An anxious nation ponders: who is the best GOP candidate to unseat Obama?

A few nights ago, while walking the Keyster pooch, the Keyster ran into one of our loyal readers.  As an activist conservative (always votes, attends candidate rallies and closely tracks issues), she was confused about which Republican she should be backing for prez.

Like most coherent people in America — except the “news” media, the majority of college professors and Warren Buffett (note to Warren: just send your extra money to the U.S. Treasury, no Congressional approval needed) — she is horrified at the thought of Barack Obama being reelected.

Flash mob or GOP presidential hopefuls? Who is best equipped to stop the decline of America under President Obama?

She wondered: is the Siesta Keyster going to officially endorse a candidate during the primaries?  How can she sort out who to back among the the sprawling GOP field that includes frontrunners Rick ‘Packin’ Perry, Glove Romney and Michele ‘Missing an L,’ as well as Paul Ron, the Pizzanator, Gingivitis, Sanatorium, T-Mac and Jon ‘McCain’ Huntsman.

As a respected site for fact-based journalism, the Siesta Keyster as a matter of policy does not back one candidate over another.  During our You Decide 2012 series, we’ve gone to great lengths to present data on which you may make your decision.  Each Republican candidate and incumbent Barack Obama (D: Golf Cart) has been extensively profiled.

'It's been a great summer, after a lot of work my short game is really coming together!'

Now, each individual must decide in his or her own heart:  Do I favor the continued demolition of America (Obama) or;  do I vote for a Republican who at some point did something really boneheaded, but probably will prevent us from becoming the United States of Pathetic Wards of that State.

There’s also the matter of the primaries.  Unless you  reside in Iowa or New Hampshire, by the time the GOP primary in your state rolls around, the field will be much more manageable.

In the Keyster’s home base of Florida, for example, the primary is not scheduled until January 31, 2012.  By then, many of the intriguing minor candidates will have dropped out due to corn-dog poisoning and the fact nobody can spell their names.  So here is the:

Siesta Keyster Official Pocket Guide to the 2012 Presidential Primary

• Any Republican (yes, that even includes RINOed up Jon Huntsman) will be infinitely better than another four years of BHO
• Take a walk at sunset and enjoy all that the Lord has created

Gov. Perry upends GOP presidential primary race…. BHO wraps up his bus(t) tour

The Siesta Keyster is worried about the mental health of our president.

'The hayseeds in the midwest loved my bus tour and I even ate a corndog!'

Americans are seriously upset about unemployment, the economy and the decline of our nation caused by Obama’s failed policies. Barack’s solution? Purchase two massive, blacked-out buses from Darth Vader and prowl the hinterlands bumming out the locals in diners and school gyms.

Midwesterners can breath easier now: BHO went directly from his taxpayer-funded Magical Misery Tour to his well-deserved vacation on a 28-acre beachfront estate on Martha’s Vineyard. After his nearly two-week retreat on the $20 million Blue Heron Farm in woodsy Chilmark, Barry promises to unveil his 229th “jobs program.”

The Keyster doesn’t mean to be cynical, but the only effective jobs program our 44th president could announce would be his own immediate resignation and repeal of his entire agenda.

Meanwhile, the race for the GOP nomination to challenge Barry next year has been totally reordered.  Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R: Smith & Wesson) officially tossed his Stetson into the ring last week, while Tim Pawlenty (R: Walleye) packed it in.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry takes aim at the White House... will his campaign be on target with voters horrified by the Obama economy?

