Archive for June, 2011

Finally, NBC and the Times have their GOP candidate: Jon Huntsman enter prez race

June 28, 2011

The Republican field hoping to challenge President Obama in 2012 is getting more crowded than a Calcutta flash mob. And with Texas Governor Rick Perry and Sarah Palin still possibly joining the scrum, the next GOP presidential debate could resemble the start of the New York City Marathon, although most of the candidates hopefully won’t wear singlets.

But no matter how many, the Siesta Keyster staff is committed to bringing you fact-based analysis of every candidate seeking the Highest Office in the Land… a somewhat unfortunate title, given President Obama’s self-chronicled fondness for recreational drugs while in college.

So we’re pleased to bring you the fifth of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012. To date, we’ve detailed Michele Bachmann, Herman ‘The Pizzanator’ Cain, Newtonian Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty, Paul Ron, Glove Romney and Rick Santorum. And, of course, the Keyster has dedicated billions of pixels delivering calm, objective analysis of President Obama and his policies.

So let’s meet the latest official Republican presidential candidate.

Great hair, great family, great results while governor: but can Jon Huntsman overcome the specter of you-know-who lurking in the background?

JON HUNTSMAN
Full name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Jon Meade Huntsman, Jr.
Age: 51
Background: Two term-governor of Utah (2005-2009); Ambassador to China under President Obama from 2009 to April 2011; also served in the Reagan, Bush (41) and Bush (43) administrations; father is billionaire founder of Huntsman Corp., a global chemical company; speaks Mandarin Chinese and is proficient with chopsticks; he and wife Mary Kaye have seven children
Strengths: Dropped out of high school to play keyboards in rock band, Wizard; credited with enacting the largest tax cut in Utah history and running budget surpluses; big appeal to liberal Republicans because of “centrist” social positions; darling of the mainstream media because he announced he would be nice to President Obama; youngest daughter is named Asha
Weaknesses: Opposed by animal-rights voters because of last name; viewed by most conservatives as the next John McCain or Bob Dole, minus the war heroism; believer in the global-warming scam; any Republican who gets favorable coverage from the New York Times must be viewed with deep suspicion; first name is mysteriously missing an “h”
Compared to Obama: 6.3278950012 billion times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “At least with me there’s a chance I’ll make the right decision!”

Michele Bachmann enters GOP race: the Siesta Keyster is there with full coverage

June 20, 2011

The race for the Republican nomination to challenge incumbent President Obama is heating up.  Since we published the third of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012, another contender has emerged and Texas Governor Rick Perry may be next to formally declare.

Meanwhile, BHO’s approval numbers keep sliding.  In the latest Siesta Keyster-Wall Street Journal-Marvel Comics poll, the percent of likely voters who think the “economy is on the right track” came in at .07%  (those responding in the affirmative were George Soros, Wassy Debraman Shultz and Sponge Bob). And a startling 121% of respondents said that Barack is doing either a “horrendous” or “putrid” job as president.

Can the news media prop up President Obama even as his poll number plummet?

In response, NBC Nightly News led off its broadcast with this story:
“A new poll out today shows that support for President Obama — the greatest president this nation has ever known — has declined just the teeniest wee bit, completely to be expected at this point of his glorious reign. But it’s only because slimebag Republicans keep lying about how everything like the economy is his fault. Every single expert in the world agrees that President Bush actually is responsible and President Obama is only trying to fix the mess Bush left him. Now that we’ve cleared that up, here’s a special report from Todd Chuck: Todd, I understand you’ve discovered that Sarah Palin has been found in possession of an SUV and, most shockingly, it’s American made…”

So let’s meet the first woman to join increasingly crowded GOP field that includes Herman Cain, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingivitus.

Michele Bachmann: the fiesty Minnesotan hopes to reverse the destructive policies of the Obama administration

MICHELE BACHMANN
Age:55
Background: Three-term U.S. Representative from Minnesota; first woman to represent Minnesota in Congress; worked on a kibbutz in Israel after high school; law degrees from Oral Roberts and William & Mary Universities; she and husband Marcus have five children and have been foster parents to 23 other children; part owner of a dairy farm in Waumandee, Wisconsin
Strengths: On the correct side of virtually every issue including the national debt, energy, abortion, taxes, government regulations, deficit spending and ice fishing; fearless; loves to mix it up with the libs; the mention of her name sends the mainstream media into fits of rage and fury; Minnesota State Fair offers all-you-can-drink milk for .$25
Weaknesses: First name is mysteriously missing an “l”; White House doesn’t have enough bedrooms for all of her foster children; while a Minnesota state senator, failed to correct egregious error on state’s license plate (there are actually 11,842 lakes in Minnesota, not “10,000”)
Compared to Obama: 10^10^100 times better (exactly one googolplex)
Suggested campaign slogan: “Driving Chris, Katie, Keith, Brian, George and the rest of the media bonkers since 2006!”

