Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

Gov. Perry upends GOP presidential primary race…. BHO wraps up his bus(t) tour

August 19, 2011

The Siesta Keyster is worried about the mental health of our president.

'The hayseeds in the midwest loved my bus tour and I even ate a corndog!'

Americans are seriously upset about unemployment, the economy and the decline of our nation caused by Obama’s failed policies. Barack’s solution? Purchase two massive, blacked-out buses from Darth Vader and prowl the hinterlands bumming out the locals in diners and school gyms.

Midwesterners can breath easier now: BHO went directly from his taxpayer-funded Magical Misery Tour to his well-deserved vacation on a 28-acre beachfront estate on Martha’s Vineyard. After his nearly two-week retreat on the $20 million Blue Heron Farm in woodsy Chilmark, Barry promises to unveil his 229th “jobs program.”

The Keyster doesn’t mean to be cynical, but the only effective jobs program our 44th president could announce would be his own immediate resignation and repeal of his entire agenda.

Meanwhile, the race for the GOP nomination to challenge Barry next year has been totally reordered.  Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R: Smith & Wesson) officially tossed his Stetson into the ring last week, while Tim Pawlenty (R: Walleye) packed it in.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry takes aim at the White House... will his campaign be on target with voters horrified by the Obama economy?

In keeping with our commitment to provide an unbiased and unfiltered look at every presidential candidate, as a public service the Keyster staff presents this objective analysis of:

RICK PERRY
Age: 61
Full name, which doesn’t explain why he’s not called Jim: James Richard Perry
Background: Governor of Texas since 2000; born in Paint Creek to a family of ranchers; graduated from Texas A&M University with a degree in animal science; former Air Force captain, piloting the C-130; entered politics in 1984 and became a Republican in 1989; known to carry a .380 Ruger while jogging in the event a coyote attacks his dog; he and wife Anita have two children
Strengths: Texas economy is robust because of Perry’s focus on low taxes, less regulation and pretty much doing everything the opposite of President Obama; a true Washington outsider, unlike the current occupant of the White House; loves to verbally rough up political opposition; not a lawyer; openly discussed the secession of Texas because of the insanity coming out of Washington; backs up his pro-life beliefs with legislation designed to protect the unborn; chili is the state dish of Texas
Weaknesses: Was Texas chairman of Al Gore’s failed presidential primary run in 1988; issued executive order mandating that young girls get vaccinated against a sexual disease; wife’s maiden name was Anita Thigpen; blew up toilets in college with M-80 red salutes when it is well known that cherry bombs are much more effective in water
Compared to Obama: ∞∞∞ times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “It’s gonna take a Texan to clean this mess up!”

The Siesta Keyster’s handy guide to the debt-ceiling ‘crisis’

July 30, 2011

For the last couple of months, Americans have been pummeled unmercifully with a raging debate about the federal debt.   After a five-year spending orgy that began when Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the House and accelerated under President Obama like a 17-year old with a Lamborghini, we  now stand at the edge of the fiscal cliff… at least, that’s what the political class wants us to believe.

Playing the starring role in this farce is our Wastrel in Chief.  Sure, he flushed trillions of taxpayer funds down the federal crapper (TARP, QE1 and 2, ‘stimulus’ bills, cash for clunkers, green ‘jobs,’ Michelle’s vegetable garden, etc.), established European levels of unemployment and turned an already bloated federal government into Jabba the Hutt.

The federal government has an insatiable appetite for taxes and Barack and the Dems want to feed it

But Barry can read polls.  If he hopes to live in government housing through 2016, he knows he’d better morph into Barack the Fiscal Hawk.   His strategy: take to the podium daily and declare that unless Congress raises taxes by the completely arbitrary deadline of August 2, the U.S. economy will crater, and seniors and the military will be forced to subsist on Kibbles n Bits.  Who needs a plan!

The Keyster doesn’t wish to be harsh. But objectively, with this performance, Obama now has moved into the top  five of the Worst World Leaders of All Time, passing Vlad the Impaler.

Barack: 'We don't have a spending problem, we just need higher taxes!'

The Siesta Keyster, like most people outside the Beltway, is weary. Our heads ache. Because, the solution is so glaringly simple, any second-grader could fix this ‘crisis’ in about five seconds.

STOP SPENDING MORE THAN YOU TAKE IN. PAY OFF YOUR DEBTS.

That’s it. It’s doesn’t require the ‘brilliance’ of Timmy Geithner, who refuses to pay his own taxes, or the political ‘savvy’ of Harry Reid, who had to bribe his own party members to jam ObamaCare down the throats of us poor saps who’ll suffer so grievously under it.