In keeping with our commitment to provide an unbiased and unfiltered look at every presidential candidate, as a public service the Keyster staff presents this objective analysis of:

RICK PERRY
Age: 61
Full name, which doesn’t explain why he’s not called Jim: James Richard Perry
Background: Governor of Texas since 2000; born in Paint Creek to a family of ranchers; graduated from Texas A&M University with a degree in animal science; former Air Force captain, piloting the C-130; entered politics in 1984 and became a Republican in 1989; known to carry a .380 Ruger while jogging in the event a coyote attacks his dog; he and wife Anita have two children
Strengths: Texas economy is robust because of Perry’s focus on low taxes, less regulation and pretty much doing everything the opposite of President Obama; a true Washington outsider, unlike the current occupant of the White House; loves to verbally rough up political opposition; not a lawyer; openly discussed the secession of Texas because of the insanity coming out of Washington; backs up his pro-life beliefs with legislation designed to protect the unborn; chili is the state dish of Texas
Weaknesses: Was Texas chairman of Al Gore’s failed presidential primary run in 1988; issued executive order mandating that young girls get vaccinated against a sexual disease; wife’s maiden name was Anita Thigpen; blew up toilets in college with M-80 red salutes when it is well known that cherry bombs are much more effective in water
Compared to Obama: ∞∞∞ times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “It’s gonna take a Texan to clean this mess up!”

Barack: ‘Things are going beautifully… I raised $35 million for my reelection and the weather’s going to be perfect on Martha’s Vineyard!’

It’s been a challenging few weeks for our Whiner-in-Chief.  Stock markets cratering.  Welfare riots throughout Europe portending the fate of the burgeoning U.S. entitlement state.  Unemployment stuck at historic highs.  Shocking American casualties in Afghanistan. S&P downgrading U.S. finances from AAA to CCC.  A Clinton-appointed judge ruling that ObamaCare is indeed unconstitutional.

'The American people always get inspired when I hit the links in Martha's Vineyard!'

In response, President Obama staged an extravagant birthday party for himself and worked on plans for his annual vacay to Martha’s Vineyard. While us serfs anxiously watch the Dow go SheiKra, our Dear Leader is in full Louis XVI mode, with a 747 for his gilded carriage. All he needs is a powdered wig and velvet tights.

As things have gotten ugly this summer, Barry has resorted to what the “media” relentlessly tells us is his unmatched strength, the talisman to sooth the restive hayseeds: oratory skills so refined and magical that a single cliche can calm the masses like no one else in American history.

There’s no need to change one of his destructive policies, not when all you’ve got to do is talk and the New York Times and NBC will blame it all on the Tea Party.

So after going turtle into his golf game and celeb-fests during the spring/early summer, Barack and his campaign staffers have concluded that the only solution to the problems he’s caused is to hold daily pressers. And they’ve convinced him to put on a folksy, aw-shucks persona to really touch the fly-over dolts.

'The uneducated need me to tell 'em what kind of cars to drive, lightbulbs to use and foods to eat!'

As a result, BHO is about as believable as Bill Clinton testifying in federal court or John Edwards denying paternity.  Every time he reads from the ‘prompters, his polls number decline even further and the Dow plummets.

Plus, our Pres simply cannot help himself.  When he sees a mic, his nose points toward the sky and he starts lecturing and complaining.  In the last two weeks, Obama has:

• Repeatedly carped about how hard his job is, while devoting most of his “work” day (9:30-11 a.m., and 2-3 p.m., Tuesday through Thursday) desperately trying to hold onto that job for another four years
• Kept a straight face while blaming our woes on “Washington insiders,” which, natch, doesn’t include himself, and of course, on the long-retired George Bush
• Pleaded 4,397 times for higher taxes on “millionaires and billionaires,” defined as anyone making more than $12 an hour
• Attended 167 fundraisers for his 2012 campaign
• Arranged for Stevie Wonder to sing “happy birthday” to himself
• Three-putted the 15th on the East Course at Andrews Air Force Base, which the Washington Post immediately declared was caused by Michele Bachmann being a radical nut job

But there is plenty of reason for hope.  The Republican presidential candidates, all profiled by the Keyster staff in recent weeks, are showing signs of life.  Even Glove Romney robustly stood up lefty thugs in defense of capitalism.  Also scoring points have been Bachmann, the Pizzanator and the all-but-given-up-for-dead Newtonian Gingivitis.

Fortunately, the one true RINO in the race — Jon ‘I’ll Never Criticize Barry’ Huntsman — has gotten as much traction as a ’73 Olds Delta 88 with bald tires trying to climb a steep Minnesota driveway in February.  And all signs point to fiery Texas Governor Rick Perry (R: Cowboy Boots) jumping in and immediately becoming a frontrunner.

