You Decide 2012: how does Obama stack up against Republicans?

During the last six weeks, the Siesta Keyster staff has brought you complete analysis of each FEC-certified GOP presidential candidate. It’s been quite a journey, as we sifted through terabytes of data to prepare reports on Glove Romney, T-Paw, the Pizzanator, Gingivitis, T-Mac, Michele Missing an L, Rick Sanatorium and PaulRon.

In the interest of balance (and completely unrelated to the cease-and-desist letter we received from the Federal Communications Commission), we are pleased to offer the Democrat candidate for president the same impartial, reasonable, fair-minded, non-discriminatory, unbiased, objective, dispassionate, honest and evenhanded coverage that we afforded Republicans.

After wrecking the economy and trashing allies, a president needs several vacations each year

Unlike, say, Thaddeus McCotter, Barack Obama is no stranger to Americans. Ever since he began his campaign for president shortly after junior high school, BHO has received more extensive and more positive media coverage than any American in history.

As president, Obama has read roughly 14.72 million speeches from his teleprompter, 98.7% of which were carried live on NBC (National Barack Channel), ABC (Adoring Barack Constantly), CBS (Cowardly Barack Sycophants). The editorial staff of the New York Times and the Obama reelection headquarters are linked together via powerful Cisco servers to ensure seamless integration of messaging.

So when President Obama calls a military person a “corpse-man” rather than a corpsman, forgets what year it is or crassly insults Special Olympians, more than 3,200 “reporters” from Los Angeles to Boston instantly go into damage control for the “smartest guy in the room.” Here’s a partial list of Obama’s gaffes, courtesy of Human Events. So let’s meet the Democrat candidate for president:


Full name, which doesn’t explain why Republicans are called racist if they use it: Barack Hussein Obama II
Age: 49
Background: POTUS since January 2009; U.S. Senator from Illinois, January 20, 2005 to January 21, 2005 when he formally announced he was running for president; “community organizer” (i.e., taxpayer funded “job”) in Chicago from 1985-1988; undergraduate studies at Occidental College and Columbia, where he dropped his lifelong nickname of Barry; law degree from Harvard; wrote the first of 21 books about himself, Dreams of My Father, at age 9; he and wife Michelle have two children; acknowledged heavy user of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, PCP, meth, ecstasy, psilocybin, LSD, angel dust, hash, horse tranquilizers, paint thinner and roofing shingles; holds presidential record for rounds of golf played while in office
Strengths: Solid fall-away jumper
Weaknesses: Ran up more than $4 trillion in debt in just over two years; destroyed 9 million U.S. jobs; enacted more than six quadrillion pages of new federal regulations; thinks Joe Biden has more native intelligence than cabbage; talks with his nose pointing straight up; significantly weakened America abroad by allowing Iran to nuke up, appeasing China and every other dictatorship, savaging all allies from Israel to the U.K., and publicly dancing the samba in Brazil; wrong on every major issue including the economy, defense, “green” jobs, abortion, the role of government, taxes, high-speed rail, and government regulation of everything from light bulbs to free speech to food choices; attended a racist, anti-American, anti-Semite church for 20 years and said he never noticed
Compared to any Republican: −12710 (−2) times worse
Suggested campaign slogan: “In four more years, I can finish this place off!”


One Response to “You Decide 2012: how does Obama stack up against Republicans?”

  1. Jean Gutsche Says:

    Love the suggested campaign slogan!

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