Archive for February, 2011

Barack: ‘We’ve got to encourage the protesters in Wisconsin or else those crazy Republicans might actually reduce taxes!’

February 23, 2011

Throughout the Middle East, millions of disaffected citizens are massing in hopes of overthrowing a rogue’s gallery of thugs and dictators.  In Libya, Iran, Yemen and other nations, protesters demanding regime change are being murdered by their own leaders.

'We must preserve the rights of union workers because they pumped a half billion dollars into my last election campaign!'

Meanwhile, brave protesters also took to the streets in Wisconsin, Ohio and Indiana.  These courageous warriors, shrugging off the Midwest winter and their obligation to actually work, have taken to the ramparts to… ensure they never have a co-pay for their health insurance.

Urged on and organized by President Obama and the usual coalition of labor and socialists, the Midwest labor actions are the very antithesis of what’s happening in the Middle East.

The loony left is demanding that government never change, unless it happens to expand.  Public workers are fighting to continue receiving salaries and benefits far beyond what they could get in the private sector; who care if states go belly up, just as long as we get ours!

'It was great of Jesse to take time off from shaking down big companies to support the public unions!'

Things have gotten so desperate for Democrat/labor that they even even dug out Jesse Jackson for some serious rhyming.  Sample: “We won’t pay for health care! The governor is unfair! So we declare, we’ll make ’em despair!  Forget about my affairs, because a shakedown won’t impair!”

Showing all the bravery and integrity of John Edwards using his cancer-stricken wife as a campaign prop, state Democrat lawmakers have fled their states in an hysterical attempt to preserve the status quo.  No sir, we can’t allow people to vote on bills with which we disagree!

The scene in and outside the Capitol buildings in Madison, Columbus and Indianapolis were something right out of that classic Jane Fonda movie of 1974: “Down with the Capitalist Pigs, But Save My Government Grant.”

Along with the predictable signs depicting Republicans as Hitler, Mussolini and Mubarek, there were also physicians handing out bogus medical excuses so teachers wouldn’t be docked any pay for skipping class to shriek in their bullhorns.

Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago when our President lectured America and called for civility in political discourse?  Oops, we forgot that only applies to conservatives.  Our Dear Leader got in the spirit of the moment and called Gov. Walker’s proposal an “assault” on labor.

The end results of the Midwest kerfuffles are critical to the future of our country.  Should labor succeed in overturning the will of the voters and preserve their right to endlessly drain taxpayers, we will resemble Greece, sooner rather than later.  But at least Barry will retain his main source of campaign funding!

Barack: ‘The way to reduce the national debt is by increasing spending and running trillion dollar deficits!’

February 16, 2011

President Obama this week unveiled a budget that he said delivers on his promise of deficit reduction by, well, adding a fresh $1.1 trillion the national debt during the coming year. Our Dear Leader also announced that he’s appointed Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen to his Council of Economic Advisers; both will report to Chairwoman Paris Hilton.

'Star Wars is my favorite movie so we named my new budget after it!'

Barack then held a briefing with his admirers in the White House press corps that was so bizarre, even NBC felt compelled to ask a tough question. With his new nervous cackle, odd cadence and plenty of winks and nods to the “reporters,” Obama did his best to enlist the “media” to help him pull off the biggest scam since Bill Clinton looked the country in the eye… and lied like a second-grader with a pocketful of stolen Skittles.

Having driven the U.S. to the brink of insolvency, Obama and his Democrat allies now actually think voters are stupid enough to believe the solution is for the federal government to spend more and run eternal deficits.

'We've got to spend $53 billion on high-speed rail because Joe Biden loves trains!'

The depressing part: recent polls show more than 50% of likely voters would indeed vote for Obama over any competitor. The Obama supporters also overwhelming said they believe that President Bush time-traveled from the Planet Zorgon just to irritate Michael Moore and Sean Penn.

Obama solemnly talked of the “tough choices” he made in the budget proposal, such as: do I increase funding for the Aid to Dependent Kittens Program by 40% or 50%? The only “tough choice” Barry has made as President is whether to putt or use his pitching wedge from the fringe of the 16th hole at Mink Meadows on Martha’s Vineyard.

'We're gonna need thousands of new IRS agents to collect my new taxes so I designed this recruiting poster!'

Because most readers of the Siesta Keyster don’t have to time to pore over the 800 fetid pages of the Obama budget proposal, we offer these highlights, based on our staff’s meticulous, line-by-line analysis:

  • Number of times federal revenues come within a half trillion dollars of spending in the next 10 years: 0
  • Size of national debt by the time Obama becomes news anchor for ABC in 2016: We are unable to print the number because the Keyster’s hard drive has only 320GB of space available
  • New spending programs: 47,272, including high-speed rail connecting Zolfo Springs and Wachula, “green” technology such as solar iPods, and research into whether the Hokie Pokie is what it’s all about
  • Total tax increases and new “fees”: $157 trillion
  • Funding for Michelle’s pet programs: $29 billion for breast-pump subsidies, $740 million/year for the White House vegetable garden, and $55,700 for automated external defibrillators to revive reporters who swoon over her latest designer dress

You know things are really heading south when the Washington Post (motto: “We’re a Whole Lot Smarter Than You Are Because We Live in Georgetown!”) runs a timid column pointing out that, Mr. President, you really can’t call it deficit reduction when your proposal will double the federal debt in 10 years.

