Barack: ‘Things are going beautifully… I raised $35 million for my reelection and the weather’s going to be perfect on Martha’s Vineyard!’

It’s been a challenging few weeks for our Whiner-in-Chief.  Stock markets cratering.  Welfare riots throughout Europe portending the fate of the burgeoning U.S. entitlement state.  Unemployment stuck at historic highs.  Shocking American casualties in Afghanistan. S&P downgrading U.S. finances from AAA to CCC.  A Clinton-appointed judge ruling that ObamaCare is indeed unconstitutional.

'The American people always get inspired when I hit the links in Martha's Vineyard!'

In response, President Obama staged an extravagant birthday party for himself and worked on plans for his annual vacay to Martha’s Vineyard. While us serfs anxiously watch the Dow go SheiKra, our Dear Leader is in full Louis XVI mode, with a 747 for his gilded carriage. All he needs is a powdered wig and velvet tights.

As things have gotten ugly this summer, Barry has resorted to what the “media” relentlessly tells us is his unmatched strength, the talisman to sooth the restive hayseeds: oratory skills so refined and magical that a single cliche can calm the masses like no one else in American history.

There’s no need to change one of his destructive policies, not when all you’ve got to do is talk and the New York Times and NBC will blame it all on the Tea Party.

So after going turtle into his golf game and celeb-fests during the spring/early summer, Barack and his campaign staffers have concluded that the only solution to the problems he’s caused is to hold daily pressers. And they’ve convinced him to put on a folksy, aw-shucks persona to really touch the fly-over dolts.

'The uneducated need me to tell 'em what kind of cars to drive, lightbulbs to use and foods to eat!'

As a result, BHO is about as believable as Bill Clinton testifying in federal court or John Edwards denying paternity.  Every time he reads from the ‘prompters, his polls number decline even further and the Dow plummets.

Plus, our Pres simply cannot help himself.  When he sees a mic, his nose points toward the sky and he starts lecturing and complaining.  In the last two weeks, Obama has:

  • Repeatedly carped about how hard his job is, while devoting most of his “work” day (9:30-11 a.m., and 2-3 p.m., Tuesday through Thursday) desperately trying to hold onto that job for another four years
  • Kept a straight face while blaming our woes on “Washington insiders,” which, natch, doesn’t include himself, and of course, on the long-retired George Bush
  • Pleaded 4,397 times for higher taxes on “millionaires and billionaires,” defined as anyone making more than $12 an hour
  • Attended 167 fundraisers for his 2012 campaign
  • Arranged for Stevie Wonder to sing “happy birthday” to himself
  • Three-putted the 15th on the East Course at Andrews Air Force Base, which the Washington Post immediately declared was caused by Michele Bachmann being a radical nut job

But there is plenty of reason for hope.  The Republican presidential candidates, all profiled by the Keyster staff in recent weeks, are showing signs of life.  Even Glove Romney robustly stood up lefty thugs in defense of capitalism.  Also scoring points have been Bachmann, the Pizzanator and the all-but-given-up-for-dead Newtonian Gingivitis.

Fortunately, the one true RINO in the race — Jon ‘I’ll Never Criticize Barry’ Huntsman — has gotten as much traction as a ’73 Olds Delta 88 with bald tires trying to climb a steep Minnesota driveway in February.  And all signs point to fiery Texas Governor Rick Perry (R: Cowboy Boots) jumping in and immediately becoming a frontrunner.

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