The Siesta Keyster’s handy guide to the debt-ceiling ‘crisis’

For the last couple of months, Americans have been pummeled unmercifully with a raging debate about the federal debt.   After a five-year spending orgy that began when Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the House and accelerated under President Obama like a 17-year old with a Lamborghini, we  now stand at the edge of the fiscal cliff… at least, that’s what the political class wants us to believe.

Playing the starring role in this farce is our Wastrel in Chief.  Sure, he flushed trillions of taxpayer funds down the federal crapper (TARP, QE1 and 2, ‘stimulus’ bills, cash for clunkers, green ‘jobs,’ Michelle’s vegetable garden, etc.), established European levels of unemployment and turned an already bloated federal government into Jabba the Hutt.

The federal government has an insatiable appetite for taxes and Barack and the Dems want to feed it

But Barry can read polls.  If he hopes to live in government housing through 2016, he knows he’d better morph into Barack the Fiscal Hawk.   His strategy: take to the podium daily and declare that unless Congress raises taxes by the completely arbitrary deadline of August 2, the U.S. economy will crater, and seniors and the military will be forced to subsist on Kibbles n Bits.  Who needs a plan!

The Keyster doesn’t wish to be harsh. But objectively, with this performance, Obama now has moved into the top  five of the Worst World Leaders of All Time, passing Vlad the Impaler.

Barack: 'We don't have a spending problem, we just need higher taxes!'

The Siesta Keyster, like most people outside the Beltway, is weary. Our heads ache. Because, the solution is so glaringly simple, any second-grader could fix this ‘crisis’ in about five seconds.

STOP SPENDING MORE THAN YOU TAKE IN. PAY OFF YOUR DEBTS.

That’s it. It’s doesn’t require the ‘brilliance’ of Timmy Geithner, who refuses to pay his own taxes, or the political ‘savvy’ of Harry Reid, who had to bribe his own party members to jam ObamaCare down the throats of us poor saps who’ll suffer so grievously under it.

But this is happening in Washington D.C. and many of the people people involved in the debate actually aren’t concerned  about debt.  Instead, they are focused on the 2012 elections like Scrat from the Ice Age movies on an acorn.

So we asked our Washington Bureau to prepare this:

Siesta Keyster’s Pocket Guide to the Debt-Ceiling Debate

The issue: President Obama and the Dems have grown the national debt by 50% and wants to escalate it by a couple trillion, right now. Unless Congress authorizes Barry to borrow more, the U.S. will be in the same horrible situation faced by every private business and household in America… having to live within its means

The players and their positions:
President Obama: Raise taxes, keep spending until all wealth is transferred to the feds… except for the pile belonging to George Soros, the SEIU and Warren Buffett, so they can finance his campaign
Democrats: Raise taxes, keep spending, call Republicans racist radicals for proposing to cut so much as $.10 from high-speed rail
Republicans: Cut spending, no new taxes and reduce the size of federal government
The media: We support Barry-Harry-and-Nancy, no matter how often they change positions, because evil conservatives want to kill grandmothers and puppies!

The competing plans:
The Obama ‘plan’: Demonize Republicans; attend fundraisers; golf; make plans for huge 50th birthday party (also a fundraiser); go on vacation to Martha’s Vineyard
Republican/Boehner Plan: The House passed Cut-Cap-and-Balance; then passed the Boehner plan to at least start spending less; no new taxes
Democrat/Reid ‘plan’: Demonize Republicans; propose bogus spending ‘cuts’; hike taxes; increase the national debt until the U.S. has the financial integrity of Zimbabwe and Somalia

You Decide 2012: how does Obama stack up against Republicans?

During the last six weeks, the Siesta Keyster staff has brought you complete analysis of each FEC-certified GOP presidential candidate. It’s been quite a journey, as we sifted through terabytes of data to prepare reports on Glove Romney, T-Paw, the Pizzanator, Gingivitis, T-Mac, Michele Missing an L, Rick Sanatorium and PaulRon.