‘You Decide 2012’: The Keyster analyzes Ron Paul and Rick Santorum

June 13, 2011

In our third installment of the Siesta Keyster’s Special Reports: You Decide 2012, we meet the next two Republicans vying to take on President Obama in 2012. Before we dig into the candidates, we should clarify the research methodology used during our review of the entire GOP field.

First, we are only analyzing candidates who have formally launched their presidential campaigns.

The FEC partners with 'community organizations' such as ACORN to 'get out the vote'

Becoming an official presidential candidate is a complicated legal process that begins with notifying the Federal Election Commission (FEC) once you receive $5,000 in campaign contributions or spend that amount on a federal campaign.

The candidate then has 15 days to file FEC Form 2 (Statement of Inflated Ego). Next, they have 10 days to submit FEC Form 11 (Statement of Candidate Cliches) declaring that they won’t use any words that actually have any meaning or substance.

The final step is to appear on-air with Katie Couric, where there are two processes depending on party affiliation. Democrat candidates are asked questions from FEC Form 103(a) (Softballs for Caring Liberals) while Republicans must answer from FEC Form 103(b) (Exposing Knuckledraggers).

So far, much-discussed potential candidates such as Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann have not registered with the FEC. The Keyster will bring you full reports should they or any other Republicans formally “toss their hat into the ring” (Editor’s note: This phrase originated in 149 AD when Flavius Flatuleous, who aspired to be a Roman senator, hurled the slave Tiberius Hattus from the top of the Coliseum to signify his candidacy).

With that as background, let’s meet our next two contenders:

Will the third time be the charm for libertarian-leaning Ron Paul?

RON PAUL
Full Name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Ronald Ernest Paul
Age: 75
Background: Congressman, 14th District of Texas; received MD degree from Duke; clinical pediatrician and obstetrician in 1960s and 1970s; U.S. Air Force flight surgeon during Vietnam War; first elected to Congress in 1976; presidential candidate in 1988 and 2008
Strengths: Known as “intellectual godfather” of the Tea Party; was conservative before it was cool; strict Constitutionalist; inspires zealous support; middle son elected to U.S. Senate in 2010; hails from the state that invented the chimichanga
Weaknesses: Unknown whether people will vote for a man with two first names; tragically missed a typo on middle son’s birth certificate that resulted in him being named “Rand” instead of “Randy”
Compared to Obama: 142,179,2241³ times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “If it ain’t in the Constitution, I ain’t doin’ it!”

Can Rick Santorum broaden his appeal beyond the 'values voters'?

RICK SANTORUM
Age: 53
Background: Served two terms as a U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania and two terms as a U.S. Representative; he and wife Karen have seven children; currently practices law and does radio and television commentary
Strengths: Strong appeal to values voters; likely the most pro-life presidential candidate ever; doesn’t back down or compromise on moral issues; lives in Pennsylvania, home of the cheesesteak; looks like a computer nerd
Weaknesses: Lost his last election by 18 points to squishy liberal Bob Casey; last name sounds like a hospital for TB patients
Compared to Obama: Functionally the anti-Obama on every issue, especially societal; our mainframe computer lacks sufficient processing power to determine how much better Santorum is
Suggested campaign slogan: “I may be obscure, but I’m right!”

Breakin’ down the GOP: Mitt and Newt under the microscope

June 7, 2011

Today, the staff at the Siesta Keyster brings you part two of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012. Following last week’s fact-based analyses of Republican candidates Herman Cain and Tim Pawlenty, we realized that many conservatives are experiencing ennui about those seeking to depose President Obama.

Conservatives are growing anxious over who will lead the Republicans to victory in 2012

With no clear frontrunner, fear is ripe that Republicans will nominate another powder puff like John McCain for Obama and his “news” media partners to shred into candidate coleslaw. People anxiously await somebody to emerge from the pack, to combine the policy bona fides with the combativeness necessary to overcome BHO.