But this is happening in Washington D.C. and many of the people people involved in the debate actually aren’t concerned  about debt.  Instead, they are focused on the 2012 elections like Scrat from the Ice Age movies on an acorn.

So we asked our Washington Bureau to prepare this:

Siesta Keyster’s Pocket Guide to the Debt-Ceiling Debate

The issue: President Obama and the Dems have grown the national debt by 50% and wants to escalate it by a couple trillion, right now. Unless Congress authorizes Barry to borrow more, the U.S. will be in the same horrible situation faced by every private business and household in America… having to live within its means

The players and their positions:
President Obama: Raise taxes, keep spending until all wealth is transferred to the feds… except for the pile belonging to George Soros, the SEIU and Warren Buffett, so they can finance his campaign
Democrats: Raise taxes, keep spending, call Republicans racist radicals for proposing to cut so much as $.10 from high-speed rail
Republicans: Cut spending, no new taxes and reduce the size of federal government
The media: We support Barry-Harry-and-Nancy, no matter how often they change positions, because evil conservatives want to kill grandmothers and puppies!

The competing plans:
The Obama ‘plan’: Demonize Republicans; attend fundraisers; golf; make plans for huge 50th birthday party (also a fundraiser); go on vacation to Martha’s Vineyard
Republican/Boehner Plan: The House passed Cut-Cap-and-Balance; then passed the Boehner plan to at least start spending less; no new taxes
Democrat/Reid ‘plan’: Demonize Republicans; propose bogus spending ‘cuts’; hike taxes; increase the national debt until the U.S. has the financial integrity of Zimbabwe and Somalia

Thaddeus joins GOP race: the Keyster is there with full on-the-scene analysis

July 5, 2011

For the past six weeks, the Siesta Keyster investigative team has focused exclusively on introducing readers to the ever-expanding field of Republican presidential candidates.   Another GOPer has declared and we’re honoring our commitment to be there with insights and analysis of every presidential contender, no matter how long the list.

Obamanonics at work

Unfortunately, like most American businesses (with the exception of teleprompter repair firms, federal unions and food-stamp printers), we have suffered most grievously in the Keynesian nightmare of President Obama and the Dems.

While we have focused on Republicans, our Dear Leader has not been idle. He continues to appease dictators, fight for higher taxes and spending, and attack capitalism between golfing, vacations with the fam, and fundraising.

In this economic environment, we simply don’t have the human and fiscal resources available to chronicle both BHO’s follies and Republican aspirants at the same time. But still your hearts: when the GOP field stabilizes,  we again will provide the comprehensive coverage and dispassionate scrutiny of our 44th president that readers have come to expect.

Can McCotter hit the right notes with an electorate that knows nothing about him?

So let’s meet the latest candidate hoping to toss Barry out of the White House:

THADDEUS MCCOTTER

Age: 45
Full name, which is why he shouldn’t use it: Thaddeus George McCotter
Background: Five-term Congressman from Michigan’s 11th district; earned B.A. and law degrees from the University of Detroit; entered politics as a county commissioner in 1992, served in the Michigan senate and was elected to Congress in 2002; he and wife Rita have three children; plays lead guitar in the Second Amendments, a Congressional band formed to entertain troops; President Bush called him “the guitar dude”
Strengths: Wields a Telecaster with an American flag painted on it; has vigorously opposed the Obama-Pelosi-Reid agenda; not afraid to stand up to liberal mobs and thugs; quickly rose to be a driver of the conservative agenda in Congress; can play an E9(b5) chord; 100% rating from the National Right to Life Committee; hails from the state that gave the country Shredded Wheat
Weaknesses: Will independents vote for a man named Thaddeus?; has lower name recognition than insurance salesman Filbert Berkowitz from Mullen, Nebraska; voted for “card check” legislation that would eliminate secret ballots in union elections; Michigan foisted Michael Moore and Madonna on us
Compared to Obama: 7,980,002,8790,229,763,210 times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Vote for Thad, he’ll repeal Obama’s bad!”

Tiger to Barack: “Hey, you can even use my blue curtain!”

February 22, 2010

The world seemingly came to a halt at 11 a.m. last Friday. That’s when Tiger Woods walked awkwardly toward a podium placed in front of a royal blue curtain and stiffly read a remarkable confession about his serial philandering.

'Tiger gave me some great tips, especially about how to choke up at just the right time!'