In the interest of balance (and completely unrelated to the cease-and-desist letter we received from the Federal Communications Commission), we are pleased to offer the Democrat candidate for president the same impartial, reasonable, fair-minded, non-discriminatory, unbiased, objective, dispassionate, honest and evenhanded coverage that we afforded Republicans.

After wrecking the economy and trashing allies, a president needs several vacations each year

Unlike, say, Thaddeus McCotter, Barack Obama is no stranger to Americans. Ever since he began his campaign for president shortly after junior high school, BHO has received more extensive and more positive media coverage than any American in history.

As president, Obama has read roughly 14.72 million speeches from his teleprompter, 98.7% of which were carried live on NBC (National Barack Channel), ABC (Adoring Barack Constantly), CBS (Cowardly Barack Sycophants). The editorial staff of the New York Times and the Obama reelection headquarters are linked together via powerful Cisco servers to ensure seamless integration of messaging.

So when President Obama calls a military person a “corpse-man” rather than a corpsman, forgets what year it is or crassly insults Special Olympians, more than 3,200 “reporters” from Los Angeles to Boston instantly go into damage control for the “smartest guy in the room.” Here’s a partial list of Obama’s gaffes, courtesy of Human Events. So let’s meet the Democrat candidate for president:

BARACK OBAMA
Full name, which doesn’t explain why Republicans are called racist if they use it: Barack Hussein Obama II
Age: 49
Background: POTUS since January 2009; U.S. Senator from Illinois, January 20, 2005 to January 21, 2005 when he formally announced he was running for president; “community organizer” (i.e., taxpayer funded “job”) in Chicago from 1985-1988; undergraduate studies at Occidental College and Columbia, where he dropped his lifelong nickname of Barry; law degree from Harvard; wrote the first of 21 books about himself, Dreams of My Father, at age 9; he and wife Michelle have two children; acknowledged heavy user of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, PCP, meth, ecstasy, psilocybin, LSD, angel dust, hash, horse tranquilizers, paint thinner and roofing shingles; holds presidential record for rounds of golf played while in office
Strengths: Solid fall-away jumper
Weaknesses: Ran up more than $4 trillion in debt in just over two years; destroyed 9 million U.S. jobs; enacted more than six quadrillion pages of new federal regulations; thinks Joe Biden has more native intelligence than cabbage; talks with his nose pointing straight up; significantly weakened America abroad by allowing Iran to nuke up, appeasing China and every other dictatorship, savaging all allies from Israel to the U.K., and publicly dancing the samba in Brazil; wrong on every major issue including the economy, defense, “green” jobs, abortion, the role of government, taxes, high-speed rail, and government regulation of everything from light bulbs to free speech to food choices; attended a racist, anti-American, anti-Semite church for 20 years and said he never noticed
Compared to any Republican: −12710 (−2) times worse
Suggested campaign slogan: “In four more years, I can finish this place off!”

Thaddeus joins GOP race: the Keyster is there with full on-the-scene analysis

For the past six weeks, the Siesta Keyster investigative team has focused exclusively on introducing readers to the ever-expanding field of Republican presidential candidates.   Another GOPer has declared and we’re honoring our commitment to be there with insights and analysis of every presidential contender, no matter how long the list.

Obamanonics at work

Unfortunately, like most American businesses (with the exception of teleprompter repair firms, federal unions and food-stamp printers), we have suffered most grievously in the Keynesian nightmare of President Obama and the Dems.

While we have focused on Republicans, our Dear Leader has not been idle. He continues to appease dictators, fight for higher taxes and spending, and attack capitalism between golfing, vacations with the fam, and fundraising.

In this economic environment, we simply don’t have the human and fiscal resources available to chronicle both BHO’s follies and Republican aspirants at the same time. But still your hearts: when the GOP field stabilizes,  we again will provide the comprehensive coverage and dispassionate scrutiny of our 44th president that readers have come to expect.

Can McCotter hit the right notes with an electorate that knows nothing about him?

