Breakin’ down the GOP: Mitt and Newt under the microscope

Today, the staff at the Siesta Keyster brings you part two of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012. Following last week’s fact-based analyses of Republican candidates Herman Cain and Tim Pawlenty, we realized that many conservatives are experiencing ennui about those seeking to depose President Obama.

Conservatives are growing anxious over who will lead the Republicans to victory in 2012

With no clear frontrunner, fear is ripe that Republicans will nominate another powder puff like John McCain for Obama and his “news” media partners to shred into candidate coleslaw. People anxiously await somebody to emerge from the pack, to combine the policy bona fides with the combativeness necessary to overcome BHO.

While we pride ourselves on objectivity at the Keyster, we offer this opinion before we break down our next two candidates: whoever prevails during the GOP food-fight primaries, will be the 45th president providing:
1. They know what year it is, unlike the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
2. They know that there are 50 states, unlike the 44th president
3. They are not afraid to forcefully make the case that Obama is TWPE*

So let’s meet the next two Republicans aspiring to be the leader of the free world:

Can Mitt overcome the dismal reality of Romneycare?

MITT ROMNEY
Full Name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Willard Mitt Romney
Age: 64
Background: Governor of Massachusetts 2003-2007; former CEO of investment firm Bain & Co.; organized the highly successful 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City; obviously unqualified to be president because he didn’t launch his political career in the living room of a terrorist
Strengths: Proven job creator and business builder; has great hair; knows the difference between a toe loop and an axel; can self-finance his campaign; named his oldest son Tagg
Weaknesses: Instituted socialized medicine in Massachusetts, which now has the highest medical costs in the nation; uncertain that people will vote for a man named after a baseball glove
Compared to Barack Obama: 77 trillion times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Sure, I’m a little strange, but at least I’m not in this for the money!”

Newt and Calista Gingrich: Is America ready for a thrice-divorced prez?

NEWT GINGRICH
Full name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Newton Leroy Gingrich
Age: 67
Background: Speaker of the House 1994-1998; lifelong politician, first elected to Congress in 1978; author, speaker and television commentator; obviously unqualified to be president because he attended only Southern universities
Strengths: A ferocious debater who doesn’t require a teleprompter to be eloquent; proven fiscal hawk; led conservative takeover of Congress in 1994; name can be rearranged to spell “went”
Weaknesses: Unclear whether people want a president named after a reptile; divorced more often than Liz Taylor; wrong on a host of important issues from health care to ethanol subsidies to climate change; looks like Charlie Brown with a silver wig
Compared to Obama: 1,563,906.032 times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Not the best, just better than Barack!”

*The worst president ever

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