The meticulously orchestrated event — no reporters, each attendee hand-selected for optics, every word vetted and re-vetted by his coterie of handlers, perfectly timed hug with mom — was designed to restore Tiger’s image. With Tiger’s poll numbers nearly as low as President Obama’s, the two sullied celebrities held secret discussions this this past weekend as the President sought counsel from the golfer.

The Siesta Keyster today is breaking the news that following the Eldrick-Barry talks, Obama has decided to apologize to the nation for for his rampant infidelity… not to Michelle, but to the ideals that made the United States great. A source close to both parties has told the Keyster that Obama will use the same room and even has hired the same speechwriter who penned Tiger’s famous tome.

While the date has not been set for the Obama confession, the Keyster has obtained an early draft of his remarks. Obama plans to invite every American who voted in the 2008 presidential elections, as well as all of the children now saddled with trillions of dollars in debt he has run up in just 13 months of wanton spending. Following are excerpts from that draft:

'In return for letting me use his curtain, Tiger can borrow my teleprompter for his next confession!'

“Good morning, and thanks for joining me. Many of you in this room were my friends, many of you voted for me and at one time supported me. Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in (note: bite lower lip, choke up briefly).

“I know people want to find out how I could be so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my nation and our children. And while I have always tried to give a speech every 90 minutes during my ruinous Presidency, there are still some things I want to say (note: try to tear up here).

“I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that George Bush somehow hurt or attacked me on Inauguration Day. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. George never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of political violence, ever. While George is responsible for the terrible unemployment rate, the global warming fraud, the soaring national debt and the fact that French fries are fatty, he deserved deserves praise, not blame.

(note: look directly at camera) “The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful to the Constitution. I broke every campaign promise I ever made. I bowed to every tinhorn dictator and thug. What I did is not acceptable, and George Bush is the only person to blame.

“I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is moderation and adherence to sound fiscal policies. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a conservative, and I actively practiced this from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years, no thanks to Rahm Emanuel, Nancy Pelosi, Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ahers. Conservatism teaches that a craving for taxing and spending causes an unhappy and pointless search for approval from the SEIU and the New York Times. Conservatism teaches me to stop following every impulse to regulate business into oblivion and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.

“Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day vote for me again.

“Thank you.” (note: walk over and hug Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh)

Audi Super Bowl Ad: Eerie harbinger of where this country is heading?

February 8, 2010

The most frightening minute of yesterday’s Super Bowl, beside wondering whether 64-year old Pete Townshend of The Who would shatter his arthritic wrist during guitar windmills, was the Audi ad. For those who were in the kitchen reloading the guacamole and missed it, please pause this commentary, watch it, and then rejoin us.

The commercial for the “clean” Audi diesel features scenes of armed and uniformed officers arresting people for minor environmental offenses. Ask for plastic bags in the grocery store? You’re heading to jail. Forget to recycle or compost? Jack-booted eco-police will crash into your home and haul you off. Drink your coffee from a foam cup? You could be shot.

The Keyster was certain that the ad was brilliantly crafted by the Republican Party to remind voters where the current administration is taking us. The “green” movement, at its most basic, is about the government telling people what it can and cannot do. And under the Obama regime and the Democrat Congress, the nanny state is growing at an alarming rate under the banner of environmentalism.

BHO: 'I got a lot of great ideas from the Audi ad!'

This President is constantly reminding us that we can’t drive SUVs, keep our homes pleasantly warm in the winter, or use incandescent light bulbs… not to mention that he has declared the very gasses we exhale with every breath to be highly toxic, and thus under the authority of bureaucrats in Washington. How long before the scenes in the ad become a reality throughout America?

So when the commercial was revealed as a promotion for a large and sporty auto, the Keyster was most surprised. In a broadcast larded with mostly tepid, gross, crass and lifeless ads, Audi’s Super Bowl piece was a stunner.

Here’s hoping that Audi continues this commercial in heavy rotation. It’s a prophetic look at where the relentless growth of government will lead. And unlike the car, it ain’t pretty.

AARP to Obama: ‘We love you!’

February 3, 2010

During this past year, by far the most surreal in modern political history, the performance of the AARP has been beyond weird. The non-profit organization, which the Keyster and most others presume stands for American Association of Retired Persons, has been, well, stridently fighting against seniors.

Was this the work of Rod Serling of Twilight Zone? Had Federico Fellini stuck around to film one final fantasy?

'AARP is a strong partner as together we work to wreck health care for all Americans, and especially the less productive'

AARP executives were among the first to back President Obama’s plans to nationalize the best health care system in the world… a process that the Prez proposes to largely finance by slashing health care for seniors. Even after it became clear that the Dems also planned federal panels to determine if people had enough use to society to qualify for medical care, AARP steadfastly stood with Harry’s and Nancy’s infamous “death panels” over seniors.

