Archive for July, 2011

The Siesta Keyster’s handy guide to the debt-ceiling ‘crisis’

July 30, 2011

For the last couple of months, Americans have been pummeled unmercifully with a raging debate about the federal debt.   After a five-year spending orgy that began when Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the House and accelerated under President Obama like a 17-year old with a Lamborghini, we  now stand at the edge of the fiscal cliff… at least, that’s what the political class wants us to believe.

Playing the starring role in this farce is our Wastrel in Chief.  Sure, he flushed trillions of taxpayer funds down the federal crapper (TARP, QE1 and 2, ‘stimulus’ bills, cash for clunkers, green ‘jobs,’ Michelle’s vegetable garden, etc.), established European levels of unemployment and turned an already bloated federal government into Jabba the Hutt.

The federal government has an insatiable appetite for taxes and Barack and the Dems want to feed it

But Barry can read polls.  If he hopes to live in government housing through 2016, he knows he’d better morph into Barack the Fiscal Hawk.   His strategy: take to the podium daily and declare that unless Congress raises taxes by the completely arbitrary deadline of August 2, the U.S. economy will crater, and seniors and the military will be forced to subsist on Kibbles n Bits.  Who needs a plan!

The Keyster doesn’t wish to be harsh. But objectively, with this performance, Obama now has moved into the top  five of the Worst World Leaders of All Time, passing Vlad the Impaler.

Barack: 'We don't have a spending problem, we just need higher taxes!'

The Siesta Keyster, like most people outside the Beltway, is weary. Our heads ache. Because, the solution is so glaringly simple, any second-grader could fix this ‘crisis’ in about five seconds.


That’s it. It’s doesn’t require the ‘brilliance’ of Timmy Geithner, who refuses to pay his own taxes, or the political ‘savvy’ of Harry Reid, who had to bribe his own party members to jam ObamaCare down the throats of us poor saps who’ll suffer so grievously under it.

But this is happening in Washington D.C. and many of the people people involved in the debate actually aren’t concerned  about debt.  Instead, they are focused on the 2012 elections like Scrat from the Ice Age movies on an acorn.

So we asked our Washington Bureau to prepare this:

Siesta Keyster’s Pocket Guide to the Debt-Ceiling Debate

The issue: President Obama and the Dems have grown the national debt by 50% and wants to escalate it by a couple trillion, right now. Unless Congress authorizes Barry to borrow more, the U.S. will be in the same horrible situation faced by every private business and household in America… having to live within its means

The players and their positions:
President Obama: Raise taxes, keep spending until all wealth is transferred to the feds… except for the pile belonging to George Soros, the SEIU and Warren Buffett, so they can finance his campaign
Democrats: Raise taxes, keep spending, call Republicans racist radicals for proposing to cut so much as $.10 from high-speed rail
Republicans: Cut spending, no new taxes and reduce the size of federal government
The media: We support Barry-Harry-and-Nancy, no matter how often they change positions, because evil conservatives want to kill grandmothers and puppies!

The competing plans:
The Obama ‘plan’: Demonize Republicans; attend fundraisers; golf; make plans for huge 50th birthday party (also a fundraiser); go on vacation to Martha’s Vineyard
Republican/Boehner Plan: The House passed Cut-Cap-and-Balance; then passed the Boehner plan to at least start spending less; no new taxes
Democrat/Reid ‘plan’: Demonize Republicans; propose bogus spending ‘cuts’; hike taxes; increase the national debt until the U.S. has the financial integrity of Zimbabwe and Somalia


You Decide 2012: how does Obama stack up against Republicans?

July 14, 2011

During the last six weeks, the Siesta Keyster staff has brought you complete analysis of each FEC-certified GOP presidential candidate. It’s been quite a journey, as we sifted through terabytes of data to prepare reports on Glove Romney, T-Paw, the Pizzanator, Gingivitis, T-Mac, Michele Missing an L, Rick Sanatorium and PaulRon.

In the interest of balance (and completely unrelated to the cease-and-desist letter we received from the Federal Communications Commission), we are pleased to offer the Democrat candidate for president the same impartial, reasonable, fair-minded, non-discriminatory, unbiased, objective, dispassionate, honest and evenhanded coverage that we afforded Republicans.

After wrecking the economy and trashing allies, a president needs several vacations each year

Unlike, say, Thaddeus McCotter, Barack Obama is no stranger to Americans. Ever since he began his campaign for president shortly after junior high school, BHO has received more extensive and more positive media coverage than any American in history.