The Dems strategy is transparent: force Republicans to make the budget cuts to forestall financial Armageddon.  Then when each detail emerges, scream like Howard Dean at a horror movie.  Sample: “Republicans want your grandmother to eat kibbles so they can give billionaires tax breaks and free Beluga caviar!!!”

BHO to business: ‘Sure, I believe in free markets, we just can’t have anybody making profits!’

February 11, 2011

Egypt continues to smolder, with everyone furious at the U.S. except the Muslim Brotherhood, which may take over the largest Arab nation thanks to President Obama. The federal debt has roared past the $14 trillion mark, with even Fast Eddy’s Paycheck Loans refusing to front the country any money. Unemployment is stuck at Europe-like levels as U.S. businesses scramble to survive crushing federal regulations and the costs of Obamacare.

'I gave one of my new pins to all the fellas at the Chamber and they loved them!'

And so this week we had President Obama trying to mend fences with the business community. Recall that for the first two years of his reign, BHO regularly savaged every industry from energy to insurance to Timmy’s lemonade stand.

In Obama’s worldview, people who own or run business are “fat cats,” exploiting helpless employees who just want to join unions, drive electric cars, carefully sort their recyclables, floss between meals, and have all their needs met by the federal government. Yes, private business has an important role, but only to generate money for federal programs and finance Democrat political campaigns.

After all, when “Rules for Radicals” by Saul Alinsky was your sole econ text in college, you tend to have a dark view of capitalism.

Last year, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce said “enough” last year and unleashed $100 million in campaign ads to defeat Dems who are destroying the U.S. economy. When the rubble cleared in November, Barry looked around and decided that he was actually a champion of free markets.

'I love small businesses, it's just that we just can't have 'em making all those profits!'

But even in front of the Chamber this week, our President just cannot help himself. After trying to paint himself as a laissez-faire kind of dude, Obama proceeded to lecture biz leaders that it’s their patriotic duty to hire more people, even though business stinks thanks to, ah, Obama!

Oh, and one more thing, Barry told the Chamber. You know those profits you all make from your shameless greed? You gotta distribute them to your workers rather than keep for yourself because you’d only build a new vacation get-away in Aspen or purchase that third Lambo, you capitalist swine.

All the while, the Official Obama Administration Communications Grid (led by the New York Times, NBC, Washington Post, CNN, CBS, ABC and Time) continues to carpet bomb America with stories about how BHO is really a “centrist.”

This happens to be true, as long as you define “centrist” as to the left of Hugo Chavez and Michael Moore. After all, when your idea of capitalism is nationalizing major U.S. companies, mandating salaries and being in contempt of federal courts to stop oil drilling, nobody is going to mistake you for the Donald or Steve Forbes.

Barack: ‘The Muslim Brotherhood is a real swell bunch of fellas!’

February 2, 2011

Ever since the coronation of Barack Obama two years ago, the most dangerous position for any nation is that of  a U.S. ally.  With a foreign policy so incoherent that most Americans think Charlie Sheen is Secretary of State, BHO has been unwavering on just one philosophy: if you’re a friend of the United States, we will get you.

Barack to Hosni: 'I hear that exile in Saudi Arabia can be a load of laughs!'

So when street protests threatened the 29-year rule of Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak, Las Vegas bookmakers established an over/under of five days until Barry threw under the bus the one Middle Eastern dude who’s successfully kept Islamic fanatics at bay.

To be clear: nobody is going to confuse Mubarak with Thomas Jefferson.  He’s an autocratic thug whose sprawling, corrupt government chokes economic opportunities for its citizenry.  Come to think of it, Egypt sounds eerily like the U.S. under the Obama administration.

Back to Mubarak: our last six U.S. Presidents have cozied up to Egypt, making the land of the Pharaohs the second-largest recipient of U.S. foreign aid and advanced weaponry.  In return, Egypt has made peace with Israel and provided a modicum of stability in the world’s most dangerous neighborhood.

But for two years, the world has watched as Obama meekly capitulated to the Chinese, North Koreans, Iranians, Venezuelans, Justin Bieber and every other nation with a dictator in a cheap uniform or polyester jump suit.  After the first protest sign appeared in Cairo, experts knew Mubarak’s U.S. backing was about to go the way of the  Hindenburg.

'Secretary of State Clinton is doing a great job, both sides hate us!'

For a full week, our Dear Leader flopped around like a mullet on the dock, solemnly making inane and non-committal statements such as: “I’m opposed to violence on all sides and today am calling on President Mubarak to refrain from eating Froot Loops until Wednesday.”  But when it became obvious the crowds weren’t going away anytime soon, and without knowing who is behind the protests, Barack blinked and called for Hosni to step down.

Readers of a certain age no doubt have drawn parallels to another Democrat president who blindly supported the removal of a Mid Eastern leader friendly to the U.S.  And today, thanks to The Worst President Until Barack Hussein Obama Came Along, Iran is eagerly nuking up and supporting global jihad while its citizens are brutally repressed by dour old men who yearn for the 12th century.

Recall last year: brave Iranians marched through Tehran calling for freedom and the overthrow of the certifiably insane Ahmadinejad.  Obama naturally went wobbly and supported the “election” of the Holocaust denier, whose fondest wish is nuclear war against Israel and Western nations.  Yet when similar protests happen to an ally, Mubarak gets treated like LeBron James returning to Cleveland.

The Keyster has a sinking feeling the Egyptian story will not have a happy ending, with our hamfisted president managing to alienate both sides of this fight.