When the Keyster reached a certain age — I think it was about 35 — he began receiving direct-mail ads from AARP imploring him to join the organization. When Mrs. Keyster also reached the magic number, our AARP mailings doubled, some days a veritable phone book of pleas to buy memberships and sign up for various insurance programs. And just think of the discounts we could get on hotels, rentals cars and shuffleboard sticks!

As I put the AARP materials in the recycling bin, I naively imagined AARP to be a special-interest group that relentlessly lobbied for ever-growing pile of government hand-outs for seniors. So why would the American Association of Retired Persons join with Barry to destroy health care, especially as it would apply to older people?

And then it hit me like a final-lap bump draft from Jeff Gordon: I was completely wrong about the meaning of the AARP acronym. Using his experience as an investigative journalist, the Keyster went to work on this mystery.

'Yeah, I got the goods on this AARP outfit, you won't believe what it really means!'

I can now reveal the results of my research into the AARP… and the most likely true meanings of this organization that has deceived millions, and to this very day purports to speak for seniors:

American Association of Radical Progressives
: This explains why AARP gleefully backs anything the Dems throw out there, as long as it involves higher taxes, more government and less freedom.

Always Against Retired People: This name would be 100% accurate based on AARP’s position on health care “reform.”

And finally, An Avalanche of Recycled Postmail: Could this be the true meaning of AARP at last? An organization that exists simply to exploit bulk-mailing rates and make money off of printing?

Media malfeasance

June 17, 2009

To the Keyster, who admits to having a degree in journalism, the most shocking development during the harrowing five months of the Obama administration has been the performance of the news media. We knew during the campaign that the New York Times, AP, CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, Time, NewsWeek, Washington Post and nearly every major daily newspaper still standing all were deeply in the tank for Obama. Their refusal to look into the background of a major candidate, while absolutely shredding anyone who dared to question Dear Leader (see Joe the Plumber), was stunning to behold. Even Hillary Clinton said that Fox News was by far the fairest media out there. So they championed a man who attended a racist church, had a racist and anti-Semitic mentor, began his political career in the home of a domestic terrorist and had not a single achievement on his resume they could point to.

But the Keyster presumed that once Dear Leader took office (or as his followers view it, when he began his reign), the media might become a little less compliant. Wrong. The silence of the media as this country is being converted in a banana dictatorship has been deafening. Where to start? How about the thuggish firing of an Inspector General who dared to investigate blatant corruption by an Obama buddy. Or the media depicting as mainstream an avowed racist nominee to the Supreme Count. Or the Justice Department (wrongly named under this administration) dropping voter intimidation charges against a racist organization that it had already won? Or the refusal to discuss the “cap and trade” proposal for what it is: the largest tax increase in the history of the U.S. that will affect every family to the tune of at least $3,000/year. Or who sees nothing wrong with terrorists being released in Bermuda for a nice beach vacation until they return to the battlefield.

So nobody was surprised when it was announced that ABC (Always Blame Conservatives or the All Barak Channel) would run an infomercial from the White House in support of the socialist takeover of the best health care system in the world. But not to worry: the media is there to report on the Obamas date nights, Michelle’s toned arms, the vegetable garden and to yuck it up with Robert Gibbs about what Dear Leader had for dinner. And all the while same cast of characters (Dear Leader, Pelsoi, Dodd, Frank, Reid, etc.) who plunged the world into near depression are taking over the very institutions they ruined. As brave Iranians (never thought I’d use that phrase) march in the streets at grave risk, Dear Leader says he’s ready to make small talk with the lunatic who proclaims his fondest desire is to nuke Israel.

Remember those black Missing in Action flags from a few years ago? Siesta Keyster is hoisting one up for the news media.

Your Obama stimulus funds at work: solar beach restrooms

June 10, 2009

In case anyone needed more evidence that the trillion dollar Obama “stimulus” program is a debacle, I present this gem from this morning’s Sarasota Herald-Tribune.  Thanks to your federal tax dollars, Sarasota County is going to blow $7 million on improvements to beach facilities.  You will be comforted to know that our children and grandchildren will be paying for new restrooms that include “low flush toilets and solar lighting.”  At least they’ll be fashionally green as they struggle to pay for this kind of shameful spending.  One other thing: the first of these desperately needed civic projects won’t likely get under way this year… just the thing to make a major dent in today’s soaring unemployment rate.   Remember when Congress rammed the “stimulus” bill through because we needed to have this RIGHT NOW to save the economy?