So let’s meet the latest candidate hoping to toss Barry out of the White House:

THADDEUS MCCOTTER
Age: 45
Full name, which is why he shouldn’t use it: Thaddeus George McCotter
Background: Five-term Congressman from Michigan’s 11th district; earned B.A. and law degrees from the University of Detroit; entered politics as a county commissioner in 1992, served in the Michigan senate and was elected to Congress in 2002; he and wife Rita have three children; plays lead guitar in the Second Amendments, a Congressional band formed to entertain troops; President Bush called him “the guitar dude”
Strengths: Wields a Telecaster with an American flag painted on it; has vigorously opposed the Obama-Pelosi-Reid agenda; not afraid to stand up to liberal mobs and thugs; quickly rose to be a driver of the conservative agenda in Congress; can play an E9(b5) chord; 100% rating from the National Right to Life Committee; hails from the state that gave the country Shredded Wheat
Weaknesses: Will independents vote for a man named Thaddeus?; has lower name recognition than insurance salesman Filbert Berkowitz from Mullen, Nebraska; voted for “card check” legislation that would eliminate secret ballots in union elections; Michigan foisted Michael Moore and Madonna on us
Compared to Obama: 7,980,002,8790,229,763,210 times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Vote for Thad, he’ll repeal Obama’s bad!”

Finally, NBC and the Times have their GOP candidate: Jon Huntsman enter prez race

The Republican field hoping to challenge President Obama in 2012 is getting more crowded than a Calcutta flash mob. And with Texas Governor Rick Perry and Sarah Palin still possibly joining the scrum, the next GOP presidential debate could resemble the start of the New York City Marathon, although most of the candidates hopefully won’t wear singlets.

But no matter how many, the Siesta Keyster staff is committed to bringing you fact-based analysis of every candidate seeking the Highest Office in the Land… a somewhat unfortunate title, given President Obama’s self-chronicled fondness for recreational drugs while in college.

So we’re pleased to bring you the fifth of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012. To date, we’ve detailed Michele Bachmann, Herman ‘The Pizzanator’ Cain, Newtonian Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty, Paul Ron, Glove Romney and Rick Santorum. And, of course, the Keyster has dedicated billions of pixels delivering calm, objective analysis of President Obama and his policies.

So let’s meet the latest official Republican presidential candidate.

Great hair, great family, great results while governor: but can Jon Huntsman overcome the specter of you-know-who lurking in the background?

JON HUNTSMAN
Full name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Jon Meade Huntsman, Jr.
Age: 51
Background: Two term-governor of Utah (2005-2009); Ambassador to China under President Obama from 2009 to April 2011; also served in the Reagan, Bush (41) and Bush (43) administrations; father is billionaire founder of Huntsman Corp., a global chemical company; speaks Mandarin Chinese and is proficient with chopsticks; he and wife Mary Kaye have seven children
Strengths: Dropped out of high school to play keyboards in rock band, Wizard; credited with enacting the largest tax cut in Utah history and running budget surpluses; big appeal to liberal Republicans because of “centrist” social positions; darling of the mainstream media because he announced he would be nice to President Obama; youngest daughter is named Asha
Weaknesses: Opposed by animal-rights voters because of last name; viewed by most conservatives as the next John McCain or Bob Dole, minus the war heroism; believer in the global-warming scam; any Republican who gets favorable coverage from the New York Times must be viewed with deep suspicion; first name is mysteriously missing an “h”
Compared to Obama: 6.3278950012 billion times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “At least with me there’s a chance I’ll make the right decision!”

Michele Bachmann enters GOP race: the Siesta Keyster is there with full coverage

The race for the Republican nomination to challenge incumbent President Obama is heating up.  Since we published the third of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012, another contender has emerged and Texas Governor Rick Perry may be next to formally declare.

Meanwhile, BHO’s approval numbers keep sliding.  In the latest Siesta Keyster-Wall Street Journal-Marvel Comics poll, the percent of likely voters who think the “economy is on the right track” came in at .07%  (those responding in the affirmative were George Soros, Wassy Debraman Shultz and Sponge Bob). And a startling 121% of respondents said that Barack is doing either a “horrendous” or “putrid” job as president.

