‘You Decide 2012’: The Keyster analyzes Ron Paul and Rick Santorum

In our third installment of the Siesta Keyster’s Special Reports: You Decide 2012, we meet the next two Republicans vying to take on President Obama in 2012. Before we dig into the candidates, we should clarify the research methodology used during our review of the entire GOP field.

First, we are only analyzing candidates who have formally launched their presidential campaigns.

The FEC partners with 'community organizations' such as ACORN to 'get out the vote'

Becoming an official presidential candidate is a complicated legal process that begins with notifying the Federal Election Commission (FEC) once you receive $5,000 in campaign contributions or spend that amount on a federal campaign.

The candidate then has 15 days to file FEC Form 2 (Statement of Inflated Ego). Next, they have 10 days to submit FEC Form 11 (Statement of Candidate Cliches) declaring that they won’t use any words that actually have any meaning or substance.

The final step is to appear on-air with Katie Couric, where there are two processes depending on party affiliation. Democrat candidates are asked questions from FEC Form 103(a) (Softballs for Caring Liberals) while Republicans must answer from FEC Form 103(b) (Exposing Knuckledraggers).

So far, much-discussed potential candidates such as Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann have not registered with the FEC. The Keyster will bring you full reports should they or any other Republicans formally “toss their hat into the ring” (Editor’s note: This phrase originated in 149 AD when Flavius Flatuleous, who aspired to be a Roman senator, hurled the slave Tiberius Hattus from the top of the Coliseum to signify his candidacy).

With that as background, let’s meet our next two contenders:

Will the third time be the charm for libertarian-leaning Ron Paul?

RON PAUL
Full Name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Ronald Ernest Paul
Age: 75
Background: Congressman, 14th District of Texas; received MD degree from Duke; clinical pediatrician and obstetrician in 1960s and 1970s; U.S. Air Force flight surgeon during Vietnam War; first elected to Congress in 1976; presidential candidate in 1988 and 2008
Strengths: Known as “intellectual godfather” of the Tea Party; was conservative before it was cool; strict Constitutionalist; inspires zealous support; middle son elected to U.S. Senate in 2010; hails from the state that invented the chimichanga
Weaknesses: Unknown whether people will vote for a man with two first names; tragically missed a typo on middle son’s birth certificate that resulted in him being named “Rand” instead of “Randy”
Compared to Obama: 142,179,2241³ times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “If it ain’t in the Constitution, I ain’t doin’ it!”

Can Rick Santorum broaden his appeal beyond the 'values voters'?

RICK SANTORUM
Age: 53
Background: Served two terms as a U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania and two terms as a U.S. Representative; he and wife Karen have seven children; currently practices law and does radio and television commentary
Strengths: Strong appeal to values voters; likely the most pro-life presidential candidate ever; doesn’t back down or compromise on moral issues; lives in Pennsylvania, home of the cheesesteak; looks like a computer nerd
Weaknesses: Lost his last election by 18 points to squishy liberal Bob Casey; last name sounds like a hospital for TB patients
Compared to Obama: Functionally the anti-Obama on every issue, especially societal; our mainframe computer lacks sufficient processing power to determine how much better Santorum is
Suggested campaign slogan: “I may be obscure, but I’m right!”

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