Archive for March, 2011

Barack: “My new war in Libya’s going great and I’m hoping for another Nobel peace prize!

March 30, 2011

Our President finally addressed the nation on his war in Libya. In a rambling, hour-long address specifically slotted in before ABC‘s “Dancing with the Czars” (featuring those light-footed Obama appointees Ron Bloom and Todd Stern, who dazzled with their quick step and Viennese waltz, respectively), BHO laid out the mission in Libya.

'As Commander-in-Chief, I've ordered our troops to carry light sabers and extra batteries in case the light goes out!'

Even Barack’s cheerleaders in the New York Times and Washington Post struggled to make sense of the speech.  The Times led off their reporting thusly: “In a performance that showed his steely resolve, unsurpassed leadership skills and six-pack abs, President Obama said the Libyan action is, ah, well, hmm… Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are scary right wingers who want to take away your Social Security!”

For those who missed our Dear Leader’s talk, here is the Siesta Keyster’s concise summary of what scrolled across our Commander in Chief’s ‘prompter this week:

This is a KMA (kinetic military action), which is a lot different from a war because I say so. It is intended to protect civilians from a brutal dictator who must leave office, although he can stay on as far as I’m concerned because we’re certainly not going to bother him. As Americans we must intervene to protect civilians; sure, more than one million Christians have been slaughtered by Jihadist invaders in nearby Darfur and that’s not important because CNN doesn’t have a bureau there. America must not act militarily without full approval of the United Nations, a wonderful organization that can have Libya, China, Pakistan and Cuba on its Human Rights Commission and still keep a straight face. The rebels in Libya are swell guys who just yearn for the right to impose Sharia and behead anyone they disagree with. The KMA will last a matter of days, although it’ll probably drag on for months if not years. The U.S. military, the world’s finest, will be placed under the command of a bunch of Euro-wienies from Brussels who think a Tomahawk missile is a John Wayne movie. Now I’ve got to go, Michelle and I are entertaining P Diddy and J Lo tonight and I’ve got an early tee time tomorrow.

'The U.N. said I could chair a meeting if I put our military under its command!'

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Barack: ‘Being President is great: I get to declare war and go to Ipanema at the same time!’

March 23, 2011

During the nearly three weeks that the Siesta Keyster was away on assignment, President Obama’s legacy grew exponentially. Our 44th president, whose sole qualification for office was that he was “historic,” took actions that presidential scholars will be debating for centuries.

'A lot of people don't know that the Constitution says that presidents have to reveal their brackets on national TV!'

Unfortunately for our Dear Leader, even the committed lefties that own our nation’s ivy-covered halls of higher learning will soon be requiring their students to write 2,500 words on topics such as “Barack Obama: Grossly incompetent or born without a sense of shame?” and “President Obama: Idol or Idle?”

Things have gotten so bad for BHO that even the New York Times (motto: “The News that Ooze!”) gently admonished their hero in an editorial entitled: “The best can still get better.”

'Not too many people get to declare war and teach Brazilian kids how to play soccer!'

So let’s look at the recent “firsts” that Barry racked up to go along with his previous antecedents such as “First President to Take the Oath of Office With His Hand on Rules for Radicals“:

  • First President to declare war while vacationing on a tropical beach
  • First President to declare war and then instantly turn over that war to France or NATO or the UN or Belize or anyone but his own military
  • First President to unveil his NCAA basketball brackets on prime time
  • First President to unveil his NCAA basketball brackets while an ally was in full nuclear meltdown
  • First President to turn an all-sports channel (ESPN) into an arm of his re-election campaign
  • First President to dance the samba and the tango on the same vacation
  • First President to play golf while tens of thousands of Japanese were simultaneously perishing in a natural disaster
  • First President to play more rounds of golf (813 as of March 23) than days in office (791 as of March 23)
  • First President to turn Air Force One into a minivan for his family’s vacation
  • First President to demand that Happy Meals be available on every flight of Air Force One

Barack: ‘The Constitution doesn’t apply to me because I’m a lot smarter than the Founders!’

March 3, 2011

During their campaign to install Barack Obama as president, the U.S. “news” media created a mystique of their guy as a brilliant Constitutional scholar. Although Barry, in his own biographies, admits he spent more time in college pulling on a bong than studying original intent, it became “fact” that Obama was the smartest guy in the room.

'I really smoked 'em at Harvard Law, they even made me editor of the Review!'

We’ll leave it to psychologists to analyze the sort of person who writes two books about himself before the age of 40. However, the Siesta Keyster understands that Snooki is using the same literary agent that peddled Barack’s treatises for her new book, “Pentaquarks: The Search for the Missing Baryon.”

But I digress: because Obama was editor of the Harvard Law Review (motto: “Semper Liberal!”) and can read really well from a teleprompter, the “media” thinks that George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and the other 39 men who signed the Constitution would swoon at our President saying: “Let me be clear, Joe Biden is an expert on high-speed rail because he had a Lionel HO gauge when he was a boy.”

And so today, we have a U.S. President actively in contempt of multiple federal courts and violating his Constitutional duty to uphold laws. In response, the New York Times ran a 12-part series on Congresswoman Michele Bachmann entitled, “She must be dumb because she’s so cute.”

'The Founders were a bunch of white dudes in wigs, so we're rewriting the Constitution to make it better!'

It turns out President Obama doesn’t believe that all that Constitutional verbiage about checks and balances actually applies to him. After all, he’s trying to transform the nation.

So if you’re in contempt of U.S. District Court Judge Martin Feldman about your illegal oil-drilling moratorium, who cares? The most important thing is to jack up gasoline prices so the federal government can sell their $40,000 Chevy Volts (advertising slogan: ‘The Volt: when a golf cart just won’t do”).

It also explains how the Prez can announce last week that he’ll no longer enforce the Defense of Marriage Act (which was signed by noted conservative Bill Clinton) and be cheered on by the “press” corps. The Washington Post immediately ran a front-page story revealing that Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is the love-child of Pol Pot and Imelda Marcos.

That attitude also accounts for the “media” silence that ensued when the White House said it was ignoring a U.S. District Court ruling that Obamacare is not only unconstitutional, it’s a bigger threat to the nation’s health than a BK Monster Thickburger.

The Siesta Keyster has learned exclusively that Dear Leader has tasked AG Eric Holder to rewrite the Constitution to atone for its “negative rights.” We have obtained a draft of their rewrite of the Preamble and present it publicly for the first time.

“We the Progressives of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Global Community, establish Economic Justice, insure domestic Obedience, put everyone on general Welfare, and end the of Blessings of Liberty for those who don’t agree with us, do ordain and establish this Re-Constitution of the United States of America.”