Can the news media prop up President Obama even as his poll number plummet?

In response, NBC Nightly News led off its broadcast with this story:
“A new poll out today shows that support for President Obama — the greatest president this nation has ever known — has declined just the teeniest wee bit, completely to be expected at this point of his glorious reign. But it’s only because slimebag Republicans keep lying about how everything like the economy is his fault. Every single expert in the world agrees that President Bush actually is responsible and President Obama is only trying to fix the mess Bush left him. Now that we’ve cleared that up, here’s a special report from Todd Chuck: Todd, I understand you’ve discovered that Sarah Palin has been found in possession of an SUV and, most shockingly, it’s American made…”

So let’s meet the first woman to join increasingly crowded GOP field that includes Herman Cain, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingivitus.

Michele Bachmann: the fiesty Minnesotan hopes to reverse the destructive policies of the Obama administration

MICHELE BACHMANN
Age:55
Background: Three-term U.S. Representative from Minnesota; first woman to represent Minnesota in Congress; worked on a kibbutz in Israel after high school; law degrees from Oral Roberts and William & Mary Universities; she and husband Marcus have five children and have been foster parents to 23 other children; part owner of a dairy farm in Waumandee, Wisconsin
Strengths: On the correct side of virtually every issue including the national debt, energy, abortion, taxes, government regulations, deficit spending and ice fishing; fearless; loves to mix it up with the libs; the mention of her name sends the mainstream media into fits of rage and fury; Minnesota State Fair offers all-you-can-drink milk for .$25
Weaknesses: First name is mysteriously missing an “l”; White House doesn’t have enough bedrooms for all of her foster children; while a Minnesota state senator, failed to correct egregious error on state’s license plate (there are actually 11,842 lakes in Minnesota, not “10,000”)
Compared to Obama: 10^10^100 times better (exactly one googolplex)
Suggested campaign slogan: “Driving Chris, Katie, Keith, Brian, George and the rest of the media bonkers since 2006!”

‘You Decide 2012’: The Keyster analyzes Ron Paul and Rick Santorum

In our third installment of the Siesta Keyster’s Special Reports: You Decide 2012, we meet the next two Republicans vying to take on President Obama in 2012. Before we dig into the candidates, we should clarify the research methodology used during our review of the entire GOP field.

First, we are only analyzing candidates who have formally launched their presidential campaigns.

The FEC partners with 'community organizations' such as ACORN to 'get out the vote'

Becoming an official presidential candidate is a complicated legal process that begins with notifying the Federal Election Commission (FEC) once you receive $5,000 in campaign contributions or spend that amount on a federal campaign.

The candidate then has 15 days to file FEC Form 2 (Statement of Inflated Ego). Next, they have 10 days to submit FEC Form 11 (Statement of Candidate Cliches) declaring that they won’t use any words that actually have any meaning or substance.

The final step is to appear on-air with Katie Couric, where there are two processes depending on party affiliation. Democrat candidates are asked questions from FEC Form 103(a) (Softballs for Caring Liberals) while Republicans must answer from FEC Form 103(b) (Exposing Knuckledraggers).

So far, much-discussed potential candidates such as Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann have not registered with the FEC. The Keyster will bring you full reports should they or any other Republicans formally “toss their hat into the ring” (Editor’s note: This phrase originated in 149 AD when Flavius Flatuleous, who aspired to be a Roman senator, hurled the slave Tiberius Hattus from the top of the Coliseum to signify his candidacy).

With that as background, let’s meet our next two contenders:

Will the third time be the charm for libertarian-leaning Ron Paul?

