Archive for May, 2011

Barack: ‘I just wish Hamas could have joined me for a Guinness in Ireland, it would have been even more fun!’

May 25, 2011

It was another remarkable week during the increasingly curious reign of Barack Hussein Obama. In the span of just six days, BHO:

  • Demanded that Israel, the only democracy in the Middle East and formerly our closest ally, commit suicide
  • Crudely insulted the U.K., formerly our closest ally in Europe
  • Staged an amateurish media event that involved chugging beer in Ireland (way to be a role model, Barry!), mere hours after the worst tornado in recent U.S. history decimated a Missouri city
  • Committed a gaffe so profound, the mainstream media is still scrambling to cover it up in hopes that the American people won’t learn that our President doesn’t, well, know what year it is
  • 'Bibi didn't like my ideas for destroying Israel but they were really well received in Tehran!"

    Our Dear Leader began his latest misadventures last week by giving a major speech on the Middle East. Any time this president wades into foreign affairs, our allies brace for an assault, while dictators and thugs get ready for their spoils.

    Right on cue, Barack told the world that the official U.S. policy is for Israel to be sliced in two, submit to terrorists who dream of killing every Jew in the world, and honestly, just disappear so the peace-loving Palestinians can become an Iranian satellite state dedicated to expanding the global market for IEDs.

    Here’s the Siesta Keyster’s one-sentence summary of President Obama’s plan for peace in the Middle East: “All Israel has to do is hand over the West Bank, Jerusalem and all its military assets to Hamas, and I’ll get another Nobel Peace Prize!”

    The next day, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu demonstrated to Barry and the world what a leader looks like. In nine spellbinding minutes, Bibi politely, but forcefully, told Obama that everything that BHO proposed the day before was “not going to happen” because it would mean the end of Israel.

    Our president — legs crossed like a woman, face pinched, fist jammed into mouth — resembled a McDonald’s employee being reprimanded for not properly cleaning the fryer grease drain. While Obama’s news-media supporters screeched about a foreign leader insulting their guy, Obama, as he always does when he screws up domestically, fled from the room shouting “road trip!”

    ''The beer they served me in Ireland was warm but I didn't have the heart to tell them because I need the Irish vote in 2012!'

    The next thing we know, O’Bama was pounding Guinness in some damp Irish hamlet, celebrating his Irish roots while Katie Couric and company swooned over his statesmanlike alcohol consumption. Is it just the Keyster, but does Obama have roots in Kenya, Indonesia, Hawaii, Egypt, Germany, Bahrain, Monaco, Tuvalu, Liechtenstein and every other backwater where a U.S. voter might have ancestors?

    The smartest guy in the room

    But our feckless prez was not done. As he and Michelle madly toured the U.K., he signed the guest book at Westminster Abbey “24 May 2008.” The news media, of course, pounced on his stunning miscue with front-page stories about how ignorant Sarah Palin is because she likes to hunt.

    And finally, Barry shredded protocol in England yesterday when his toast to Queen Elizabeth careened off the tracks. In response, the New York Times ran an investigative piece on how Herman Cain actually isn’t black because he’s conservative.


    Keyster to Barack: ‘Good job letting the SEALs do their jobs, now grow up’

    May 18, 2011

    Loyal readers of the Siesta Keyster may have noticed that our commentary about President Obama can, on rare occasion, get a little blunt. While our goal is to provide you with fact-based analysis of current and political affairs, there have been times when we regrettably failed to meet the exceedingly high standards by which we judge ourselves.

    Barack: 'I've changed my campaign materials for 2012 to remind voters how tough I am!'

    In all candor, last November we crossed the line of edifying political discourse when we opined: “Obama combines the leadership skills of Barney Fife, the courage of Neville Chamberlain and the charm of Pol Pot.”

    Further, we are not proud that last January, when discussing BHO’s economic policies, we wrote: “By comparison, our Dear Leader makes Zimbabwean nut job Robert Mugabe look like Arthur Laffer. If Barry has his way, we’ll be soon paying $100 trillion for a loaf of bread at a dreary government store, just like the traumatized residents of Harare.”

    'Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts...'

    While it is unlikely the editorial board of the Siesta Keyster will endorse BHO in the 2012 presidental election, we also are honest enough to commend him in the unlikely event he makes a good decision. So for the first time since January 20, 2009, the Keyster says: “Well done, Mr. President. You let the courageous SEALs take out a vicious murderer and enemy of freedom.”

    However, in the spirit of objectivity, we also must gently remind readers that that eliminating OBL does not in any way negate this fact: Barack Obama is, without question, the worst president in U.S. history. As in atrocious, abominable, awful, dreadful, pitiful, lousy, rotten and fetid.

    Only Obama has the audacity to take the SEALs success — something the world has anticipated for nine years — and make it a hyper-partisan campaign platform. From our strictly impartial and unbiased perspective: his childish victory laps and crude attempts to politically capitalize on the SEAL double-tap makes Pee Wee Herman look like Winston Churchill.

    'I've really matured as president; I didn't even get mad when the SEALs interrupted my golf game!'

    The wreckage the Obama administration has strewn throughout this country and the world will reverberate for generations. The Keyster archives are chock-a-block with data concerning the appalling impact of BHO’s policies on everything from the economy to national security. Decorum prevents us from listing them all in a single article without providing grief counselors for every reader, or at least flight bags.

    So if we have, at times, been indiscreet in our treatment of our 44th president, we humbly ask your forgiveness. Our goal is to dispassionately bring you insights and commentary, so the unmitigated fiasco that is Barack Obama is not repeated by gullible voters on November 6, 2012.

    Objectively yours,

    The Siesta Keyster