Finally, NBC and the Times have their GOP candidate: Jon Huntsman enter prez race

The Republican field hoping to challenge President Obama in 2012 is getting more crowded than a Calcutta flash mob. And with Texas Governor Rick Perry and Sarah Palin still possibly joining the scrum, the next GOP presidential debate could resemble the start of the New York City Marathon, although most of the candidates hopefully won’t wear singlets.

But no matter how many, the Siesta Keyster staff is committed to bringing you fact-based analysis of every candidate seeking the Highest Office in the Land… a somewhat unfortunate title, given President Obama’s self-chronicled fondness for recreational drugs while in college.

So we’re pleased to bring you the fifth of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012. To date, we’ve detailed Michele Bachmann, Herman ‘The Pizzanator’ Cain, Newtonian Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty, Paul Ron, Glove Romney and Rick Santorum. And, of course, the Keyster has dedicated billions of pixels delivering calm, objective analysis of President Obama and his policies.

So let’s meet the latest official Republican presidential candidate.

Great hair, great family, great results while governor: but can Jon Huntsman overcome the specter of you-know-who lurking in the background?

Full name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Jon Meade Huntsman, Jr.
Age: 51
Background: Two term-governor of Utah (2005-2009); Ambassador to China under President Obama from 2009 to April 2011; also served in the Reagan, Bush (41) and Bush (43) administrations; father is billionaire founder of Huntsman Corp., a global chemical company; speaks Mandarin Chinese and is proficient with chopsticks; he and wife Mary Kaye have seven children
Strengths: Dropped out of high school to play keyboards in rock band, Wizard; credited with enacting the largest tax cut in Utah history and running budget surpluses; big appeal to liberal Republicans because of “centrist” social positions; darling of the mainstream media because he announced he would be nice to President Obama; youngest daughter is named Asha
Weaknesses: Opposed by animal-rights voters because of last name; viewed by most conservatives as the next John McCain or Bob Dole, minus the war heroism; believer in the global-warming scam; any Republican who gets favorable coverage from the New York Times must be viewed with deep suspicion; first name is mysteriously missing an “h”
Compared to Obama: 6.3278950012 billion times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “At least with me there’s a chance I’ll make the right decision!”


2 Responses to “Finally, NBC and the Times have their GOP candidate: Jon Huntsman enter prez race”

  1. CE Says:

    Dear Mr. Key Ster,

    I have thoroughly enjoyed your objective presentation of these candidates. Although any of them would be preferable to the dangerous doofus currently in office, my personal preference has not yet been profiled in your columns. Of course I speak of Ms. Autumn Gutsche (disclosure: we are related). Not only does Autumn reliably produce beautiful turquoise colored eggs on a regular basis, she also cuts a mysterious, yet confident presence around the coop. As far as I can tell, her economic background and experience is about the same as the BHO. However, I do not believe she has the intent of destroying this country and most of its 250 year old traditions, thereby setting her apart from the current White House resident. Therefore, I submit her as a candidate offering signicant improvement over Mr. Obama. Follow her and her positions on Twitter and Facebook. Campaign donations can kindly be addressed and sent to her mentor, Mr. S. Gutsche. Checks of all sizes gratefully and cheerfully accepted!

    • The Keyster Says:

      dear Chicken Emperor,
      Thank you for your thoughtful suggestion to have Autumn Gutsche run for president. While I have no doubt that her economic prowess exceeds that of our Dear Leader, I cannot allow our website to collect contributions for individual candidates. We must maintain our objectivity. Our readers expect nothing less. We wish you the best of luck with the campaign and when you file with the FEC, we will be pleased to provide a fact-based analysis of Autumn for our readers’ enlightenment.

      I remain,
      The Keyster

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: