let’s change the name of the Death Panels in Obamacare to “Permanent Retirement Counselors.” You know, things Americans who aren’t “extreme” really want.

Amazingly enough, some independent voters (definition: people without actual political convictions) seem to be buying that BHO (Neither Liberal or Conservative-IL) has morphed overnight into a squishy version of George H.W. Bush or Joe Lieberman. But until Obama (Uncontroversial-IL) signs the bill repealing Obamacare, the cornerstone of socialism, the Keyster (Knuckledragger-FL) is skeptical.