As president, Obama has read roughly 14.72 million speeches from his teleprompter, 98.7% of which were carried live on NBC (National Barack Channel), ABC (Adoring Barack Constantly), CBS (Cowardly Barack Sycophants). The editorial staff of the New York Times and the Obama reelection headquarters are linked together via powerful Cisco servers to ensure seamless integration of messaging.

So when President Obama calls a military person a “corpse-man” rather than a corpsman, forgets what year it is or crassly insults Special Olympians, more than 3,200 “reporters” from Los Angeles to Boston instantly go into damage control for the “smartest guy in the room.” Here’s a partial list of Obama’s gaffes, courtesy of Human Events. So let’s meet the Democrat candidate for president:


Full name, which doesn’t explain why Republicans are called racist if they use it: Barack Hussein Obama II
Age: 49
Background: POTUS since January 2009; U.S. Senator from Illinois, January 20, 2005 to January 21, 2005 when he formally announced he was running for president; “community organizer” (i.e., taxpayer funded “job”) in Chicago from 1985-1988; undergraduate studies at Occidental College and Columbia, where he dropped his lifelong nickname of Barry; law degree from Harvard; wrote the first of 21 books about himself, Dreams of My Father, at age 9; he and wife Michelle have two children; acknowledged heavy user of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, PCP, meth, ecstasy, psilocybin, LSD, angel dust, hash, horse tranquilizers, paint thinner and roofing shingles; holds presidential record for rounds of golf played while in office
Strengths: Solid fall-away jumper
Weaknesses: Ran up more than $4 trillion in debt in just over two years; destroyed 9 million U.S. jobs; enacted more than six quadrillion pages of new federal regulations; thinks Joe Biden has more native intelligence than cabbage; talks with his nose pointing straight up; significantly weakened America abroad by allowing Iran to nuke up, appeasing China and every other dictatorship, savaging all allies from Israel to the U.K., and publicly dancing the samba in Brazil; wrong on every major issue including the economy, defense, “green” jobs, abortion, the role of government, taxes, high-speed rail, and government regulation of everything from light bulbs to free speech to food choices; attended a racist, anti-American, anti-Semite church for 20 years and said he never noticed
Compared to any Republican: −12710 (−2) times worse
Suggested campaign slogan: “In four more years, I can finish this place off!”

Thaddeus joins GOP race: the Keyster is there with full on-the-scene analysis

July 5, 2011

For the past six weeks, the Siesta Keyster investigative team has focused exclusively on introducing readers to the ever-expanding field of Republican presidential candidates.   Another GOPer has declared and we’re honoring our commitment to be there with insights and analysis of every presidential contender, no matter how long the list.

Obamanonics at work

Unfortunately, like most American businesses (with the exception of teleprompter repair firms, federal unions and food-stamp printers), we have suffered most grievously in the Keynesian nightmare of President Obama and the Dems.

While we have focused on Republicans, our Dear Leader has not been idle. He continues to appease dictators, fight for higher taxes and spending, and attack capitalism between golfing, vacations with the fam, and fundraising.

In this economic environment, we simply don’t have the human and fiscal resources available to chronicle both BHO’s follies and Republican aspirants at the same time. But still your hearts: when the GOP field stabilizes,  we again will provide the comprehensive coverage and dispassionate scrutiny of our 44th president that readers have come to expect.

Can McCotter hit the right notes with an electorate that knows nothing about him?

So let’s meet the latest candidate hoping to toss Barry out of the White House:


Age: 45
Full name, which is why he shouldn’t use it: Thaddeus George McCotter
Background: Five-term Congressman from Michigan’s 11th district; earned B.A. and law degrees from the University of Detroit; entered politics as a county commissioner in 1992, served in the Michigan senate and was elected to Congress in 2002; he and wife Rita have three children; plays lead guitar in the Second Amendments, a Congressional band formed to entertain troops; President Bush called him “the guitar dude”
Strengths: Wields a Telecaster with an American flag painted on it; has vigorously opposed the Obama-Pelosi-Reid agenda; not afraid to stand up to liberal mobs and thugs; quickly rose to be a driver of the conservative agenda in Congress; can play an E9(b5) chord; 100% rating from the National Right to Life Committee; hails from the state that gave the country Shredded Wheat
Weaknesses: Will independents vote for a man named Thaddeus?; has lower name recognition than insurance salesman Filbert Berkowitz from Mullen, Nebraska; voted for “card check” legislation that would eliminate secret ballots in union elections; Michigan foisted Michael Moore and Madonna on us
Compared to Obama: 7,980,002,8790,229,763,210 times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Vote for Thad, he’ll repeal Obama’s bad!”