Archive for August, 2011

An anxious nation ponders: who is the best GOP candidate to unseat Obama?

August 27, 2011

A few nights ago, while walking the Keyster pooch, the Keyster ran into one of our loyal readers.  As an activist conservative (always votes, attends candidate rallies and closely tracks issues), she was confused about which Republican she should be backing for prez.

Like most coherent people in America — except the “news” media, the majority of college professors and Warren Buffett (note to Warren: just send your extra money to the U.S. Treasury, no Congressional approval needed) — she is horrified at the thought of Barack Obama being reelected.

Flash mob or GOP presidential hopefuls? Who is best equipped to stop the decline of America under President Obama?

She wondered: is the Siesta Keyster going to officially endorse a candidate during the primaries?  How can she sort out who to back among the the sprawling GOP field that includes frontrunners Rick ‘Packin’ Perry, Glove Romney and Michele ‘Missing an L,’ as well as Paul Ron, the Pizzanator, Gingivitis, Sanatorium, T-Mac and Jon ‘McCain’ Huntsman.

As a respected site for fact-based journalism, the Siesta Keyster as a matter of policy does not back one candidate over another.  During our You Decide 2012 series, we’ve gone to great lengths to present data on which you may make your decision.  Each Republican candidate and incumbent Barack Obama (D: Golf Cart) has been extensively profiled.

'It's been a great summer, after a lot of work my short game is really coming together!'

Now, each individual must decide in his or her own heart:  Do I favor the continued demolition of America (Obama) or;  do I vote for a Republican who at some point did something really boneheaded, but probably will prevent us from becoming the United States of Pathetic Wards of that State.

There’s also the matter of the primaries.  Unless you  reside in Iowa or New Hampshire, by the time the GOP primary in your state rolls around, the field will be much more manageable.

In the Keyster’s home base of Florida, for example, the primary is not scheduled until January 31, 2012.  By then, many of the intriguing minor candidates will have dropped out due to corn-dog poisoning and the fact nobody can spell their names.  So here is the:

Siesta Keyster Official Pocket Guide to the 2012 Presidential Primary

  • Any Republican (yes, that even includes RINOed up Jon Huntsman) will be infinitely better than another four years of BHO
  • Take a walk at sunset and enjoy all that the Lord has created
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Gov. Perry upends GOP presidential primary race…. BHO wraps up his bus(t) tour

August 19, 2011

The Siesta Keyster is worried about the mental health of our president.

'The hayseeds in the midwest loved my bus tour and I even ate a corndog!'

Americans are seriously upset about unemployment, the economy and the decline of our nation caused by Obama’s failed policies. Barack’s solution? Purchase two massive, blacked-out buses from Darth Vader and prowl the hinterlands bumming out the locals in diners and school gyms.

Midwesterners can breath easier now: BHO went directly from his taxpayer-funded Magical Misery Tour to his well-deserved vacation on a 28-acre beachfront estate on Martha’s Vineyard. After his nearly two-week retreat on the $20 million Blue Heron Farm in woodsy Chilmark, Barry promises to unveil his 229th “jobs program.”

The Keyster doesn’t mean to be cynical, but the only effective jobs program our 44th president could announce would be his own immediate resignation and repeal of his entire agenda.

Meanwhile, the race for the GOP nomination to challenge Barry next year has been totally reordered.  Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R: Smith & Wesson) officially tossed his Stetson into the ring last week, while Tim Pawlenty (R: Walleye) packed it in.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry takes aim at the White House... will his campaign be on target with voters horrified by the Obama economy?

In keeping with our commitment to provide an unbiased and unfiltered look at every presidential candidate, as a public service the Keyster staff presents this objective analysis of:

RICK PERRY
Age: 61
Full name, which doesn’t explain why he’s not called Jim: James Richard Perry
Background: Governor of Texas since 2000; born in Paint Creek to a family of ranchers; graduated from Texas A&M University with a degree in animal science; former Air Force captain, piloting the C-130; entered politics in 1984 and became a Republican in 1989; known to carry a .380 Ruger while jogging in the event a coyote attacks his dog; he and wife Anita have two children
Strengths: Texas economy is robust because of Perry’s focus on low taxes, less regulation and pretty much doing everything the opposite of President Obama; a true Washington outsider, unlike the current occupant of the White House; loves to verbally rough up political opposition; not a lawyer; openly discussed the secession of Texas because of the insanity coming out of Washington; backs up his pro-life beliefs with legislation designed to protect the unborn; chili is the state dish of Texas
Weaknesses: Was Texas chairman of Al Gore’s failed presidential primary run in 1988; issued executive order mandating that young girls get vaccinated against a sexual disease; wife’s maiden name was Anita Thigpen; blew up toilets in college with M-80 red salutes when it is well known that cherry bombs are much more effective in water
Compared to Obama: ∞∞∞ times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “It’s gonna take a Texan to clean this mess up!”

Barack: ‘Things are going beautifully… I raised $35 million for my reelection and the weather’s going to be perfect on Martha’s Vineyard!’

August 13, 2011

It’s been a challenging few weeks for our Whiner-in-Chief.  Stock markets cratering.  Welfare riots throughout Europe portending the fate of the burgeoning U.S. entitlement state.  Unemployment stuck at historic highs.  Shocking American casualties in Afghanistan. S&P downgrading U.S. finances from AAA to CCC.  A Clinton-appointed judge ruling that ObamaCare is indeed unconstitutional.

'The American people always get inspired when I hit the links in Martha's Vineyard!'

In response, President Obama staged an extravagant birthday party for himself and worked on plans for his annual vacay to Martha’s Vineyard. While us serfs anxiously watch the Dow go SheiKra, our Dear Leader is in full Louis XVI mode, with a 747 for his gilded carriage. All he needs is a powdered wig and velvet tights.

As things have gotten ugly this summer, Barry has resorted to what the “media” relentlessly tells us is his unmatched strength, the talisman to sooth the restive hayseeds: oratory skills so refined and magical that a single cliche can calm the masses like no one else in American history.

There’s no need to change one of his destructive policies, not when all you’ve got to do is talk and the New York Times and NBC will blame it all on the Tea Party.

So after going turtle into his golf game and celeb-fests during the spring/early summer, Barack and his campaign staffers have concluded that the only solution to the problems he’s caused is to hold daily pressers. And they’ve convinced him to put on a folksy, aw-shucks persona to really touch the fly-over dolts.

'The uneducated need me to tell 'em what kind of cars to drive, lightbulbs to use and foods to eat!'

As a result, BHO is about as believable as Bill Clinton testifying in federal court or John Edwards denying paternity.  Every time he reads from the ‘prompters, his polls number decline even further and the Dow plummets.

Plus, our Pres simply cannot help himself.  When he sees a mic, his nose points toward the sky and he starts lecturing and complaining.  In the last two weeks, Obama has:

  • Repeatedly carped about how hard his job is, while devoting most of his “work” day (9:30-11 a.m., and 2-3 p.m., Tuesday through Thursday) desperately trying to hold onto that job for another four years
  • Kept a straight face while blaming our woes on “Washington insiders,” which, natch, doesn’t include himself, and of course, on the long-retired George Bush
  • Pleaded 4,397 times for higher taxes on “millionaires and billionaires,” defined as anyone making more than $12 an hour
  • Attended 167 fundraisers for his 2012 campaign
  • Arranged for Stevie Wonder to sing “happy birthday” to himself
  • Three-putted the 15th on the East Course at Andrews Air Force Base, which the Washington Post immediately declared was caused by Michele Bachmann being a radical nut job

But there is plenty of reason for hope.  The Republican presidential candidates, all profiled by the Keyster staff in recent weeks, are showing signs of life.  Even Glove Romney robustly stood up lefty thugs in defense of capitalism.  Also scoring points have been Bachmann, the Pizzanator and the all-but-given-up-for-dead Newtonian Gingivitis.

Fortunately, the one true RINO in the race — Jon ‘I’ll Never Criticize Barry’ Huntsman — has gotten as much traction as a ’73 Olds Delta 88 with bald tires trying to climb a steep Minnesota driveway in February.  And all signs point to fiery Texas Governor Rick Perry (R: Cowboy Boots) jumping in and immediately becoming a frontrunner.