RON PAUL
Full Name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Ronald Ernest Paul
Age: 75
Background: Congressman, 14th District of Texas; received MD degree from Duke; clinical pediatrician and obstetrician in 1960s and 1970s; U.S. Air Force flight surgeon during Vietnam War; first elected to Congress in 1976; presidential candidate in 1988 and 2008
Strengths: Known as “intellectual godfather” of the Tea Party; was conservative before it was cool; strict Constitutionalist; inspires zealous support; middle son elected to U.S. Senate in 2010; hails from the state that invented the chimichanga
Weaknesses: Unknown whether people will vote for a man with two first names; tragically missed a typo on middle son’s birth certificate that resulted in him being named “Rand” instead of “Randy”
Compared to Obama: 142,179,2241³ times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “If it ain’t in the Constitution, I ain’t doin’ it!”

Can Rick Santorum broaden his appeal beyond the 'values voters'?

RICK SANTORUM
Age: 53
Background: Served two terms as a U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania and two terms as a U.S. Representative; he and wife Karen have seven children; currently practices law and does radio and television commentary
Strengths: Strong appeal to values voters; likely the most pro-life presidential candidate ever; doesn’t back down or compromise on moral issues; lives in Pennsylvania, home of the cheesesteak; looks like a computer nerd
Weaknesses: Lost his last election by 18 points to squishy liberal Bob Casey; last name sounds like a hospital for TB patients
Compared to Obama: Functionally the anti-Obama on every issue, especially societal; our mainframe computer lacks sufficient processing power to determine how much better Santorum is
Suggested campaign slogan: “I may be obscure, but I’m right!”

Breakin’ down the GOP: Mitt and Newt under the microscope

Today, the staff at the Siesta Keyster brings you part two of our Special Reports: You Decide 2012. Following last week’s fact-based analyses of Republican candidates Herman Cain and Tim Pawlenty, we realized that many conservatives are experiencing ennui about those seeking to depose President Obama.

Conservatives are growing anxious over who will lead the Republicans to victory in 2012

With no clear frontrunner, fear is ripe that Republicans will nominate another powder puff like John McCain for Obama and his “news” media partners to shred into candidate coleslaw. People anxiously await somebody to emerge from the pack, to combine the policy bona fides with the combativeness necessary to overcome BHO.

While we pride ourselves on objectivity at the Keyster, we offer this opinion before we break down our next two candidates: whoever prevails during the GOP food-fight primaries, will be the 45th president providing:
1. They know what year it is, unlike the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
2. They know that there are 50 states, unlike the 44th president
3. They are not afraid to forcefully make the case that Obama is TWPE*

So let’s meet the next two Republicans aspiring to be the leader of the free world:

Can Mitt overcome the dismal reality of Romneycare?

MITT ROMNEY
Full Name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Willard Mitt Romney
Age: 64
Background: Governor of Massachusetts 2003-2007; former CEO of investment firm Bain & Co.; organized the highly successful 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City; obviously unqualified to be president because he didn’t launch his political career in the living room of a terrorist
Strengths: Proven job creator and business builder; has great hair; knows the difference between a toe loop and an axel; can self-finance his campaign; named his oldest son Tagg
Weaknesses: Instituted socialized medicine in Massachusetts, which now has the highest medical costs in the nation; uncertain that people will vote for a man named after a baseball glove
Compared to Barack Obama: 77 trillion times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Sure, I’m a little strange, but at least I’m not in this for the money!”

Newt and Calista Gingrich: Is America ready for a thrice-divorced prez?

NEWT GINGRICH
Full name, which explains why he doesn’t use it: Newton Leroy Gingrich
Age: 67
Background: Speaker of the House 1994-1998; lifelong politician, first elected to Congress in 1978; author, speaker and television commentator; obviously unqualified to be president because he attended only Southern universities
Strengths: A ferocious debater who doesn’t require a teleprompter to be eloquent; proven fiscal hawk; led conservative takeover of Congress in 1994; name can be rearranged to spell “went”
Weaknesses: Unclear whether people want a president named after a reptile; divorced more often than Liz Taylor; wrong on a host of important issues from health care to ethanol subsidies to climate change; looks like Charlie Brown with a silver wig
Compared to Obama: 1,563,906.032 times better
Suggested campaign slogan: “Not the best, just better than Barack!”

*The worst president ever