While we pride ourselves on objectivity at the Keyster, we offer this opinion before we break down our next two candidates: whoever prevails during the GOP food-fight primaries, will be the 45th president providing:
1. They know what year it is, unlike the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
2. They know that there are 50 states, unlike the 44th president
3. They are not afraid to forcefully make the case that Obama is TWPE*

So let’s meet the next two Republicans aspiring to be the leader of the free world:

Can Mitt overcome the dismal reality of Romneycare?

MITT ROMNEY
Full Name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Willard Mitt Romney
Age: 64
Background: Governor of Massachusetts 2003-2007; former CEO of investment firm Bain & Co.; organized the highly successful 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City; obviously unqualified to be president because he didn’t launch his political career in the living room of a terrorist
Strengths: Proven job creator and business builder; has great hair; knows the difference between a toe loop and an axel; can self-finance his campaign; named his oldest son Tagg
Weaknesses: Instituted socialized medicine in Massachusetts, which now has the highest medical costs in the nation; uncertain that people will vote for a man named after a baseball glove
Compared to Barack Obama: 77 trillion times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Sure, I’m a little strange, but at least I’m not in this for the money!”

Newt and Calista Gingrich: Is America ready for a thrice-divorced prez?

NEWT GINGRICH
Full name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Newton Leroy Gingrich
Age: 67
Background: Speaker of the House 1994-1998; lifelong politician, first elected to Congress in 1978; author, speaker and television commentator; obviously unqualified to be president because he attended only Southern universities
Strengths: A ferocious debater who doesn’t require a teleprompter to be eloquent; proven fiscal hawk; led conservative takeover of Congress in 1994; name can be rearranged to spell “went”
Weaknesses: Unclear whether people want a president named after a reptile; divorced more often than Liz Taylor; wrong on a host of important issues from health care to ethanol subsidies to climate change; looks like Charlie Brown with a silver wig
Compared to Obama: 1,563,906.032 times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Not the best, just better than Barack!”

*The worst president ever

The Siesta Keyster breaks down the GOP presidential field: let’s meet Herman and Tim

June 1, 2011

Over the last 28 months, the investigative team at the Siesta Keyster has brought you gigabytes of data on Barack Obama. We’ve objectively reported on his programs and policies, both domestic and foreign, in our ceaseless quest to provide readers with fact-based analysis on which to base their electoral decision in the 2012 presidential election.

Today, we release the first of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012 on GOP candidates for the highest-office in the land. We’ll break down their strengths, weaknesses, major policy platforms and the all-important intangibles — personal traits that a man or woman should possess to be Leader of the Free World.

After watching President Obama put this nation through a wood chipper since January 2009, it’s tempting to assume that Republicans could nominate the Michelin Man or Kim Jong-il and still win the presidency.

However, remember that this is a country where The Hangover Part II was by far the top-grossing movie last week and Lady Gaga is regarded by many as a role model. If that’s not enough to have you file for emigrant status for Australia, here are three more terrifying words that demonstrate the trouble we’re in: Senator Al Franken.

Yes, it’s time to engage in the most-important election in U.S. history. So let’s meet the first two Republications vying for our support in November 2012.

Herman Cain: Ready and able to restore America's greatness


HERMAN CAIN
Age: 65
Background: Former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza; chairman of the Board of Directors of the Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank; mathematician for U.S. Navy; obviously unqualified because he’s never been a community organizer
Strengths: Smart; articulate; witty; created jobs, built businesses; correct on almost every major position from foreign policy to abortion; offered free garlic rolls with the purchase of two large pizzas; libs will go crazy trying to play the race card
Weaknesses: Once sold a pizza with anchovies; distant relative murdered his brother and lied about it
Compared to Barack Obama: 4,321 quadrillion times better
Suggested Campaign Slogan: “After Church on Sunday, I’ll Work for You, Not Go Golfing Like You Know Who!”

T-Paw: Is America ready for a leader who can filet a walleye?

TIM PAWLENTY

Age: 50
Background: Governor of Minnesota 2003-2011; vice president software company; labor attorney; entered politics in 1992; obviously unqualified because he held jobs in the private sector
Strengths: Calm; reasoned; best nickname among presidential contenders, T-Paw; able to win election in state that foisted both Jesse Ventura and Al Franken on us
Weaknesses: Thinks the annual smelt run should be a national holiday; once attended a Democratic Farmer-Labor Party bean feed before taking his wife out on their anniversary dinner
Compared to Barack Obama: 137 octojillion times better
Suggested Campaign Slogan: “After Obama We Need a Dull Dude!”